Feeling alone in parenting

[PhoebeBear]

I have a 2 month old lb, it's my first. Partner works long hours as he's a chef and hasn't done a night feed since baby was 3 weeks old. I had a forcep delivery which ended up in a infected episiotomy and pelvic prolapse so couldn't walk or move much for the first 5/6 weeks, he helped out at first with feeds until he went back to work. We're currently on a weeks holiday down the country with his parents. I'm up all hours of the night with baby as he has colic and cries a lot. Partner has not helped me out once as his excuse is he cannot hear the baby cry through the night and because I'm the mother only my ears are trained to hear the baby. I think it's such a shit excuse. I am shattered and I cannot enjoy our break away as through the day I just want to nap from being up all night. He's not working this week so why can't he help me out? He says my maternity leave is just a holiday for me but it's really not! Sorry just need to rant. AIBU or just a bitch?

Not a problem! Give him a shake (or kick), to alert him that the baby's crying (as his hearing is obviously so shit 🤔). Don't pander to him lying there pretending he's deaf as a post. Step up and tell him it's his turn or it'll be his turn alone 2 days/nights a week when you kick him out for being a pathetic parent.

You're being neither. Your dp is bu and thoughtless.

Do you think you could leave the baby with your dp today and just rest?
Its a shit situation and I feel for you. It will and does get easier. Or at least the phase will pass.
Men, smh.

@HUZZAH212 thanks for the reply. It aggravates me so much he just falls back to sleep so easily 'apparently' then leaves me alone with crying baby. For him to think it's a easy job when he's not there and at work is pathetic, especially with colic it's twice as hard as baby is constantly crying which sometimes leaves me crying with him 😔
Would love to just shout at partner but his parents in the other room and would be sticking their nose in come morning time. This holiday has been anything but a much needed break

Definitely give him a shake if you're formula feeding and he can actually do something. I have a 4 week old be I do all nights but DH takss the baby in the evening when colic is at its peak and I'm done and just want to sit for a bit without rocking or sshhing

If the colic is v bad and persistent then do consider cow's milk allergy, my first had it and it was awful until we worked it out

YANBU. He sounds like an absolute shit. And after all you’ve been through!

Maternity leave with a tiny baby and birth injuries is a “holiday”?? He doesn’t seem to have any respect.

As you’re currently with his parents, what are they like? Could you say something along the lines of, “Your son says only I can hear the baby cry as I’m the mum... and that’s why he doesn’t look after our baby at all... is that what you two found when he was a baby? Cos it’s leaving me exhausted! ”

Bottom line: it’s not “helping you out”, it’s parenting his own kid.

Hope you can use this week to at least tell him how hard things are (as he doesn’t appear to see, or care?) and try to make a plan for when you get home. How did you expect that you’d split the care before you had your baby? What do you think would work? His behaviour is inexcusable, but getting really clear on what you expect and what you need from him just might help. Rather than leaving it to hoping he’ll do the odd bit of parenting when he feels like it.

For starters, ask him to take responsibility for the baby for at least one full night while he’s off work so that you can try to sleep and he can see how hard it is?

@KRAmum his parents have offered this whole week to take baby on a morning when they wake up so I can get some sort of a lie in which I'm greatful for. To be honest my partner should be the one offering since he has had such a lovely long nights sleep while I'm rocking his child all hours of the night

@notmytea thank u for advice. He was a big baby when born and realised he likes his food. I've found giving him more milk on a night time is starting to sooth him more into his sleep pattern until 2.30 when the crying begins (I did also have thoughts on the cow milk allergy)
See there is no excuse for partner to not help out. When he is working he does 11am-11pm which I know is knackering for him and I do feel for him when he gets home at midnight and goes straight to sleep ready for the next day. But now he's not working this week I would just like a extra hand on a night time.
I don't think he realises when I'm up all night that I don't get my sleep and cannot sleep through the day either as I have the baby to look after

It sounds really tough OP, and whilst it's great his parents are offering to help out, it doesn't fix it long term. Dds newborn is 3mth and her partner also works long hours. But she's actually returned to work very PT very early on, so he doesn't get to absolve himself of all the childcare responsibility, and she can maintain some sanity. It's completely unfair that he's suddenly 'big man with important job/needs sleep', when I'd imagine you also worked pre baby, and are now facilitating him still benefiting from your maternity pay contributions, plus you providing the '' free childcare", plus doing the majority of the household running. It's very much the shitty end of the stick IMHO, and he needs to pull his finger out. Tbh I'd use the opportunity of enlisting his mum to inform him what an arse he's being whist you're both there (although obviously you shouldn't have to!), but it does give me the rage that he's being such a lazy prick.

What happens if you wake him when baby cries and ask him to have a go? I found that I was more attuned to baby crying, as DH is a heavy sleeper, but I'd just wake him with a bit of a prod.

“ his excuse is he cannot hear the baby cry through the night and because I'm the mother only my ears are trained to hear the baby”

Well that actually made me laugh.

