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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Baby 3

48 replies

NooneToldMeItWasRaining · 09/10/2019 19:27

Literally no good reason to have baby number 3 (DS4 and DD2) and we are not getting any younger and we are comfortable but no spare cash.....but I just want another one so badly...probably my ovaries letting out death cries....argh. Help!

OP posts:

Original poster

NooneToldMeItWasRaining · 10/10/2019 09:04

Well, school is free and if they want to go to uni, they can get a loan and work part time like I did. We would of course help them in any way we could and both our children have savings accounts .

But yes, on the whole, logically I do think that we should stick at 2. Just my heart says otherwise

OP posts:

Original poster

NooneToldMeItWasRaining · 10/10/2019 09:08

Not sure helping them get on the housing ladder is neccessary. Nice, but not neccessary.

OP posts:

GinDaddy · 10/10/2019 09:18

I think you should stick to two, precisely because you're umming and ahhing about creating a life on an internet forum. If you were sure, you'd just go ahead.

Original poster

NooneToldMeItWasRaining · 10/10/2019 09:26

I ummed and ahhed about the first 2 as well TBH

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GinDaddy · 10/10/2019 09:27

@NooneToldMeltWasRaining

Ah...fair enough then I stand corrected.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 10/10/2019 09:32

what's to say you won't feel exactly the same once DC3 is 3 or 4?

DW is extremely broody for DC4, despite our current youngest being 10, and her being closer to your husbands age!

Original poster

NooneToldMeItWasRaining · 10/10/2019 09:35

This is very true discontinued . I think part of it is sadness that that part of our lives is over now. But that will always be the case at some point I know

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360eyes · 10/10/2019 09:39

I am now cuddling my 7 month old who is my second child (which I hate to admit, I was not sure I wanted at first, to the point where I was panicked and needed counselling) dont regret it now at all, but know it will be tough, especially when I go back to work.

In my heart I know I wanted another child, but was scared of the financial commitment and the hard work that would ensue. You sound like that's not enough to put you off, so bearing in mind how I first felt with no. 2, I think you'll be fine. Is DH on board with this though?

Crotchgoblins · 10/10/2019 09:43

I have 2dc the same ages as yours. Eldest just started school. There is a definitely feeling of life shifting to a new phase. Less baby, more school child and it has made me wander how I will feel in 2 years time when both are at school. I'm excited for the new freedom ahead that comes with older children.

Yes I will miss the baby phase which I have loved. Realistically though it was different with first 2 in baby phase. Adding a 3rd for us would be too much and neither me or DH has any desire to go back to pregnacy/colic/ sleepless nights/ nap schedules. Both DC have been terrible sleepers and balls of energy as toddlers/ pre schoolers. I already feel very thinly spread.

Think carefully before making a decision especially if you are both not 100% for this

360eyes · 10/10/2019 09:45

You must have easy pregnancies OP. My second was ROUGH with sickness, being able to smell everything, hip pain, waking every hour and emotional/hormonal stuff. The birth and the aftermath was a doddle in comparison. I would bear in mind the potential 9 months of hell carrying a baby too.

Wallabyone · 10/10/2019 09:48

My third has just turned one, and we al totally love having him. It's really not been that much harder, just a bit more washing and mess. I'm so happy we decided to have him.

Original poster

NooneToldMeItWasRaining · 10/10/2019 09:55

360 you would think right?! But no! Not at all. I had spd with both, dislocated tailbone, high blood pressure....plus 2 difficult births (both inductions) I don't even like pregnancy (other than the excitement and feeling the baby move).

Yes wallaby that's the thing. My head says no, but my heart feels we aren't done.

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MustardScreams · 10/10/2019 09:55

I think it’s selfish. Not having a lot of disposable income, spreading yourselves even thinner. What positives will another baby bring to your current children’s lives? Less time with their parents, less money to go around, more stress. Yes there will be good times but at what cost? What if your third is severely disabled and needs 24 hour care? What if you have a third and want a fourth?

Sometimes you need to be happy with what you’ve got. Regret is just an emotion, it won’t harm you if you feel regret in your life.

