Bothered by thirdhand smoke exposure for my 1YO

[Plssendadvice]

Hi there,

My partner is a smoker. He has been since day one and I can accept that it's a complicated and difficult habit to quit, not that I'll ever fully understand it as a non-smoker, and I've always just tolerated it and tried to keep myself away from it. When I fell pregnant with my daughter I made it clear that I didn't want it anywhere near myself or the baby, and ideally would like him to stop for all of our health. He didn't, and I must admit fault in feeling disappointed that he didn't at least try when it was my own will and not his that he try to quit. I read a lot about the dangers of thirdhand smoke and the toxins left on clothes and on the breath after someone has a cigarette, especially for little ones, and asked him to at least wear a jacket when he went out for a smoke so that he could take it off before coming inside to reduce my daughter's exposure to any of the nasties. This was a constant battle and it would make me cringe to see him come straight inside and pick up our newborn daughter while still reeking of cigarette smoke and breathing it out on his breath.

Just over a year on, this is still a battle I am not willing to surrender for my daughter's well being. He leaves cigarette butts and ash all over the ground and through the backyard so that if we ever want to take my daughter outside to play, I'm on high alert trying to make sure none of it ends up in her mouth (hello, babies eat EVERYTHING) and feel gross about her being out there at all. Recently he has started smoking in the car again - we have the one car that we share - so I now feel icky about putting my daughter in the car and had to remove the car seat and give it all a good wash for my own peace of mind. So now I have to keep taking the car seat in and out of the car, or live with the thought of all those toxins settling into the fabric. I've tried multiple times to bring this up with him, and always try to take a calm and logical approach about it, but his rebuttal is "It's all bullshit" and "his mother used to smoke in the car with him and his siblings and they're all fine" and everytime I get my head chewed off. I'm not asking him to quit smoking (he has expressed he has absolutely no desire to do so), but to abstain from smoking in the car that frequently carries our 1 year old daughter, and try to keep it to himself and try to contain the mess from it to limit my daughter's exposure. The car absolutely reeks and I hate the thought of my daughter being exposed to even that. We fought about it in the car today and he threatened to kick me out of the car and insisted he'd never stop.

He at least tries to smoke away from my daughter but this still really bugs me. I don't know how to approach this in a way that is well received by him and inspires change. I don't think I'm asking for much but he makes out like I'm asking him to cut off his arm. Am I being over protective?

Some people are just so bloody minded when it comes to smoking its just like any other addiction. The same people would be very upset if you for instance took drugs or drank to much in charge of a baby but at least you would'nt be damaging anyboby elses health but your own. Smokers don't care about anybody else as long as they can have their ciggies. I was elated along with many others when they banned it in the workplace. Did that stop them NO!! they then stood outside in the street. The NHS has enough to contend with without these people clogging up the system in later life. There has never been so much evidence or so many health warnings regarding the health risks involved in smoking but it dosen't seem to get through to some people. Having had a dad who smoked when we were siblings I can honestly say that we all suffer with weak chests now we are older and I put it down to passive smoke at home and in the workplace as it was allowed then as well as pubs and clubs. So no wonder lung cancer is so prevalent today. Hope you can make him see sense if only for his own health.

Hi op
I'm a smoker I am 33 and have been smoking since I was 18. I have a little girl almost 2 years old.
I am not going to quit I'm not ready firstly incase some decide to label me as disgusting.
I smoked whilst pregnant I have no excuse for that I know I was wrong. My little girl was born small but luckily is perfect.
When I go out to smoke I put on a dressing gown and take it off straight away and wash my hands for her first year I brushed my teeth or had gum straight after a cig.
To the posters saying leave him are you serious? If there are other issues ok
But op has chosen to have a child with him there for they both need to compromise. Him by wearing a jacket when he has a cig and not smoking in the car. But op you cant stop him smoking.

I think YABU - you had a child with someone who smoked and showed that he was going to continue to smoke. He's the one being consistent in all this.

He is a smoker and will continue to be one. You need to decide if you are prepared to continue what you are doing.

I’m probably going to get a verbal bashing for admitting I’m a smoker and a mother of toddler twins, but I would not tolerate myself or anybody else smoking near them, not taking the necessary precautions as outlined by the NHS and would be fuming if anybody ever smoked in the car with them!

I had quit when pregnant and managed two years completely free of it, but after I lost my son to stillbirth this year I sadly fell off the wagon. I never smoke during the daytime, certainly never indoors/in the car, if I’m having a particularly rough day I might have one or two in the evening after the twins are in bed and always take a sealed ashtray outside with me. Then I make sure to shower before they wake up so they’re not exposed to any of the smell clinging to my skin/hair.

So there is a way to be a smoker and be a conscientious parent.

He sounds completely unwilling to compromise on his ‘needs’.

My DH (who was a far heavier smoker pre-children than I’ve ever been) was the same, “my mum and dad smoked and I’m fine, your Grandparents smoked and you’re fine.” Etc.

We had agreed prior to having children that should we have them, we’d both make efforts to quit ASAP. I did, he didn’t, then when DD and DS came early he was subjected to the interrogations of the NICU nurses every time he visited, that opened his eyes a little bit. Then when DD got bronchiolitis in the hospital which lead to her right lung partially collapsing he did a u-turn. Still hasn’t fully quit, but like me keeps it for after bedtime and outside of the house. DD came home on oxygen and I still have a video of her difficulty with breathing, she came off the oxygen quite quickly which was a relief, but I will never forget how scared I was when she really struggled. Now if anybody dares to try and light a cigarette near her I sometimes have to resort to showing them the video and asking “is this what you want for her?” (Only family members not random strangers on the street I hasten to add!).

My DH had a good few kicks up the arse from health professionals that made him see sense, would getting your HV involved be an option? If he can’t address this appropriately and show that your DD’s health comes before ANYTHING else, I’d say it’s a dealbreaker @Plssendadvice

So you hate smoking and smokers, but partnered up with a man who is one and had a child with him? And now you think you have a right to dictate how a grown man is supposed to live his life and what habits he's supposed to have/not have. How odd.

I had a boyfriend just like that. I smoked, we dated, all was fine. As soon as things started to get more serious, he suddenly decided to change me according to his own needs, so I was supposed to quit. And I did quit. Him, not the cigarettes.

That said, a common courtesy still applies. I don't smoke when non-smokers are in very close proximity (children or grownups), I don't smoke in the car if it's shared with non-smokers even if they're not in the car with me at the time. I don't smoke indoors. However, if someone would start to lecture me about smoking OUTSIDE in the garden, I'd simply tell them to fuck off.

If it's such a big issue for you, just leave him. I suspect, he'd be happier for it.

Jesus christ, everyone on here seems to be forgetting that most of us reading on here were babies at a time when people were puffing away left right and centre.
That doesn't make it right, but get some perspective. You dont actually need to be having a shower after a cigarette in case your precious darling smells some tobacco.
How many of you drive your kids around? Live in cities where they're exposed to exhaust fumes and chemicals on a daily basis?

Can you convince him to vape? And to do it outside?

Nearly all the smokers I know have taken to vaping in the last 2 years.

He’s being ridiculous. Fair enough if he can’t quit smoking, but there’s no need to pick the baby up immediately, or smoke in the car, or drop cigarette butts where the baby plays. My mother used to smoke but she had a metal bin in the garden where she put her ash and butts; dropping it on the ground is just lazy and would be disgusting even if you didn’t have a child. I mean who turns their own garden into a shit tip like that?!