To think school can't make my teen be friends with someone that is mean to her so not to upset the other child!

[Wornoutalready]

Dd is in sixth form. There have been incidents with another new student who started with her, it started off as silliness, grabbing dds stuff for a laugh, shouting at her for silly things , called her stupid.

Proceeded to her kicking off if dd was not with her all the time, kicking off if dd spoke to other people or had lunch with anyone else, sending a nasty message to the pupil dd had spent lunch with, screaming at them in the canteen.

Kids started coming to dd to ask if she was really friends with X as X was saying she was a bitch anx calling her names and things like that. Same child had been nasty to other people in class openly so dd had no reason not to believe it.
I told her to stay away from her. Dd did start to stay out of her way and then everyone elses too because this girl followed her everywhere meaning she was further isolated.
She really struggles with friendships anyway tbh.

Eventually I gave up and emailed the form tutor this morning , dd didn't want me to name names but just gave a brief list of what had happened and asked her to keep an eye out.

Inbetween this the other pupil on being told by someone else dd doesn't want to be her friend has cried, said they are bullies and gone to report them to staff, that the student dd was with has stole her friend and that dd had stared at her

Dd who gets very upset at any sign of being in trouble has been hauled out of class today in front of the head in regards to this and had to sit in a room with the other pupil, the head has put two and two together in regards to my email. Dd has been told that it was just a misunderstanding (how being screamed and shouted at in the canteen because you want to talk to someone else and the other person getting a nasty message because of it and having to tell their Mum and block her is a misunderstanding I don't know.) Also told if she felt isolated it was basically because she struggles socially.

Dd has been encouraged about being friends with her and just getting on, she was open that she didn't want to be friends with someone who treated her like that. She's been physically and emotionally bullied in the past and is not interested.
Anyway they have been asked how they want to move forward.
Dd said to be civil and polite and just get on with it. The girl said for dd not to be friends with another girl...

Aibu to think this is ridiculous for sixth form and tell dd to stay as far away as possible and to tell school to sod off about making them be friends?

Aibu to have hoped all this shit was left behind before year 12!
I cannot imagine if this was the workplace

It’s entirely wrong of the school and you need to put your foot down.

I would be role-playing this with my daughter first (before I stepped in). In any further conversations with members of staff about this, she needs to be clear that she will be civil, will start no trouble, but will choose her own friends and expects the support of the school in dealing with any incidents where someone else is the aggressor.

Failing that, I would have a minuted meeting with the Head, and I would make those points myself.

seaweedandmarchingbands that is exactly what dd has said. She said I will be civil and polite but I don't want to be her friend.

X has said that things were alright on day one and then Y stole dd away from her (did not realise there was a rule about having to be friends with someone you met on day one) and the only civil way forward is for dd to not be friends with Y.

School are now talking to Y next week when she is back in about the whole situation too.

Oh dear lord, this is sixth form?! School need to have a word with themselves, pandering to new girl. (I'm a secondary teacher). I guess as your DD is new too they don't necessarily know who's wrong, but you can't force friendships and they should know this.

This is sixth form? Your dd is 16/17? Blimey they sound like 8 year olds. Do parents really write letters into school about friendship issues at this age? Not really any help, but I have children in yrs 9 & 10 and they and their peers grew out of this kind of behaviour back in primary school.

Your young adult DD does not need to be "friends" with anyone. She does need to be polite, considerate and respectful, and not exclude anyone. I'd also recommend she doesn't go round telling anyone that she "doesn't want to be friends with x", even if she doesn't. If x behaves towards your DD in an unacceptable way, then she should report it to a member of staff and let them deal with it. That's really all there is to it.

the only civil way forward is for dd to not be friends with Y.

Or what? She isn’t going to be civil? That sounds like being a big bully to me. Tell you DD not to worry about it and go to see school if it continues. These years are too important for this crap.

This girl appears to be obsessed with your DD and wants to monopolise her. It’s unhealthy and I wouldn’t permit it. At this point I wouldn’t allow my DD to be her friend even if she wanted to. Tell your DD to stay away from her. Arrange a meeting with the staff and tell them your DD is forbidden to be friends with this girl, you want them kept apart, and you expect that your DD’s wishes about who to be friends with will be respected. I’d also be seeking an apology for how they’ve handled the matter because trying to force her to be someone’s friend is not acceptable!

I think that you need to ask the school whether there are other issues that you are not being told about. This girl either has some kind of issues with social norms and understanding, or is extraordinarily immature, to the point of it being a deficit which needs dealing with anyway.

If this is the case, it might explain why they are reacting this way. But its still ridiculous, and they can't make your DD into her carer, any more than they can make her into her friend.

Frankly, the term has only just started and if both school and this other girl are hellish already, it might be better to draw a line under it and move, while its easy to do.

Sixth form? That's insane! Your daughter doesn't have to even be there let alone do things like this she doesn't want to. There's following the rules and confirming and there's having your own identity. By aged 16-18, managing aspects of your life independently including friendships should be celebrated

The other thing said was that the taking of belongings by X was a misunderstanding because X might think that is normal.
My answer would be that if her colleague took her belongings for a laugh it would not be okay if they thought it was normal.
Dd was bullied in primary and had her things taken and hid while she was in extra support sessions hence dd is stressed about her things being taken.

I've spoken to the form teacher so I know what has happened.

mrsm43s dd is under learning support so we are encouraged to contact with anything like this to prevent it escalating further.

'. I'd also recommend she doesn't go round telling anyone that she "doesn't want to be friends with x'

She didn't,

She was asked if she was friends with X as X had been calling her names and dd just said no'
Some other kids had been discussing X being nasty to someone, one said be careful her bestie is there (seeing dd) one of them turned and asked dd if she was still friends with her and she said no.
It was another pupil who told X that dd wasn't her friend.

Sixth Form...

Jason there was a reason I didn't want to add the full follow up to that post as it would be outing having discussed it with friends and there is another post under that name not related which I did not want linked!

I have posted twice before for advice at different stages of this. The first time I was given advice to help dd deal with it. The second time told to intervene which I did. I'm not asking for advice on the same stage over and over. Things had moved on.

There is a reason I name change and it isn't related to this post.

sense of

My daughter has a friend who was like this at infant school. Her mum worked really hard to widen her friendship group and stop her being so smothering - which is what this girl's mum should have done - this is crazy at 16/17.

This is batshit at 16/17! Your dd does not have to be friends with her, or even look at her! This other girl needs to be severely spoken to and told to keep away from your dd. What the hell is the school thinking? I’d be storming up there for a meeting and telling the teachers exactly what is going to happen.