AIBU to lie in a job reference?

[RubbishReferenceProvider]

Name change as outing

I received a letter today asking me to provide a reference for a friend. She didn’t ask me first, the form has just arrived in the post.

I love this friend dearly, but she does have many faults. In short, I know she’d be unreliable as she essentially has no work ethic at all and often cancels things. She hasn’t worked in many years, but when she did she’d call in sick about once a week.

The form asks me many things but in particular, one of the questions asks if I think she’s reliable and if I’d recommend her for this job.

My honest answer is no I don’t think she’s reliable. However, the form also says that the applicant (my friend) is able to request to view what I write. I don’t want to lie. But I also don’t want to ruin the friendship, and I don’t want her to not get the job opportunity in case she surprises me.

For what it’s worth, I’ve never known this friend in a professional capacity, she’s only ever been a friend.

What would you do?

Refuse to do it on the basis that you've not known her in a professional capacity

I think that’s very cheeky of her!

I’d say as her friend and not a colleague or employer you don’t feel you can fill it in and suggest she asks someone else

You can text her and tell her you're not willing to write the reference, and let her decide how to proceed.

However, it would depend if the friend was trying to better themselves and finding a job they loved was a part of that; I wouldn't deliberately scupper a friend's chances of being offered a job if I thought they were serious about it.

I would just put "I am unable to offer opinion on the above as I only know the applicant in a personal manner, rather than in a professional capacity".

I agree with @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

You shouldn't lie as it can come back to haunt you but as you don't know her in a professional capacity say so

Write a reference that says what you want to it to say e.g.

"To whom it may concern,

I have known Polly Smith for 10 years due to meeting her at Coles Company where I am a manager. Polly has worked in the crisp packing department for 10 years where her duties have involved packing crisps in boxes and quality control. She has been crisp packer of the month 10 times and is a dedicated member of staff. "

Then sign your name at the end, staple it to their form and return it.

I have to ask people for references who are asked questions which they can't answer because I don't work directly with them and that's what they do. On other occasions I've had people who are asked to write numerous references for me, so they just send out one standard reference to everyone regardless of what the person asks.

Definitely don’t lie.

She should have asked you before giving your name as a referee.

Some employers will not accept friends or family as referees. If she hasn’t worked for years, volunteering would be a way for her to acquire experience and also people who can give references about how she operates in a work-like environment.

As above. Just because they’ve sent a form it doesn’t mean you have to fill it all in.

Say what you want to say- eg, I’ve known x in a personal capacity for 10 years. She is a good friend and a law abiding member of the general public.

It’s up to the company if they consider that good enough or not.

I had exactly the same thing happen to me, but in my case a family member rather than a friend.
I put the thing in the bin. Nevervmentioned it to a living soul.

Family member has been in the job for 9 months now and doing fine.

For goodness sake, unless you have information to suggest she is a danger to the public you're being a complete dick not to put something along the lines of, " for the ten years I've known her X has been very reliable " . Your giving the reference as a friend, it's not like your a company they can sue.

I've recently been in a very similar situation I knew the person was extremely unreliable always late often off sick but felt bad so gave her a fairly brief reference but didn't highlight any issues. Two weeks later they didn't turn up for work on more than one occasion and have now been dismissed - Im now annoyed that I put my name to the reference

Why would you give your friend a good reference? Who cares if you think they'd phone in sick? References are nonsense anyway but you sound like a rubbish friend.

I meant why wouldn't you.

I'd tell them I only knew this person socially so was in no position to provide a work reference.

There are a couple of posters with really wonky moral compasses on here.

At my last two companies it wouldn’t matter what was asked for in the reference, all the company would get would be start and end dates, final job role/title and an advisory saying recruitment is a decision for potential employers. That’s it. It’s an identical reference whether you worked there for 20 years and were one of the best employees or were fired after a week for gross misconduct. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’m naively surprised by how many people so far would lie and give a glowing reference.

She has volunteered in the years she’s been off work. But she has an appalling attendance rate (at one place she forgot to turn up for an entire month...) so I’m guessing that’s why she doesn’t want to ask them for a reference. I’m presuming this has dropped through my door as she doesn’t have anyone else

This is why a good reference checker will phone you

I wouldn't give a reference in this case.

It's not going to harm you to do one though is it? Keep it brief and simple, its not worth ruining your friendship over.

I would also say I'm not in a position to judge her reliability as I don't know her in a professional capacity.

I definitely wouldn't lie.

I have been asked to provide a reference for a friend. I explained I only knew her in a personal capacity and spoke if her good points. I ignored any questions around weaknesses , and if someone had phoned me to check I round have simply said I couldn't comment on those areas as I didn't have experience of her in professional capacity.

I wanted my friend to be given a chance - but I wouldn't outright lie.