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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stage an intervention? TRIGGER-addiction

24 replies

familydrama101 · 09/10/2019 17:58

SIL has an addiction to alcohol which has recently escalated to dizzying heights, with her being out of it during the daytime everyday, having lost her driving licence for a year due to D-driving, and using spirits as well as wine.
She has 2 DC, 1 of whom requires more specialist care due to additional needs. Both are under 11. Her husband is completely exasperated at the situation, and her family (sister, brother and parents) are at a loss as what to do.
Now my husband (her brother) has been through and is in recovery for a prescription drug problem, which I guided him through etc so I do have some experience in this area.

AIBU to want ,do or even think that I can do something to help her??

OP posts:
FiveStoryFire · 09/10/2019 18:04

What are you proposing to do exactly?

Original poster
familydrama101 · 09/10/2019 18:06

I don't even know really. I know that Addicts have to be ready and accepting of their state before they can start the recovery journey. But I would've thought that losing her licence would've shocked her enough into that, let alone the possibility of SS getting involved.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/10/2019 18:16

But I would've thought that losing her licence would've shocked her enough into that, let alone the possibility of SS getting involved.

You're so not the right person to help her then.

She needs professionals but as you say, she has to want the help.

Original poster
familydrama101 · 09/10/2019 18:22

Well quite , it's just hard to sit back and watch it all happen

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 09/10/2019 18:24

Don't you think her husband, sister, brother and parents feel the same though?

What is it that makes you think you're the one to help her?

Helping your DH to quit prescription drugs is completely different to helping your sister-in-law beat alcoholism.

Original poster
familydrama101 · 09/10/2019 18:27

They have all said to her that it needs to stop and does she not see the impact it's having. But on the other hand they also enable by having booze flowing freely at family events etc which I find is unhelpful for her. There has been talk of getting her into a rehab situation such as the Priory but at what cost to her family set up etc.

OP posts:
pooopypants · 09/10/2019 18:27

She won't quit until / unless she wants to.

Has anyone reported her to SS yet? I'd be on the phone like a shot, if she's drinking in the day, how can she responsible for and taking care of the DC, let alone cooking etc while they're in the house??

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 09/10/2019 18:30

There is nothing you can do to change her or her behaviour. That has to come from her.

Original poster
familydrama101 · 09/10/2019 18:30

None of us have reported to SS. Feels a bit like throwing her under the bus except that it's more in the kids interest (or is it?). Obviously there has been police involvement because of the drink driving , and some historic DV.

OP posts:
Original poster
familydrama101 · 09/10/2019 18:32

I definitely believe the kids are impacted though, as they are scared by her behaviour when drunk. She's around 1.5 hours drive from us all too so not as if we can all help with childcare often either.

OP posts:
WizzyWanta · 09/10/2019 18:36

I work in this field and have found that people are only able to recover from their addiction when they are ready, no matter how severe the effects and consequences of their habit.
Look up the Cycle of Change which gives you an idea of the process when changing negative patterns of behaviour and how you can help someone progress through these changes.
Also, it depends on the root cause of the alcohol misuse as to how quickly and effectively someone can make those changes. Therefore, it is important for your SIL to consider what additional support she needs in order for her to successfully overcome her reliance on alcohol. For example, how much support does she get with raising her children (there is plenty of research which evidences the effects of raising a child with additional needs on their carer's health and well-being)?
I also think it would be worth googling some articles on the effect supporting someone with an addiction has on your own well-being. Unfortunately it is usually a long journey which can become all encompassing for everyone, so it's worth being aware of the pitfalls before you become to involved in it all.
I wish you all the best.

jimmyhill · 09/10/2019 18:38

What is an "intervention" exactly, beyond something you've seen in the movies? How do they work? How effective are they?

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2019 18:47

Yes and what will your intervention actually involve?

Original poster
familydrama101 · 09/10/2019 18:49

Well I'm not exactly proposing an intervention. More what the hell to do. But evidently nothing. As already discussed, she has to do this independently.

