So disappointed in my mum

[Opal13]

I’m writing this here because I feel really protective of her- even though I feel that, in lots of ways, my mum has somewhat failed me over these last few years. I don’t want to be condemned or told off. I know that lots of people have a far worse time than I do, but I’d really appreciate your advise/suggestions/what you did if you have been in same boat.

So, my mum and I used to be really close. We used to choose to hang out together and we had fun. When I was 23 I moved to another town and I guess we just stopped seeing each other that much. I can’t remember if she called much but she’s never really been the sort of mum who takes loads of interest in her children/remembers what they’re doing when, etc. which I totally get as it must be such a stressful whirlwind when you have 4 and you’re on your own.

Anyway, 5 years ago I got engaged/married and she took no interest in my wedding which I found really sad as I would have really liked her to have suggested looking at dresses together, etc. or to look at venues, etc. but she didn’t. At the wedding she drank loads and was fairly vacant. I also moved back to my home town and we live 5 mins away from one another.

3 years ago, I became pregnant with my son and again, she couldn’t have been less interested. She didn’t come and see me or help me or ask me any questions. When he was born, I really struggled and again, she just left me to it. All I wanted was for her to be involved, even a little bit, but she wasn’t interested.

A year ago or so, I spoke to her about all of this and she said she really didn’t think that she has done anything wrong and that I expect too much from her. I genuinely don’t think that my expectations of her are at all unreasonable and find it so hard to understand why, if you care about someone, you would express so little interest in them, especially when they have already confronted you about it. All I want is for her to call me occasionally and once a month, say ‘would you like to go for a coffee?’ or ask how my son, her only grandson is. She knows so little about him or me and it makes me so sad. I see grandparents with their grandchildren in town and at groups and I feel so jealous that I don’t have this relationship even though I have really tried.

I can’t talk to her about this again but I also don’t want to be so angry with her as this means that, when I do occasionally see her, I’m already furious, which doesn’t help the situation. I should also add that she can be very spiteful (I think she thinks she’s really funny) and makes comments about how fat, etc. I am (I’m 10st and 5’9!).

Are any of you in a similar situation? Do you crave the attention/love of a parent but get no where? How do you deal with it? My husband says ‘you know what she’s like. Don’t get upset’ but it’s so hard as I’m so hurt.

Apologies for the long post but I feel really sad about this and want to improve the relationship but finding it hard.

OP yes I understand.

I had my second child 4 months ago so I'm at home on maternity leave. She never texts to even see how we are or visits. I have to initiate everything and all the conversation. But it's all one sided. Last week we were very sick. I had been texting her so told her. The next day we messaged again and she didn't think to ask if me or her grandkids were any better, it's like it's just not important to get so she forgets. She doesn't work so is at home every day.

I have a neighbour who recently had a baby and her mother visits her every day for a few hours. I think it must be nice to have that support.

I did also talk to her about it again and again and all I got was I'm sorry you feel that way witch always infuriated me becuse it made me feel like my feelings and opinions didn't matter

"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a classic from this kind of 'parent'.

I could have written your entire post, OP. I'm so sorry that your mother is like this, you and your DC definitely don't deserve it
I have no idea why some mums are so uninterested, distant, cold etc. It seems that they just are, and there's nothing we can do to change them.
It took me a long time to accept that my mother is not going to change, and that for my own emotional protection I needed to let go of any expectations of what a mother should be like, and go very low contact with her. Funnily enough she probably hasn't even noticed!

I am so lucky to now have my own little DD, and the example my mother has set for me is everything a mum shouldn't be - so I know to just do everything the opposite to how she did! I love my little DD without limit, and I simply can't understand how a mother can be so uncaring as my own. People always say that having your own children helps you understand your parents better - but it's the opposite for me, having my own child has made it even more unbelievable to me that a mother could act like that.

What is different in your post, though, is that you say that you and your mum used to be close. That must be extremely sad for you that things seem to have changed. If there is a chance to fix the relationship, maybe you could start reaching out more to her? and see if she reciprocates at all? Good luck OP x

I think @mathanxiety has it. Perhaps she drinks more than you know?

