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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christening dilemma

23 replies

cravingmilkshake · 10/10/2019 20:33

Hi all,

We have a newborn and oh has a christening gown that has been passed down the family so he wants a christening for the baby to wear it. However, I say this is the wrong reason to have a christening as we didn't get married in a church because we are not religious. As a compromise I have booked a photographer to come over and take photos of the baby in the gown! Then his next argument was that we couldn't get into a good Church of England school of child wasn't Christened.

So my questions are, AIBU reasonable for not having a christening that my husband desperately wants(we are both very far from being Christians) and would not getting baby christened mean we can't get into a good c of e school ?

OP posts:

user1487194234 · 10/10/2019 20:35

I agree with you Why would you have a child baptised if you are not a Christian

53rdWay · 10/10/2019 20:38

Can you ask him a bit more about why he wants the baby to be christened? It sounds like the gown and then the school thing are just him making justifications for something he actually wants to do. Maybe if he talked to you about why you could hash out something that worked for both of you?

TheBrockmans · 10/10/2019 20:43

No YANBU to not want your child christened. He however is not BU to say that your child might not then get into a good CofE school, depending on the admission criteria as even if you live next door to some CofE schools but do not meet the admission criteria which may include baptising your child you might not get a place. You might not however want your DC to go to a faith school if you do not believe in it.

Leeds2 · 10/10/2019 20:45

I have had friends whose DC have had Naming Day celebrations, so like a Christening but without the church bit, just something to mark the arrival of your new baby with family and friends. You could have something similar, and put DS in the gown for photographs and then change him into something more sensible.

Given that you and DH aren't Christians, I don't see why he would want his child to go to a CofE school. In fact, I would think these schools would be avoided! As to whether or not DS would get in without being christened, it depends entirely on the school. If there is a particular school you are thinking of, have a look on their website to see if there are any clues.

Pandaintheporridge · 10/10/2019 20:50

Humanist celebrants can conduct naming ceremonies suitable for the gown wearing.
A lot of non-religious people become less so when it comes to weddings, schools and funerals.

june2007 · 10/10/2019 20:52

How about a thanksgiving/dediction not the same as a christening.

Jollitwiglet · 10/10/2019 20:53

Why would you want your child to get into a church of England school?

NearlyGranny · 10/10/2019 21:02

Infant baptism is a commitment to raise the child as a Christian and an occasion to welcome the baby into the church family.

If you don't attend or believe, it's pointless, isn't it? Some CofE priests offer naming ceremonies that would satisfy your DH's urge to pop baby on the family frock, but when we had photoshoots with our 3, the photographer never asked if they'd actually been baptised, so....

Secular naming ceremonies can be lovely, personalised events and a chance to get friends and family together.

There are ways of going things without asking yourselves and others to say solemnly things you don't believe or promise what you don't intend to do.

And your child will be able to go to a CofE school regardless.

You do you.

moanaschicken · 10/10/2019 21:38

We had a naming ceremony for both children. One at a venue, one in our garden with a garden party. Informal and lovely. We picked 'special people' rather than god parents and everyone left a message of love to the child on a naming tree we tee planted for them. They also each have a sealed money box. Everyone was asked to bring a penny, and pop it into the money box with a special thought for their future. There is probably only about 50p in each money box, but it's full of love and happiness for their futures. That all meant more to us than a christening.

Redwinestillfine · 10/10/2019 21:41

Isn't this the sort of thing you should have talked through before you got married?

stucknoue · 10/10/2019 21:47

Plenty of baptisms happen where neither parent attends church but not all vicars will do them in these circumstances. It's a personal preference thing. My sil never attends church but had her kids baptised because she thought it was right

phoenixrosehere · 10/10/2019 22:00

Yanbu.

We’re not religious in the slightest and our oldest goes to a C of E (it’s right down the road from us). However, if there was a non-faith school nearby we’d go there in a heartbeat depending on how good it was.

I find it weird that people would christen their child to get them in a specific school despite not believing in any of it. My mil was urging my husband to christen our children as Roman Catholic and we both agreed before we became engaged that we wouldn’t be doing such a thing. I told him that even though I don’t agree with religion for myself it feels dishonest and highly hypocritical to baptise/christen a child into something I don’t agree with nor plan to get involved in and my husband felt the same way. Plus, it would be taking a spot from someone’s family who actually believes.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 10/10/2019 22:05

Our local CofE school is good...but you have to have gone for 3 years and have 60 signed attendances and 40 of those have to be in the last 2 years. You pretty much have to go to church every other weekend for 2 years, per child. Yes you have to be baptised but you also have to be a committed Christian (or pretend to be) to get in. You could look at the admission criteria of the nearest schools.

Why does he think it's ok to get her signed up to a religion he doesnt believe in? Does he actually believe now he has thought about it more? Could you do some kind of naming ceremony to use the gown?

Grumpyunleashed · 10/10/2019 22:41

Are you really sure DH isn’t a believer?
Could it be he is non practising believer but has hidden that aspect of his personality? Possibly he perceives you to be hostile to his faith but he loves you and doesn’t want it to cause problems etc.

Maybe you need to have Another conversation.

Original poster

cravingmilkshake · 10/10/2019 23:09

Thanks all- just to be clear- DH is definitely not a believer and only wants to get baby christened so they have the opportunity to wear the gown and if the nearest "good" school comes up and happens to be C of E then the baby has been christened and gets a chance to go.

No, I don't believe we needed to "discuss" this before we got married as we had and we both had the same views on religion.

I think the bigger picture is he doesn't want to let the christening gown go to waste.

OP posts:

NearlyGranny · 10/10/2019 23:14

Photographer it is, then! You get a lovely photo to frame and I guarantee nobody who sees it will ever ask which church or demand to see the certificate!

HeddaGarbled · 10/10/2019 23:23

Well clearly he’s being daft, but if he really, really wants a Christening ceremony, why not just go along with it? Obviously, he will have to organise everything (why was it you organising the photo shoot when it was him who wanted to use the family Christening gown?)

Original poster

cravingmilkshake · 11/10/2019 05:32

@HeddaGarbled I think it's just guilt, I felt really bad saying no but in all honesty I think it is just an excuse for a party which I know we can do in other ways if that is really what he likes!

Thanks everyone

OP posts:

Monty27 · 11/10/2019 05:34

Well I wouldn't even do the photographer in that case. What a farce is that?

Iamclearlyamug · 11/10/2019 05:43

Don't worry about the school thing - my DD7 was never christened and she's in an excellent C of E school

Namechangeymcnamechange11 · 11/10/2019 05:48

A naming ceremony seems the way forward here. None of the hypocrisy of having a baptism when you don't believe, but an occasion for the gown to come out, and family and friends to celebrate the birth.

gokartdillydilly · 11/10/2019 11:18

All my kids went to CofE schools despite being raised as atheists. We have never been asked about baptisms/christenings.

The schools were those nearest to where we lived, so were the best option for us. We believe that all faiths should be respected, so they might as well get a bit of religious education at school to give them some perspective, because they wouldn't be getting it anywhere else!

PurpleDaisies · 11/10/2019 11:21

Christening is not a requirement for the vast majority of C of E schools-infant baptism is something a lot of Christians disagree with. Catholic schools take a different view.

I’d have a naming day instead.

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