To report him 20 years later **Warning: abuse**

[AutumnChange]

Namechanged for this post, and I've put a warning as I don't want to upset or trigger anyone.

Aged 13/14 I was groomed over a period of a couple of months, and raped on two occasions, by a man is his 50s. Not a relative.

It's now 20 years' later, and I've only recently come to terms with understanding the repercussions of his actions.

WIBU to report him to the police, after so long? Also, I can only remember his first name, and the make and colour of his car. I could describe every inch of his flat and every word he said to me during the abuse.

I do know the full name of a schoolfriend (also not seen them for 20 years) who absolutely would know his full name and possibly know more details - but he may well have abused her too so I'm reluctant to drag her into my report.

Is there any point? Shall I continue to move on?

I'm doing really well after finally sharing what happened and being diagnosed with PTSD. I'm now happily married, love my work, and I've managed to overcome many PTSD symptoms with counselling and CBT.

I've worked hard to be this strong; a part of me feels compelled to report him, but then I think why rock the boat, so to speak?

Thanks for reading.

Really tough one and impossible to answer

In fact I won’t even try

But why not get a police appt and ask for their advice as to whether it’s worth it ? Get the data Condensed into bullets . Or
Call a child abuse charity

I think you need expert advice here

Several years ago I reported someone to the police for historic sexual abuse.

The police were incredibly supportive and helpful, and took me very seriously. We eventually found out that the man had died a few years earlier, so nothing came of it. I wished I'd reported him sooner, then. But I don't regret reporting him, not at all. It was very helpful to me, despite the outcome.

Thanks very much for the replies. ColdAndSad, I think I'd find it a relief if I was told he was dead. Would it matter that I don't remember his full name?

The other school friend may have already reported him and your account might be the missing piece in a puzzle.

You wouldn’t be unreasonable at all, it’s entirely your decision. Obviously just be aware that unfortunately nothing may come of it, they may not find the person etc.
It might be an idea to get in touch with the old friend first and see what they have to say? X

Sounds as if you have done an amazing job of healing - bravo to you!

It's really hard for anyone to say whether it would matter that you didn't know his full name but the police can advise. Personally I'd ask them and would not go investigating at all myself.

Would it help if you thought... what would I feel if...and see which answer sits most comfortable at the moment..

What would I feel if he is never brought to justice?
What would I feel if I had to confront him?
What would I feel if he has been caught and was just about to be released but I'd be keeping him in jail?

Above all keep yourself safe and on the road to recovery. Do what would help that.

I wouldn't feel comfortable contacting my schoolfriend; I think letting the police investigate (if need be) would make me feel more comfortable.

What would I feel if he is never brought to justice? To be honest, I wouldn't expect anything to happen justice-wise, as it's so long ago and I have zero evidence. My expectations are low.

What would I feel if I had to confront him? Sick to my stomach, but I've pulled through the past 20 years, I can get through anything.

What would I feel if he has been caught and was just about to be released but I'd be keeping him in jail? Delighted. Absolutely delighted.

Thank you. I know no one else can really answer the dilemma for me, but I think I'm leaning towards making an appointment (if I can) with the police to talk it through, like suggested.

I've NC'd for this but...

I'd say go for it. I reported historical sexual abuse that happened 10 years before I reported it.

It helped getting it out there. The case brought to light that I wasn't the only victim which was the hardest part, and I've had guilt for not reporting it sooner. So be aware of this.

My case was No Further Action'd and that was hard too. But he was given a record of being accused of it and if given a Criminal Records check it would be flagged up. So that is some comfort.

However the best things to come out of it were that 1 - I was given counselling by Victim Support that changed my life. It gave me so much back that I'd lost - my confidence, my self esteem, trust. It was worth it. And 2 - I applied for Criminal Injuries Compensation and won £9000 for what happened to me. It has affected my so much mentally that I've been unable to work and the payment came just as I found out I was pregnant so was amazing timing.

Don't get me wrong, it was emotionally draining and took a huge amount out of me. I would get home from the various interviews and feel dead and cold, like I just couldn't do it feel anything. So I got friends and family round and tried my best to do a lot of self care. But it WAS worth it. I got more out of it then it took from me by far and I'm much better off mentally and financially than I was before I reported it.