Original poster

NooneToldMeItWasRaining · 10/10/2019 09:59

crotch yes, i would like to be able to focus solely on my 2 existing children and move happily into the new phase in our lives. I just cant stop thinking of another one

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Chillichutney1 · 10/10/2019 10:07

I’m desperate for a third as well OP, to the point I’ve considered leaving my DH as he is not keen on a third it’s a very irrational but primal urge

I’m almost 40 and feel time and fertility issues Are not on my side, I think I’ll carry that regret with me forever

gruffalo28 · 10/10/2019 10:16

I felt like you before our third child. He is now 7 and our older two are nearly 12. I have never regretted him and I don't feel the others have missed out, if anything it has enhanced all our lives as he is soo much fun (and btw he is disabled although mildly so, don't think I'll be a carer for the rest of my life but he does need extra help). I have time for all of them and they all seem to get on really well with each other. The house is noisy and full of laughter. The extra child makes the dynamic of the relationships more interesting.
Downsides are its difficult to share 1 hotel room on holiday and its a bit of a squeeze in a normal 5 seater for long car journeys. I disagree with posters that say its selfish as it reduces resources/time for the existing children. Obviously if you are on the breadline/a single parent working full time they might be right but if you are comfortably off and you both put time into the kids its fine. Kids don't need lavish holidays/designer labels to be happy and they don't need hours of one to one time from a parent each day. I think such intense parenting could be quite harmful and so long as you have enough time to read with each of them when younger/talk to each of them individually when they need it/help with homework and give lifts you're doing great. Personally, I'd go for it.

InDubiousBattle · 10/10/2019 10:36

When my two were 2 and 3 I was desperate for a third. Dp was much more practical and we decided not to go for a third. Despite the devastation at the time it was the right decision for us. Two years on I still feel occasional sadness about it but it's much better. Making the decision final (no 'maybe at some point..' or 'if it happens it happens'), giving away the baby things and a fair bit of talking/crying about it helped.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 10/10/2019 10:41

I guess your husband has a point OP, there have been lots of recent studies showing the fathers age is linked to genetic abnormalities (much stronger link than previously thought) and even things like autism is now thought to be linked to fathers age.
Also...how would you cope with twins!?

NotQuiteUsual · 10/10/2019 10:58

We have three, we weren't sure but after a drunken accident led to a pregnancy that we lost, we knew we had to do it.

I'm not going to lie, it's been tough. The pregnancy was utterly awful and mine was relatively simple. Money is tight and that is stressful. But the love and joy she brings is genuinely worth it. It comes down to priorities.

Do you want to go abroad for holidays? Go out for dinner every now and then? Do you want to buy new or second hand? Are you ok with very little down time? We aren't big on stuff like big holidays or eating out, most of our clothes are from friends or cheap bundles online. So for us the sacrifices are no big deal, but I can imagine for others they would be. What lifestyle do you want?

The other aspect is how much less time I have with my husband. We feel like we barely see each other, since our attention is split between our three children.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 10/10/2019 11:09

BTW, i didn't mention that we don't regret having 3!

there's a larger gap between DS1 and DS2, meaning that now DD1 and DS1 are teenagers with lots in common, DS2 gets left out a bit more.

previously it was DS1 that got left out, as DD1 was a bit of a 2nd mum to DS2.

that might change again as DS2 becomes a teenage boy.

as other PPs have said, the adjustment (in terms of time, financial commitments etc) from 2 to 3 was less noticeable than from 1 to 2.

the only thing we find problematic is hotel rooms!

Whattodoabout · 10/10/2019 11:18

If you have the money and space for a third then why not.

lynsey91 · 10/10/2019 11:23

No you shouldn't have a 3rd. Your DH isn't that keen. You have 2 healthy children to be grateful for, a third could have some disability. You will possibly struggle financially when they are older - driving lessons, uni etc.

I am 1 of 3 and hated it and I know quite a few others who hated having 2 siblings. Odd numbers are just awkward.

Also there is overpopulation. We are all meant to be so concerned about climate change and the future and yet people are still not keeping their families small

MustardScreams · 10/10/2019 11:27

If you have the money and space for a third then why not

What a ridiculous statement. Because children only need money and space to thrive? It’s absolutely not that simple and it’s no wonder we’re overpopulated if people think like that.

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