Toxic Inlaws

[SagAStar]

Hello

I posted a few days ago with regards to Inlaws and my concerns surrounding them being around my children - see post "Concerns surrounding In-laws watching my kids".

My wife has arranged an appointment with her GP for referral to counselling or psychological input which I think was the general views on how she should proceed.

However, following on from everyones helpful advice I absolutely agree and have always felt that my Inlaws are damaging our marriage and pose a risk emotionally on various aspects to my kids and my wife (see other thread for details).

However, my wife still wants to take the kids over to see them despite the fact there is so much hostility between me and them.

I suggested to my wife today that the 4 of us go to a mediation first so that I can try to understand their behaviour but my wife says they won't go (because they are so ashamed of what they did).

I cant for the life of me understand what is unreasonable about my suggestion? My wife says that it's only effecting our marriage because I'm letting them get to me but they have a long history of manipulation, guilt tripping, deception, controlling and bullying.

They have not shown any remorse for their actions and have been emotionally tapping my wife, as has her Sister, around 6 times this year, continuously blaming us for the collapse of their family and reminding her on what shes missing out on. The two abusers (BIL and SIL) get unlimited support from my Toxic InLaws whereas my wife gets emotional manipulation and I get verbal abuse.

I'm genuinely at a loss as where I go?Is my mediation suggestion unreasonable before allowing my kids any access to these two so called Grandparents? What else can I do here?

My wife keeps saying I'm being over the top and overprotective? Am I losing it?

Many thanks again for all who replied to my last post.

gosh. Have you said to your wife, in so many words "why are you so keen to hand over your kids to abusers and their enablers?" or are you tiptoeing around it?

Generally speaking it is advised not to enter mediation/counselling with an “abuser” (and this is what your ILs sound like) as they will just use it to manipulate/abuse you further.

Your wife needs counselling to help her see that their behaviour is not normal.

Hi Bref,

Yeh, she is well aware of my feelings on this. I'm starting to think shes just so desperate to have her Mum and Dad in her life in any shape or form no matter how badly they treat/treated our wee family. She keeps saying, is there never any point of forgetting what happened and trying to move forward but how can you possibly move forward with people who have no regret or remorse for their actions. Feel so run down and drained with all of this.

OP is there any chance she's scared of the repercussions of stopping her parents having contact with the kids or rocking the boat given that she has a relationship of sorts with them? I'm only asking because challenging the abuser in my life with regards to my child fills me with utter fear and dread. It's not the same dynamic but I do understand why she might feel scared to upset the status quo. I know you're already supporting her but my advice would be to build her up as much as you can in terms of confidence and self belief and make sure she gets that counselling

Hi KitK, I'm sorry to hear you also went through abuse.
I think it's probably more in line with the control they have had over her through the years make her think she needs them in her life and lifes not worth living without them. I suggested she has a relationship with them but leaves our kids out of it but she doesn't want that and doesn't want to suggest mediation as she knows they wont go. Shes taken a lot of emotionally abusive behaviour from her parents and sister prior to the incidents involving our nephew so alarm bells were already ring prior to the abuse. I just wish we could put our energy into our own family rather than wasting time discussing/arguing over the abusers and enablers. I really struggle to hear her say things like "I dont see anything wrong with my Sister seeing my children supervised". I'm if the opinion that theres only a few things that's unforgivable in life and child abuse (physical or sexual) is one of them and those that cover up and minimise are equally as bad. Giving your Grandson back to the abusers on a friday when social work finish and taking him back at 8am on a monday before they start is just throwing an innocent baby that cant talk or defend themselves to the lions. Its beyond comprehension.

You're 100% right to keep your DC away from these vile people. Continue setting your very reasonable ground rules. She can't see the bigger picture but you can. Ask her to point to which of your children she thinks could take having their ribs broken best. Ask her which of them she thinks will survive a fractured skull best. Keep asking her how much violent abuse, pain & suffering she's decided they should be conditioned to expecting. You, like any sane person have zero tolerance & she needs to learn that that's the norm, not the broken disfunctional crap treatment her parents/family indulge in.
Desperate situations call for desperate measures.

If you can't get your wife to see that she's endangering your children by having them around her batshit parents then I'd see an attorney and take advice on whether you can get a safeguarding injunction from the authorities to prohibit a relationship with them. Is this extreme? Hell yes it is but your job is to protect your innocent children. You attempting to pry your wife out of the familial relationship with her relatives is like trying to get someone away from a cult-she has been conditioned and brainwashed psychologically her entire life and you are the only parent thinking clearly right now! She can learn to cut contact and live a happy life but only if she wants to with the help of psychotherapy

I think a cult seems quite an accurate comparison. Her family has always been her Mum, Sister, Dad and herself and I put that in the order of hierarchical standing. She had no/very little relations with her extended family for reasons I still dont fully understand despite us being together for nearly 20 years. Her family have never struck me as normal, parents and sister has no friends etc and are very hard people to like. My wife was not like them, had plenty friends and our relationship has always been fine with usual ups and downs except a short period when we bought our first house when we went through a bad patch (My fault as I was young, immature and fond of nights out drinking with my friends at weekends). It just feels like Orwells 1984 where her family are the thought police and repeat that the police, social work and Doctors are all bad and I am an awful, controlling person. I understand her wishing things were different with her family, but wanting it is entirely different when it comes to abuse

gosh it all sounds so awful. I hope you can resolve it.