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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop babysitting close friends kids

54 replies

Old98 · 10/10/2019 00:27

I look after the 2 boys of a very good friend 2 or 3 times a week to help her out with childcare when she is working. One of the boys is very prone to lashing out, due to a condition which means they struggle to control their emotions, with my youngest son bearing the brunt of the attacks. This child is also very overbearing and generally rude and belittling to my son, although my son still says he loves having the boys over to play. I have always tried to tread lightly and give the boy some slack due to his condition. However I feel it is starting to take a toll on my son, he is becoming less confident and increasingly nervous, and has now started lashing out himself at school. If it was anyone else's kids i would end it without hesitation, but as I am doing a favour for my friend I don't know how to broach the subject without risking damaging the friendship. However the situation is becoming steadily worse over time and I am worried that as the children get older and stronger that my son is more at risk from injury as well as the damage to his confidence. Aibu to tell me friend I cannot take them any more?

OP posts:
scatteredglitter · 10/10/2019 07:15

Absolutely
YANBU
Your home should be your sons safe haven

ChickenyChick · 10/10/2019 07:32

This sounds like a one side “friendship”

If it is a friendship based on you looking after her kids three times a week, and if she would dump you if you stop, you are not really losing a friendship. You are losing an unpaid childminder gig....

If you are really truly friends, you’ll still be friends even if you cancel (doubt it, sorry, she sounds a user. Been there done that Sad)

Girasole02 · 10/10/2019 07:40

Your duty of care is to your son. You are only helping out your friend.

IfIShouldFallFromGraceWithGod · 10/10/2019 07:49

I would stop looking after them
'You could put it as a sorry I just can't manage his behaviour and it's not fair on any of them. I don't know how you do it'
I have a SN child who was violent when younger, and still can be. They could not have managed being looked after in a group. She needs to be realistic. A good after school club can work but I had to pay extra for a 1-1

WhatchaMaCalllit · 10/10/2019 07:52

I'd recommend setting it out clearly now so that after the mid-term break (think one happens around Halloween) you are no longer looking after this child. It also gives the parents sufficient time to sort out alternative childcare.

I'm guessing by the tone in your posts that you're not being paid for looking after these children? Then you're doing them a massive service for nothing in return. Your own son will thank you in the long run.

Ohyesiam · 10/10/2019 07:55

Say that the boys don’t teally get in any more and that it’s not working out.
She will get it, but less likely to shoot the messenger.

EssentialHummus · 10/10/2019 08:12

What they all said^. Though personally if I was her in this situation I'd want to know the real cause - otherwise how could she address it?

PickedByYou · 10/10/2019 08:16

Of course you have to put your own kids interests first.

I think I’d say it wasn’t working as the three of them aren’t getting on well together and it’s getting stressful or annoying for you. You will find out just how good a friend she is when you tell her. A good friend will be understanding.

Roussette · 10/10/2019 08:16

Stop pussyfooting around and put your son first. I know it's hard to say 'no' to a good friend but you shouldn't even be hesitating on this.

Already your son has been affected. I would not have let it get this far, not in a million years. The minute I saw the way things were going, I would just be telling my friend 'this is not a good fit, it isn't working'.

Do it now. Who should come first, your friend's son or your son??

jumbojelly · 10/10/2019 08:18

I'd rather lose a friend than my son's happiness.

CalmdownJanet · 10/10/2019 08:21

You should tell her the truth. This is totally different to child with no additional needs bring bold, that might be hard to approach with a patent but your friend knows her son, this probably won't be a surprise.

"Mary I am sorry, I can't mind the boys any more. I feel awful because I liked being able to help you but John is lashing out more and more, which I know is not his fault, but it's James that it is effecting, I just can't have that for him in his own home. I'll do next week until you can sort something out but as much I want to help you James has to come first"

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 10/10/2019 08:21

You are looking after this child for a good period of time in the week and are sugar coating giving out to him if he is aggressive. Why are you sugar coating it? He needs to know what your boundaries are. He needs to know what the rules are in your house. I wouldn't expect anyone to act to be responsible for my children for a significant amount of time and have to tiptoe around bad behaviour.

Lay down the rules of your house and make sure ALL children stick to them. If someone doesn't then there's consequences.

If the mother has issue with you laying down rules, let her find someone else to mind her child.

