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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should he have contacted me?

20 replies

lavenderbongo · 11/10/2019 07:55

Hi. I am not sure if IABU or not. I had an MRI scan today as the found something on a CT scan of my brain and they wanted to check it out.
I have been a bit scared about this. Partly due to what they might find and partly due to the procedure itself.
Anyway today I went on my own to have the MRI. Well it wasn’t pleasant. I don’t like confined space and it makes a hell of a noise and I didn’t realise how long I would have to be in there as well. They also had to put a line in me to inject dye at one point.
It shook me up a bit - particularly the reality of what they might find.
Anyway drove home and waited for DH to text and ask how it went. Only he never did. In the end I waited until 4.30 and texted him myself.
I am rather upset that he didn’t bother to ask if I was okay? Assume he just forgot. Which makes me think he obviously doesn’t care. Which is probably untrue. I do feel rather ready and emotional at the mo. But am IBU to be rather cross and upset at home for not texting? I need some perspective.

OP posts:

FriedasCarLoad · 11/10/2019 07:56

Could he be scared and dealing with it badly (ostrichlike?)

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 11/10/2019 07:59

I understand why you’re annoyed and to be honest, I would be too. I’d be hurt and pissed off.

When will you find out the results? Hope you’re ok. You were incredibly brave yo hi through all that on your own and deserve 💐 and all the pampering this weekend.

Lowlandlucky · 11/10/2019 07:59

I too would be bloody upset, did he even offer to go with you ? Did you research MRI before you went ?

RopeBrick · 11/10/2019 08:01

I would be hurt by this. You need to feel cared for at this time.

adaline · 11/10/2019 08:02

Maybe he was waiting for you to text and let him know how it had gone?

Does he have a job where he can have his phone on him and text whenever he wants?

I hope you're okay

Original poster

lavenderbongo · 11/10/2019 08:09

He has his phone with him all the time. He didn’t offer to go with me.
Thanks for your views. He says he was waiting for my text. I said he could have just texted to find out how I was.
I sound like a child 😟 but I just feel it shows I clearly was not on his mind.

OP posts:

Arrowfanatic · 11/10/2019 08:13

In that instance my DH would wait for me to text him & say how it was as he wouldnt know how long it might take or if i had to go & do something afterwards.

NWQM · 11/10/2019 08:24

My DP and I would text straight after to say how we'd got on. Depends how you normally do it.

Did you not feel you could ask him to go with you? Why do you wait for him to offer rather than express your needs? You are going through something horrible I think you should tell him clearly and fingers crossed he will wake up. Perhaps text him 'been thinking....' if you worry about finding the right moment / words.

He may firmly have his head in the sand about this and has decided that all will well be okay.

So hope you get good news soon

Actionhasmagic · 11/10/2019 08:27

Good luck hope you are okay. He’s being rubbish. I had an mri a month ago and my husband came along even though he’s busy at work. He brought his laptop and waited outside

Idontwanttotalk · 11/10/2019 08:29

He could be just as worried, if not more worried than you. I think it is easier to be the patient in these circumstances as you just have to accept that you need these tests whereas a loved one can only look on and hope there is nothing untoward wrong and try and keep their imagination in check.

Although he could have accompanied you to the hospital he would have just had to sit in a corridor or waiting room. He wouldn't have been allowed in the room where you had your MRI. It is a shame he didn't take you and wait for you but perhaps he is just the practical type? He knows you wouldn't get results immediately and perhaps will be with you for those?

Did you ask him to go with you? Sadly, we sometimes have to explicitly spell out our expectations.

OkayGo · 11/10/2019 08:31

I would be upset too

underground76 · 11/10/2019 08:42

Were you being given results at the MRI? If so, then yes, I'd have expected him to text.

If not ... I don't think I'd necessarily be upset by that, to be honest. He probably hasn't got a clue what an MRI is actually like and presumably he would have asked you about it when he got home.

Original poster

lavenderbongo · 11/10/2019 08:43

Thanks All. I think I’m going to have to spell out clearly how I feel. I wish he had come to the MRI. He didn’t offer. I think he does care - he’s just really bad at showing it. We live in NZ and have no other family here. It really is just him and the kids. And I’m not leaning on them!

OP posts:

TreacherousPissFlap · 11/10/2019 08:46

I don't think YABU to be upset, but as PP's have previously mentioned do you think he could be burying his head in the sand, or not wanting to interrupt you?

FWIW, DH would always say "ring me when you're out". This way he wouldn't disturb me in the middle of whatever I was doing / having done, and he is then absolved of worrying about it until I make the move to update him.

KUGA · 11/10/2019 08:50

Tbh I think hes an arse, I wouldnt have txt him but when he walked through the door I would have said thanks for caring .
Anyway I just hope you are ok and the results come back fine.

Beveren · 11/10/2019 08:55

Did he say anything about the scan last night or before he left this morning? I suspect my DH would say something like "Let me know how it goes" and then wait for me to phone, rather than pestering me with questions.

NearlyGranny · 11/10/2019 09:03

I had an investigation this week. They did a procedure on the spot and took a biopsy. DH drove me there and back, sat in the waiting room looking stricken and has not let me lift a finger since.

He's not perfect and he is retired now but I know he would have taken time off and he would have messaged before and after if he absolutely couldn't go with me.

That said, everyone has different ways of showing love and support. What are his usually?

Mummaofmytribe · 11/10/2019 09:09

I would be very hurt. Sorry you're having a worrying time feeling alone with it.
I'm having severe health problems atm. My OH took the day off and came to the hospital for my last procedure. He is also taking time off for my surgery in a couple of weeks.
I didn't have to ask. He just did it.
I would do the same for him. We're a team.
And we also live overseas with no other family other than our kids and GC. We lean on each other.

NoSauce · 11/10/2019 09:11

Why didn’t you ask him to come when he didn’t offer? He should have at least texted to see how you were OP. I hope you’re ok

cherrytree63 · 11/10/2019 09:29

I don't think you are BU, my OH is like this and it really hurts me at times.
I had a breast lump, he came to the hospital with me (I asked, he didn't offer). Sat in the waiting room and moaned about the appts running late.
Didn't come into the consultation with me. I came out visibly distressed because they'd said to go straight down for a mammogram and he just went rigid and pursed lipped.
Didn't say a word to me about it for two days. When I asked him about it he shouted that he didn't know he was supposed to ask immediately.
When I had my mastectomy he just dropped me at the hospital doors!
Complained that I got discharged on day 5 instead of the expected 7 as that meant driving through traffic after work instead of the weekend. Collected me in his bouncy truck with hard seats instead of my car (it would have been a 5 minute diversion to collect the car). Complained that I needed to go back to the hospital 2 days later to have a check up (because he wanted to use my 4x4 to move someone's digger) so my son had to take me.
I recently had an MIR, I have postural hypotension and thought I'd be a bit too shakey and faint to drive afterwards, he said he'd take me but had a liquid lunch and fell asleep so I went on my own.
Sorry for going off on a rant on your post
hope you're ok.

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