OP posts:
Spied · 09/10/2019 18:49

I think you sound great but I honestly don't think you are the right person to do it.
She will be on a rollercoaster of emotions and you will bear the brunt (as you know). You may be ready for this but it will affect your family as a whole and while you managed to get through this with your DH, it may be totally different with her.
You also aren't local which will be difficult when she will be needing support with appointments.
If she proves she is wanting to stop and attends alcohol support ( with counseling) regularly and accessed through GP she will be put on a waiting list for a rehab programme but she will need to show she is committed.
Rehab programmes can be worked through at home if it's in the best interests of the family as a whole.
Does she have family living closer who would help her or who your DH could talk to about things?

PositiveVibez · 09/10/2019 18:50

She need Sto hit her 'rock bottom'.

She's not reached it yet even though in your eyes she may have done.

Until she does and says she wants help, there is nothing you can do to enforce her recovery.

theemmadilemma · 09/10/2019 18:54

She'll need to reach rock bottom before she's ready. She's not ready yet clearly. You don't see the hurt your causing, your mind is mainly taken up with alcohol and the addiction. It comes first.

There's no need for the Priory as such usually. Most areas will have free substance abuse counselling etc. Check the council website. I had free counselling and then an at home dextox (alcohol) and continued counselling weekly for as long as needed.

But you can't force someone down that road, it's a choice they need to make otherwise it just won't work.

longearedbat · 09/10/2019 18:54

There is nothing you can do to make her change her ways. She has to be the one to want to change, and she may come to that realisation, or she may not. Don't underestimate the power of the self destruct button. Not every addict suddenly thinks 'hang on, this is not good, I'd better stop'. You would do better putting your energies towards helping her children, not her. 'Staging an intervention' is a construct of Hollywood as far as I'm concerned. You could spend a fortune at, say, the Priory, only for the person to start the same behaviour again as soon as they leave. The need to quit HAS to come from the addict.

WorraLiberty · 09/10/2019 18:54

As already discussed, she has to do this independently.

No she doesn't.

But she needs to get to the stage where she wants to be helped. The hopefully you'll all pull together and help her through it.

Just keep letting her know there are options available and she'll have plenty of family support if/when she's ready.

YouSirOweMeOneNewHat · 09/10/2019 18:55

You can't do anything. No one can apart from SIL.

My mum was an alcoholic. She remained an alcoholic until the day she died last year.
Not me, nor her GD (who she loved so, so much), DH, DFriends.

No one could stop her.

You can fork out £££ for rehab - if she doesn't want to be there she'll walk out.
My mum did.

Until she has reached her rock bottom (she may never) nothing will stop her.

ParkheadParadise · 09/10/2019 18:56

She's got to want to stop.
My dd was in rehab 3 times before she managed to stop.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 09/10/2019 18:59

I celebrated 30 years sober in April. I did it through 6 weeks in rehab followed by some years of frequent AA meetings (we're talking 5 a week for the first couple of years, slowly decreasing to 1 or 2).

If your SIL is this ill and has two DC who are being so affected by her drinking it sounds like an emergency. Is there any way you could all club together and send her to rehab? She'd need to agree, of course.

Some people get sober just by attending AA meetings. However rehab made all the difference to me. Six weeks with nothing to do all day but attend a range of events all day, from discussion groups to relaxation therapy and spend the evenings with about 30.other addicts. Total Immersion therapy.

It may be too expensive. She may refuse to go. Just a thought. But I came out of rehab well on the road to recovery. I never drank again.

Original poster
familydrama101 · 09/10/2019 19:03

Thank you for all your input and your own story @Prawnofthepatriarchy

Paying for Rehab would be an option but as you say that is a very personal decision, and not one she could be forced to attend.

OP posts:
ashtrayheart · 09/10/2019 19:08

One of my friends lost her marriage, her driving license and her organs are failing.

She still drinks. She engages half heartedly with services but ultimately she doesn't want to stop and she will end up killing herself, it's very sad.

I'm an ex drinker so I do understand addiction and the need to want to change, it had to come from within.

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