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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I’d prioritised meeting someone when younger?

30 replies

redskyatnight19 · 10/10/2019 18:07

I thought when I was younger that I didn’t need a partner and that I could be self sufficient and have a career.

I’m now 40. Lonely, unhappy and experiencing real grief at what my life is now.

OP posts:
PralineCookie · 10/10/2019 18:24

You can still find a partner. I've known several people who met their partner/husband after they were 40. Besides even if you'd met someone when younger there's no guarantee that you'd still be with him. Don't give up. There's still a future and likely a partner for you. You have a lot of time ahead of you.

Original poster
redskyatnight19 · 10/10/2019 18:25

I doubt it, but thanks.

OP posts:
Skyecat · 10/10/2019 18:25

Can you look for a partner now? What do you feel is stopping you?

PralineCookie · 10/10/2019 18:28

Why do you doubt it? I'm serious. A friend(43) just met someone two years ago and had her baby earlier this year. You can meet a partner if you want. It won't happen overnight but it really is possible

Original poster
redskyatnight19 · 10/10/2019 18:29

I just honestly don’t know what to say on online dating.

I’m plain in appearance and my life is dull. I have nothing to offer a relationship.

OP posts:
seaweedandmarchingbands · 10/10/2019 18:34

I’m plain. Not a lot I can do about that. Does your life have to be dull? Do you have a bucket list?

Original poster
redskyatnight19 · 10/10/2019 18:35

I feel like I’m not normal.

It’s so hard to put into words!

OP posts:
TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 10/10/2019 18:49

I think you need to speak to your gp. Your feelings about yourself aren't normal.

Secretbadlife · 10/10/2019 18:58

40 is young! Join a dance class or evening class walking group. Take up a hobby. Try anything and everything. Fill your time and before you know it you'll have something to chat about and feel more interesting. Or if you like animals get a cat or dog(then you'll be forced to go out for walks) or join a gym. There's plenty of people out there who are in unhappy relationships desperate to get out of them and live on their own but can't for various reasons. You reap what you sow get out there girl! (assuming u r a girl here sorry if your not) but same applies.

Sn0tnose · 10/10/2019 19:10

It sounds like you’re in a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy.

If you’re walking around thinking ‘I’m plain’, I’m dull’, I have nothing to offer’ then you’re going to be putting that out there in your body language and the way you look at and speak to people.

Original poster
redskyatnight19 · 10/10/2019 19:11

I think this is where it’s hard to explain, as I don’t, in fact I can be quite good company in mixed groups but online (and realistically that’s the only place I’d meet someone) it’s a different story.

I just hate the whole never being in, always having to be out and busy approach that seems to be my lot in life Sad

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 10/10/2019 19:30

I met my DH in my late 30's through OLD. It's quite possible. And there are some rather plain, introverted men who are good, decent blokes and fancy a relationship too.

SpoonBlender · 10/10/2019 20:16

"always being out and busy" "my life is dull"

Okay. You're always out and busy at dull things? You should definitely try and change those dull things out for exciting ones.

hlo91 · 10/10/2019 20:21

Your outlook needs to change first before you can make progress. Moping around and feeling sorry for yourself calling yourself plain and dull won't help you.
Be more positive and less harsh on yourself. I'm sure you're not those things

RunsForGummyBears · 10/10/2019 20:23

Be kinder to yourself. No one is too old to find a partner.

Hesafriendfromwork · 10/10/2019 20:27

I was married young. Total shit show. Didnt know myself well enough. Never mind what to look for in a life partner.

But I met dp in my late 30s, through my friend. I hate online dating too.

Beat relationship I have ever had. I am more sure of myself. Know what I want. What I not willing to accept.

Theres no reason you cant meet someone now. You dont have to do OLD.

Wacawaca19 · 10/10/2019 20:35

I’m over 40 and separated and I have no real career to return to and feel I have wasted my good years on a man who was not worth it. I Focused completely on finding this man at the expense of all else and I bitterly regret it now I am very frustrated as I am very able in many ways but I can never find success now easy with anything. It’s so hard to be alone- I’m
Alone again now but like me you might have divided o finding a partner and then it have not worked out?

runninguphills · 10/10/2019 20:41

Grab the opportunity to get out there! You are not dull, just put a smile on and be interested in the other person.

Absolutely get on Internet dating - I'm happily married for the last 20 years but would definately get out there online if I was single. Don't expect to meet a life partner - just an evening of meeting someone else and having a chat.

Please don't put yourself down - you're a catch!

user1493494961 · 10/10/2019 21:40

Have a look in the library to see what groups or societies might be available locally, do you have a local theatre you could join. I've recently joined a Yoga class, something like that might make you feel better about yourself, I certainly feel better since starting.

ALbigbump · 10/10/2019 21:53

You’re not old and definitely are not to old to meet someone, but I get why you feel like that. I wish I’d Spent more time living and travelling when I was younger than being on a mission to meet ‘the one’. As a result I wasted years on the wrong ones! I’ve lived with 4 men, and am not well travelled. I am 47, I had my beautiful son when I was 39, much later than I’d have chosen to but better late than never. I passed on opportunity’s while waiting, met my now husband aged 34, he had 3 kids and a psycho ex, when I met him and it’s been really hard, I’ve put up with a lot of shit that my younger self wouldn’t have through fear of being alone and hating dating. Love it or hate it, internet dating has its uses, and it seems to now be the norm, esp for folk past their 30s. Please just check it out if you want to meet someone x

welshladywhois40 · 10/10/2019 21:55

I felt I must be married by 30 and accepted a substandard relationship with an abusive alcoholic. At age 37 I met a wonderful man via old and we are planning our life together.

My mindset was very much I wanted to be out there and meet someone.

nocoolnamesleft · 10/10/2019 21:56

One of my colleagues met the love of her life in her early 40s. If that's what you want, don't give up on it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/10/2019 22:07

Who says you'd have met the right person when you were younger? Loads of people meet people when they're older. My Dad didn't meet the right woman until he was 60 and now they're both the happiest they've ever been.

Lifeisabeach09 · 10/10/2019 22:43

YABU.
You know having a partner isn't the be all and end all.
(Sorry, I know everyone has different needs and wants.)
Sounds like you to find YOU.
As for your looks, if you think you're plain...do something about it. Make up, exercise, new clothes, cosmetic surgery. Do what you need to make YOU feel more attractive.
Flowers, it's shit when you're unhappy.

Ibizafun · 10/10/2019 22:43

You’ve been given such good advice here and I can only second it. I wasted my youth in a different way- married young, wasted 20 years with an abusive arsehole.

I didn’t really have much to offer apart from being (I hope) a nice person- certainly not an exciting life! But I met dh online (never would have met him otherwise) and I am the happiest I have ever been.