I wish you the best of luck with this and hope that it helps you.

But why not get a police appt and ask for their advice as to whether it’s worth it

Don't do this! In my experience they're really pushy . Which in a way is fair enough as I assume they want these people locked up if at all possible. Not helpful though if you just want to know your options.

Find out if you have a local SARC (sexual assault referral centre). They are great (ime) at letting you know your options in a supportive, unpressured way.

@LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses is absolutely right re SARC. Contacting them is a very good suggestion.

I'm so glad I posted; thank you very much for the advice. And NCdforthis2, that's so kind that you took the time to NC to post your experience. I'm so glad you received the support you needed, that offers me a great deal of hope.

I've now sent an email to my local SARC (never knew they existed) to ask for their help/advice, and I'll go from there.

Thank you again.

@AutumnChange It's more than okay, I'd like to be of help if I can. The support made it worth reporting so I hope you get similar support. I ended up seeing the same counsellor for over a year which also was a relief as I didn't have to keep repeating what happened to me from the start.

I'm so glad you feel like you want to do this and I really hope it can bring you some peace. I didn't feel like I could ever really learn that it's a part of me, but I learnt that it is and I can still be me even with what happened. I truly hope you're either there already or will be after getting it out there on the record, so to speak.

@NCdforthis2 SARC have just emailed me back, offering a face-to-face appointment or further email advice, it feels terrifying but also a huge relief to be sharing it 'officially'. I feel as though I'm in safe hands with them, especially with your recommendations.

Perhaps it's a positive thing that I don't have any expectations with what I 'want' as such, more than I feel an overwhelming urge to report it, to have what happened to be recorded in an official way.

I do dread finding out there were further victims (I think I know the answer. With my now-an-adult hindsight, he was extremely calculated and a true predator as he recognised I was vulnerable and unprotected at the time) but I keep telling myself the responsibility of that, if it were the case, would solely be down to my abuser.

I did attempt suicide after the abuse and told the hospital psychiatrist (who I had to see before being discharged) about the abuse but the psychiatrist then fell asleep during the session and no further action was taken. I then didn't tell anyone until last year. I'm also considering complaining about this now. I feel like I've opened Pandora's Box!

I think I'm going to have to take this baby step by baby step. I don't want to tell anyone else just yet (my friends don't know about it, only my husband, and he's stressed out at the moment) so seeing your replies has made me feel heard and less alone. I really resonate with what you've said, NC, thank you again for taking the time to post.

When questions like this arise, I always ask, what will it change?

If you have come to terms with it and don't feel he is a danger to girls any more then it may be better left as raking that all up and going through a legal system (police are obliged to act on any evidence/statement you provide) would actually harm you, then leave it.

If you could find out somehow his name (maybe a bit of internet digging?) that may answer your question for you

I feel really proud of you OP. May sound weird but I do so thought I would say.

@NWQM that didn't make me well up. Nope. Not at all.

Good luck with the SARC and whatever you decide to do.

Good luck OP, you're incredibly brave. Braver than me; I spent years not confronting what happened to me, and now I'm on my own journey I wish I'd reported my abuser. Hope you manage to get somewhere with this and it helps your healing

Hope you are doing okay today.

Do report it. You may find it cathartic even if the police cant do anything. Good luck x

I'd just like to say OP, that i think you're amazing and so brave. Well done for getting this far.

Many victims can't face reporting the crime for many years, whilst they try to come to terms with what happened to them. Some of them eventually do report, even after 20 years or more, so you would not be an exception. But sadly many still do not.

A few years ago the police may have had less sympathy, but my understanding is that these days they are much more aware of the issues of the severity of such long-unreported crimes and have specialist officers for these types of crime.

I imagine there is almost never any evidence of the crime, it's almost always committed in private. I wouldn't be concerned about that, for the police it may be a vital addition to a picture that they have been building up from other victims, as it will identify more times and places that the perp has been active. So it may help to bring closure for a number of other victims if it tips the balance of evidence.

You will need to be quite mentally strong because you will have to relive the events in order to give evidence to the police and, if it were to go further, to court under cross-examination. I think it's possible to give evidence to the police but decline to go to court. But that's still useful for the police.

AutumnChange that took courage. Well done.