So Called 'Friend'

[AiryFlyingFairy]

'Bec' has been what I thought was a good mate of mine for years. Now I think she's treated me shabbily. I don't think I'm b. u. at all but have any of you been treated like this by so called friend?
She lives in the next street to me. Every so often we have a mug of tea & a natter. Recently, she mentioned she'd be going out for drinks over the next weekend with her best pal. I know the pal too btw. Later in the conversation she said " Join us if you like". I said, I might do that. We talked about it some more & I said, "Yes I'm up for it", especially as we hadn't been out all together socially in yonks. As she left me she said I'll let you know about going out. I said again, Yes, that'd be nice & look forward to it.
Next couple of days went by & I was just left hanging. Never followed up with the invite. To make it even worse, she didn't even bother making a lame excuse. Plus I know she went out as I actually saw her being dropped off home after. I know she must have only asked me to be nice & wasn't sincere. Not nice at all. We're both over 40. Seems a childish way to treat a friend. That was 4 weeks ago & I haven't heard from her since. My partner has reminded me she's done this sort of thing to me before over the years. But it was so blantant this time. I'd never treat anyone with such a lack of respect. Ok not much to fall out over in the great scheme of things but I won't trust her again. Now I'm waiting until I bump into her and see her reaction when I ask what happened or would you even bother?

Thanks in advance for any insight Mumsnetters.

Drop her like a stone @airyflyingfairy I’ve had this done to me and it’s unbelievably hurtful. However, i’ve Come to realise that if the person wanted me (you) there, they’d have made the effort to follow up the invite. She doesn’t see you as a priority, sorry.

I don’t understand why you just didn’t just message her.

I should probably add that I know 3 can be a crowd but I had also told her I'd just join them for a couple of drinks to leave earlier so they could catch up by themselves. I wasn't going to feel like a 3rd wheel.

Why didn’t you text her closer to the date to follow up? Could she have forgotten ?

Do you think (perhaps) you're more invested in the friendship than she is? As in, you see her as a friend but she sees the relationship as more a casual/neighbourly aquaintance?

Surely you could have texted her saying what time we meeting? Why is it all her responsibility. You might be dropping a friend just because she is disorganised or forgetful.

Because she definitely said she would message me. If I had I expect I'd have got a lame excuse.

Maybe Bec’s friend wasn’t happy she had invited someone else without being asked first and Bec didn’t know how to tell you so awkwardly left it.

But you also say she’s done similar before.

I understand why you might feel a bit hurt. Maybe ask her when you’re all going out as you haven’t heard anything - see what she says.

I would have just sent a text a few days before. These sorts of plans are usually quite fluid aren't they?

Not how I interact with friends. If I arrange going out, I always follow it through. Let the others know what the plans are. I'd never leave anyone hanging like unless there was a proper crisis. It makes it even worse that we live nearby so I could see she still went out. Even if she'd just let me know beforehand and even lied to spare my feelings but to not say anything at all is even worse.

I get all the comments about texting in advance and taking the initiative to avoid being left dangling , however my feeling is that you have learned an awful lot about this alleged friend and won’t need to get involved with someone insincere.

I think she’s invited you because she felt she had to, maybe the other friend wasn’t too happy about it.

You seem more annoyed than maybe you should be about a friend going out with another friend, watching her come home sounds like you’re quite intense. I’m not sure why you didn’t just text about it beforehand.

I had a friend who would come out with endless ‘we must see each other soon’, ‘ee must do x y z together soon’ but then always had something else for days out i suggested. Never suggested anything herself. I stopped contacting her and never heard back, it’s been nearly a year.
Drop her and see those who actually do have time for you.

As a general rule, friends that leave you wondering about the friendship aren't great friends.
No-one needs a Bec in their life

She's not a friend, so don't treat her as one. Close they door on this twat.

*the

Yes totally true there Thank you

I can see how you were hurt but I have come to accept over the years that people have quite different expectations about what arrangements mean so I wouldn't jump to conclusions.

I have one friend who I have known for years, love her to bits and know she is a proper friend. She's helped me out hugely in a number of ways. But she has always been very unreliable with arrangements, needs chasing multiple times to confirm things and often cancels at short notice. She's a mum and has a hectic work life but she was like this before. She forgets, doesn't prioritise and then comes through at the last minute. It's how she rolls and she is genuinely nonplussed if pulled up on it.

At the opposite end of the spectrum I know people who will make a suggestion about something and then chase a couple of hours later for confirmation then follow up relentlessly with reminders to the point where you feel harassed.

Both ends of the spectrum are annoying to me and I'm somewhere in the middle: I like to be able to plan things but I dislike being chased and I expect a bit of leeway in my schedule and not to have to face people's wrath if things don't run to a meticulous timetable.

It partly depends on how you were brought up and the way your parents approached it and other factors such as how much else you have going on in your life.

I think after a while one has to accept that as long as the friendship is otherwise solid you have to allow for differences like this.

In this case it may well have been that your friend sort of forgot she'd talked to you. She may have expected you to chase. It is possible that she was being bitchy or thought the other friend was more important but its just as likely to have been thoughtlessness.

I think maybe raise it with her and you should be able to gauge from her reaction where she stands. If you genuinely think she was being a cow then write her off. But I think a lot of friendships are lost unnecessarily over different approaches to this.

She sounds a bit of a fair weather friend.

Sometimes we invest in people who really do not mind whether they see us or not. I had a 'friend' who was always happy for me to make arrangements to meet. She tended to call only to fill me in on her life. I stopped contacting her and did not hear from her for almost a year!

“So why didn’t you just text her?”
“Because that’s not how I do things”
Oh ok... 🤷🏽‍♀️👋🏽

Thanks for that. Food for thought.
I really don't believe she forgot.
I won't go balastic on her about this. Just am disappointed in her & if she ever does ask me out like that again, I will be busy washing my hair

Been there and it's hurtful. I'd give this person a wide berth tbh. Like me, sounds as if you are an option rather than a friend. I socialise with others now.

I've posted a really similar problem on MN this week OP. It's so horrible when someone you had good faith in turns out to be a horrible person. But I'm afraid her actions speak louder than her words, and your DP has called it. Definitely move on and don't allow her back into your trust. You can be polite but don't seek her friendship out again. You are better than that. Sorry though, I know it sucks