What a lazy cnut. I’m a dad and (in case the obvious needs stating) that’s bollocks.

He's a sexist pig and a waste of space father.

Of course he can hear the baby, he just can't be arsed to do anything about it.

I would spell it out VERY clearly to him. He's not at work this week, he's the child's father and needs to pull his bloody finger out!

As for the maternity being a holiday comment - I mean who says that?

Basically, he's a massive twat.

Kick him out of the bed x

It's great that his parents are trying to make it a nice holiday for you - make use of them as much as possible. They've been through parenthood after all so they should understand how you're feeling.

Unfortunately the people we choose to have children with aren't always up to the task of parenting when we need them. I had this with my dh for the whole 18.5 months I breastfed! He only realised how exhausted I was when I got ill with a chest infection and didn't get better for 4 months. It seemed to switch him on, he's been a much better husband and father since.

Good luck op

Just wanted to say I have a similar situation; partner works long hours, I also had forceps and episiotomy delivery which resulted in me having very bad injuries, I was unable to lift or walk well for around 11 weeks. My son is nearly 7 months.

My partner typically leaves the house at 7am and isn't home till 8pm. Sometimes this is later and he works weekends.

But, when he is home, he does have the baby for me when he can. I'm breastfeeding so it's really difficult for him to 100% look after baby alone, but on Saturday for example, I woke and fed baby and then my OH took him downstairs for a few hours while I slept in.

You partner really needs to be doing so.etching similar to this too. There is absolutely no reason at all why he cannot look after his own baby when he wakes in the morning and feed him (if you're bottle feeding) so you get a rest.

Personally, if I were bottle feeding, I'd have left baby with dad for a good few hours to let it sink in that it definitely isn't a "holiday"! Cheeky little f**ker!

Let his mother know that she's raised a sexist waste of space father and see what she can do to change him, and if all else fails, let him know that you'll get at least 2 days a week off from baby care when he's a single parent.

Good luck. It isn't easy, but it would be easier for you without him. You don't want to be raising your baby and your man child xx

I just wake my husband up if I'm too tired. I do most of the nights and a majority of the mornings but he has to help too. It's not fair to leave it to you especially when it sounds like you've had a horrific time with it. The colic won't be forever. Ours stopped his fussy crying nights at around 14 weeks. Still seems like forever but try to reassure yourself that everything could be different this time next week. Until then take shifts or wake him up. Let you have a lie in and he can take the baby in the mornings or something.

When I use to help out in a homeless hostel I discovered lots of the men I personally spoke to worked in catering. If your DP doesn't want to be one of them he needs to step up

Yes his industry is hard but lots of male parents work long hours including shifts. My own DP does and he parented even though he was knackered plus had to care for another child.

Your DP needs to take over from you when he gets in for a few hours so you can go to sleep. Then have a sleep then wake up 90 minutes- 2 hours earlier to take over before he goes to work so you can rest, shower and eat breakfast.

I actually worry at the moment if you take a rest in the house around your OH will just hand the baby over to you when he cries. Can you talk to his parents and see if you can go out with one of them for a few hours leaving the baby with him? If you do this everyday for the rest of your time there it may sink in to him he's a parent.

It really is tough! And sounds like you had a really bad birth, I'm sorry you had to go through that. The physical problems can really get you down and make coping with sleepless nights even harder than it already is.
I assume this is your partner's first baby too? Not trying to defend him, but men are pretty clueless! Perhaps he needs to be told just how hard it is for your, and if it falls of deaf ears perhaps his parents could have a word. It seems they are helpful, and understand and see how tired you are.
You need some time to yourself, perhaps arrange a day out with friends when your home and let him look after baby himself, then maybe he will see maternity leave is not a holiday!!!
Good luck, your doing a great job! Xx

Well he can't have it both ways. Either it's really hard work in which case he needs to HELP or it's an easy least holiday in which case he won't mind going it all on his days off while you go out or catch up on sleep.

More difficult if you're breastfeeding, I get that. But he can still have the baby between feeds. You need to be firm about this. I know how hard it is.

I agree he can't have it both ways. If it's a holiday then he should be happy to look after the baby all the bloody time. And how do single or involved dads or dads that are on paternity leave hear the baby? To be honest he sounds stupid as well as lazy and selfish

He does sound of very low intellect, and like a misogynist as well. Presumably he radically changed once he impregnated you, since no one could find such a specimen appealing enough to inflict on someone as a ‘father’.
What’s with the phrases like ‘help out’ on this thread? (And the kisses at the end of posts?!) its not ‘helping’, it’s basic parenting and OPs boyfriend is an utter failure.

I suggest you read him the riot act now or things will only get worse. The less he spends time with the baby, the less confident he will be soothing him and the more he'll argue you're 'better at it'. Tell him it's no holiday, you need sleep too and every other night he's on duty. Wake him, hand him the baby and go downstairs. He'll soon figure it out.