Original poster
Old98 · 10/10/2019 08:24

Thanks everyone for the advice. It seems ridiculous to have even asked the question in the first place the answer is so obvious, but in real life of it has not felt so clear. Part of the problem which caused the indecision in the first place is that my eldest DS struggled for a long time to make any friends or even interact and play well with others, and his friendship and regular playtime with the elder boy has been transformative, he has become so much more confident and happier in the company of other kids and I naively thought or hoped that the situation would improve with time as the children got older, they range in age from 6-8. My friend also has no family in the area and has been very good to me, and so i also have felt guilty that I am not able to better help her. Not good enough reasons to continue I know, but it has felt like a very difficult place to be in. Thanks everyone again

OP posts:
GingersAreLush · 10/10/2019 08:24

YANBU you need to put your children first here and your friend needs to find suitable childcare from someone else.

Michellelovesizzy · 10/10/2019 08:26

Your son comes first..... it really is up 2 ur friend to sort her childcare. She is takin advantage of u. 2-3 times a week lookin after some 1 elses child is alot. If she has a problem with u saying you cant any more she isnt really ur friend. X

Italiangreyhound · 10/10/2019 08:29

If you value tgis friendship I'd give her some details of her son's behaviour but I'd also be firmly needs to stop. Lots of people have no family bear by. You say she has been good to you and you have been good to her. If you provide free child care three times a week you have saved her a lot of money. Flowers

Italiangreyhound · 10/10/2019 08:30

near by.

Gentleness · 10/10/2019 08:34

I feel bad for your friend who needs help with her son, but you can only help with that as part of a strategy she instigates.

I'm not clear whether you've raised it with her before, sorry if I missed that, but in your position I'd give her warning that it's becoming unsustainable.

Chamomileteaplease · 10/10/2019 08:35

It certainly sounds like a difficult conversation but hopefully you can get across how much you still value her friendship and all the while keep in mind that you are doing this to protect your son.

Piffle11 · 10/10/2019 08:35

Of course you have to end this relationship. Your DS must come first - if his own mother won't put him first, then who will? Don't prioritise this friendship above your DS's wellbeing: as others have said, if she's a real friend she will understand. Pick an end date - definitely no longer than a month - and stick to it. You are doing her a massive favour. We have no childcare and we managed, many do.

Penelopeschat · 10/10/2019 08:46

@Old98 it is hard and I’ve been in a similar situation myself with a friend. I kept it very friendly and wasn’t as forthcoming about the challenges as while my friend is lovely she is so defensive of her children, I just knew we would get nowhere. I kept
It breezy and very light and while I would say the air was frosty for a while (despite three weeks notice, going above and beyond to make transition smoother) and I didn’t hear from her for about 5 weeks, after a couple nice texts she eventually got back to me and over another few weeks we text back and forth. Just be prepared your friends emotions may play out. I think there’s no pressure to be too honest with your DF, you could say you’ve decided not to childmind anymore due to taking on other commitments, or that your DC want to do activities, or focus on dynamics. Do what is best for your family, though it is so nice to see how deeply you care about your friend.

Let us know how it goes!

poobumwee · 10/10/2019 08:48

YANBU

"I'm so sorry, but I'm not going to be able to have the boys anymore. I understand that X cannot help his behaviour, but it is having a serious impact on my son, so you'll need to make alternative arrangements ASAP. "

As hard as it may be, she needs to understand the impact it is having on your child, so she can make arrangements with someone who can accommodate his needs

GU24Mum · 10/10/2019 09:14

CalmdownJanet had a good way of putting it. Perhaps too you could say that you need to break "for now" rather than say that you'd never do it again.

Justkeeprollingalong · 10/10/2019 13:18

Have you spoken to your friend about the boy's behaviour as it has deteriorated or will this come completely out of the blue?

Rainbowknickers · 10/10/2019 13:34

My mother used to childmind 3 kids years ago for £50 a week
I’m sure the money came in handy but these kids where a nightmare
They’d break our stuff (that we’d bought with our pocket money 90% of the time)
Lie-and my mother took their side 99% of the time
Steal-if it wasn’t nailed down it was fair game-their parents thought it was funny
Lash out at us
Gang up on us all the time
Much much more but I remember thinking £50 just didn’t undo the damage done to us at the time
It got to the point I’d go anywhere apart from home until 6 when they went home again
Please don’t put your child through this-tell her it’s not working anymore and to find new childcare
I know these kids had issues too but we where nervous wrecks for 6 years because of them

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