You poor thing, OP, it must be so hurtful having a mum like that.

The thing to realise though is that you can't change someone. Nothing you do will make her more or less interested in your life, it's up to her to do that.

Either you start to understand why she is like that and accept that's just how she is and make peace with it and you have her in your life or you don't see her at all and make peace with that decision.

I would guess from her perspective (not that her perspective is right, or justified) she enjoyed having you as more of a friend than a daughter, someone to have a laugh with, and feels rather jealous of your other personal relationships with your husband or son and feels like you have "gone off" with them and don't care about her now. If that's the case it clearly isn't a healthy or correct way of thinking at all, but it is genuinely how some emotionally stunted people think.

Dear OP, My heart breaks for you. I understand how you feel. I think you may need more space from her. People who are not interested in you and who don't even ask questions are not a benefit to your life. I think this relationship is not adding anything to your life right now. Stay away from her. Don't fight, but don't call her. Every time you want to call her, call someone who treats you with kindness instead. Invest in people who treat you with love.

I'm so sorry, it is a sad situation. People on here who say she won't change are right, she's been as she is for a long time.

I wonder if she is a habitual drinker, keeping it secret. Booze does affect people's moods and makes them vague. It's a horrible secret to have to keep too. I don't know how you can find out or even if you want to but it would explain her.

Thank goodness you have your husband and son and I'm sure you are not having a distant relationship with your small one.

It's very sad that your mother doesn't/can't provide you with the demonstrations of love that you need. Now that you have your own child, that will be even more apparent than before.

Focus on the people who can love you, the ones who respond positively to you and your life. Slowly wean yourself away from your mother.

Not to be harsh OP but have you ever considered that perhaps your mum just wasn't the mothering type. That perhaps she had children because it was expected of her, and raised them as well as she could (by the sounds of you she did good)? She should be allowed to have a drink without judgement. Or to not be interested in your kid, not everyone likes them.

Parents aren't perfect people, OP, and while it hurts, we have to accept that they may not give us the love and support we need.

My Dad is a dependent type, always leaning on other people and wanting them to solve his problems and make him happy. It seldom occurs to him that a "good" parent would support their adult DC (emotionally, not financially) and not constantly criticise and moan to them!

I've had to accept that that's just who he is and I don't ask him for any type of emotional support or interest in my life. But, it's also a good life lesson as I make a big effort to behave differently towards my DC. They'll be on future versions of Mumsnet complaining about their suffocating mother who always wants to know what's going on in their lives!

I get this, this is sort of how my mum was, and my dad is to a point.
He only really wants to be involved if it includes him getting lifts to places he needs to go and taken out for lunch. Anything I share with him is 100% put down because the world is not how he believes it to be.
It's a lot. I'd honestly say try and minimize any expectation of a relationship with her, you'll have to accept it as it is because it wont change, however I do wonder what makes her like this. Were her parents similar with her?

Me too.
My mum is just like this and my DH says the same as yours.
When my kids were young I used to think at least she’s not interfering.
Now she’s old we seem to get on better, she’s self interested and has to force herself to be interested in anything else.
I do love her very much, and she me.
I think she’s just not the mothering type and it’s not the end of the world, just the way it is.

Opal you are not being unreasonable at all. Most Mums show their children they care and dote on their grand kids. All I can suggest is to expect nothing from her and then if she gives you even a tiny bit of love or care it will feel good. Don't compare her to other Mums as she is clearly not the maternal type. Are you close to your siblings? If not maybe try to get closer to them. Failing that find good friends.

Yab a bit unreasonable tbh OP. She is not obligated to have done any of those things and they are your expectations that you should've managed.

Yeah it's nice to have a Disney Mum, I'm sure. But most of us don't.

FaFoutis has it right :(
My advice to you would be to stop expecting anything from your mother and keep visits as infrequent and short as possible.

Every time you meet her will be upsetting, rather than the reassurance you keep hoping for. It's a bit like punching yourself in the face and hoping for a different outcome each time. I'd withdraw as much as possible, and stop expecting anything from her. So sorry you have to deal with someone like this. It does sound like she's a drinker.

Some people just aren't good parents. I would say a large minority of mums are really not interested in their children but feel like they're supposed to be so they manage to feign interest. Then there is the smaller minority that just can't muster up any enthusiasm at all.

My own mum definitely only had children because it was part of her idea of what she had to do, what would make her look like a good person who followed the rules and therefore deserved a reward/a good life.

After she and my dad split, you could almost watch her lose interest in us kids, the energy drained out of her and she just didn't give a fuck anymore. She had energy for herself and that was it. I think on her side she had been a "good mum" before that because she wanted my dad to approve of her and love her, and once he was gone, there was no motivation anymore.

Unfortunately, sometimes the best a person can do just isn't very good. It's unfair and shit, I know.

Your posts do contain hints that your dm may have a drinking problem. That combined with her lack of interest, e.g. the anecdotes about your wedding, would lead me to theorise that she is someone who just really doesn't like to deal with emotions too much, and prefers to be distant and numb.

And she is allowed to want that, to prefer that. The trick is that you are going to feel pain about that, of course you are, and you'll need to find a way to accept her as she is and stop expecting things from her.

I sympathise. I really do x

I'd go low contact and mull it over. My mum has narcissistic tendencies and can be very difficult. I've hated her at points but we're much better now.
It's hard to 'make peace' with it. It will take time but rest assured it's about you not her.
You are allowed to feel sad for what you don't have but also channel your energies into other relationships.

My MIL was the same with my children. It’s hard not to take it personally but ultimately it’s not a reflection on you/your child so you have to do your best to accept that your mother is like that and no matter how unnatural it may seem it’s just the way it is. I speak from experience when I say that it’s really hard not to feel like you’ve missed out when you see other people who have good loving relationships with their mother, or whose children have lovely attentive and helpful grandparents. I struggle not to feel jealous and hard done by. But unltimately it’s not about what you don’t have so you should dwell on it. You have a lovely family, or doesn’t include your mother and that’s a bit shit but it’s kist the way it is. The sooner you accept that you will never have what some people do the sooner you can start fully appreciating the good things in your life. I know it really hard, I know there’s a bleak hope in the dark corner of your heart that one day she will change completely and be a normal loving mother and grandmother. I know that people say hope is good but in these kinds of scenarios it’s not, it’s painful. Extinguish the hope and just get on with your life. I know it’s easier said than done but you have to try for your own sake

I can relate to your situation. I understand how disappointing it can be to always be the one to suggest meeting up, going out etc and then to have an awkward time when you do. I do agree she may be suffering some of her own demons whether it be jealousy, depression or simply just feeling as though she wasn't a great mother, especially now she sees how great you are with yours. I ended up concluding that it wasn't that my own mum didn't care she just didn't know how. My mother had a very similar relationship with her own mum and so I think she perhaps just doesn't know any difference. My other thoughts were that she had done her job and now felt it was her time to do what she wanted, travel, look after her own interests without any commitments. Its hard but on the bright side I vowed to be very close with my children as they grow and at least you know in your heart that you will definitely not make the same errors.

I do agree with the other poster about very low contact for a while.

Sometimes the kicking off about never seeing a grandchild can cause even more trouble.

I just put off and was vague and now MIL has gone from every weekend to maybe 3/4 times a year. However because I haven’t made a sudden NC and did it gradually, and always said she could get in touch and come around if it was ever raised (which of course she doesn’t). So I’m now mostly MIL free hooray.

Sorry wrong thread

Sorry op, hopefully that was obvious I meant it's about her and not you!!

I’m so sorry as you sound a lovely young woman who is making a success of her marriage and motherhood .
Sadly I think your own mother isn’t at all mature - her life is essentially the same as always big you have moved on . She is a narcissist who is wired just to see her own narrow view of the world - probably she will never realize what she is missing by not being close to to or your son . The face she wanted no part in your wedding planning is very hurtful to you . Please take your lead from your husband - he is right in his assessment. You have to come round to his way of thinking as she won’t change , sad to say .