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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To believe him? Condom in wash bag

49 replies

wtar19 · 09/10/2019 13:56

My DP has recently been on two trips away. A friend’s wedding overseas a day after returning a one night work trip overseas. I know both trips were exactly what he said they were.
I thought we had a few condoms left but when we last went to use them, the box was empty. This morning when I was looking for something else, I found one in his wash bag.

I asked him why it was in there and did he pack it for his recent trips. He said he didn’t even take that washbag and has been using another one recently (he has several) and maybe it was left over from the last time we went away. He wasn’t defensive or angry but quite calm as if it was no big deal. I pushed him on it and he told me to think carefully about what I am implying / accusing him of as he would never do anything like that and it’s insulting that I am implying it.

Background – I suffer from aniexty and often think the worst in any situation i.e if someone doesn’t text me back – I worry they might have been in an accident and died. So my judgment might be a bit off.

We have been together a few years, we live together and I have never had any reason to believe or suspect anything like this. I feel as if we are happy / in love and both feel as if we have met ‘the one’. But I also feel a bit cynical about just believing this if it’s an obvious clue to something untoward.

Do I just forget it and assume it’s nothing and left over from a trip of ours? Or do I keep an eye out for clues / drive myself crazy looking for them?

OP posts:

RueCambon · 09/10/2019 15:24

Does he really have several washbags on the go?

Bucatini · 09/10/2019 15:26

I agree with other posters that a condom in the wash bag may not be suspicious (ie if he took a different bag with him and this one was left there from a time when you went away together). So I would give him the benefit of the doubt this time unless something else seems odd.

As an aside - who has five different wash bags?!

managedmis · 09/10/2019 15:40

What was his reaction like when you asked him?

Might he be gaslighting you?

WaxOnFeckOff · 09/10/2019 15:41

I've been on the other end of something similar OP. DH was looking for something and I said it would be in the bag I usually use for work. He went to get the original thing and found a condom in the bag. He'd had a vasectomy a few months prior to this.

As I regularly go away for work overnight and take this bag with me it did look highly suspicious and to be fair we were both under stress. He was at home looking after 2 toddlers, we'd recently moved house, I had a new job etc etc.

There was however a completely innocent explanation. We'd recently moved. On moving day as the movers were taking away stuff, I was trying to clear behind them. As they'd lifted the bed I'd spotted a stray condom in the wrapper and a couple of pens, I just chucked the lot into my work bag as that was sitting at the top of the stairs.

I have never cheated or even thought about cheating but his own paranoia and an unfortunate set of circumstances nearly broke us up. he was furious about me "cheating", I was furious about being accused. We did get through it (now nearly 20 years later and still together) and I know he believes me now but it's easy to assume that 2 plus 2 =5.

MrsLEB · 09/10/2019 15:42

How long was it since you last went away could you check the expiry date on it?

TatianaLarina · 09/10/2019 15:46

Either he’s innocent or it’s a skilled deflection. Can’t tell.

Not loving the warning though.

UnderHisEyeBall · 09/10/2019 15:46

Compare the batch number of the condoms in the washbag to the batch number of the empty box.

Seriously? Fucking seriously?

OP, the reason why people get suspicious if they find condoms on their partner is if they don't normally use them as a form of contraception, then they would wonder why they were using them, right? The fact that you do use them means this is not suspicious circumstances. Can you see that?

SpiderCharlotte · 09/10/2019 15:52

I don't think this sounds suspicious at all.

DorisTheFlorist · 09/10/2019 16:20

Clearly innocent. If guilty he would have used the ‘posh wank’ excuse

Mydogmylife · 09/10/2019 16:29

Pp says not loving the warning though, I do get that, but if I flipped it and my oh was accusing me I wouldn't be that chuffed either, especially if he had form for it.

GlitterSparkle85 · 09/10/2019 16:33

Doesnt sound to me like he was cheating if you really suspect cheating then put a little x in the condom packet then next time hes back and it's not there you'll know x

Iggly · 09/10/2019 16:36

Well the question for me is how long have you suffered from anxiety.

The other question is do you actually go away much and take condoms in his wash bag?

Iggly · 09/10/2019 16:37

He wasn’t defensive or angry but quite calm as if it was no big deal

Being accused of cheating when you haven’t cheated is a big deal IMO so I’m amazed he’s so calm about it.

outofmydepthhelp · 09/10/2019 16:48

We've been on 3 holidays this year and do take them in his wash bag but it's not set in stone. We aren't super organised or routine driven so I can't remember what we did the last time we went away in July.

The used by date wouldn't matter as they are the same type we buy and use so my thought was did it come from our box or was left over from a few months ago.

My aniexty has been over the past few years. I didn't accuse him overtly. He clearly wasn't thrilled but was calm because I think he knows how my panicked and sometimes irrational thought processes works.

Thanks everyone for your replies!

Andysbestadventure · 09/10/2019 16:51

How far away is the expirey date? That will tell you roughly when it was purchased.

BadSun · 09/10/2019 17:06

Honestly if you've zero other reason to suspect he's been/is being unfaithful, then I think you're worrying about nothing. And certainly it could be hurtful to imply to him that he may have been unfaithful based on this alone.

HillRunner · 09/10/2019 17:11

It doesn't sound implausible, provided there's nothing else to worry you. Both I and DH have more than one washbag, so that's normal enough to me.

Boysey45 · 09/10/2019 17:12

So where have they gone from the box? or were you mistaken about how many you had left?
Can you remember which washbag he took?
I'd think the worst because I've known a lot of lying, cheating men.

IncrediblySadToo · 09/10/2019 17:19

You guys use condoms, you found an unopened condom in his wash bag.

You started by accusing him of setting out to cheat on you & he calmly explained he didn’t use that wash bag. You carried on interrogating and he got (justifiably) annoyed at being accused of cheating. I think his warning was more than fair.

I understand how awful anxiety is, but there are times when you need to think before you speak, this was one of them.

The UNUSED condom is a red herring. Either you trust him or you don’t.

FindusCrispyPancakes · 09/10/2019 17:25

You sound paranoid. Unless you have an actual reason to doubt him I'd say you were being ott. If I found condoms in a wash bag my husband took away with him I'd assume they were from whenever we were last away, I just wouldn't ever think how you are, it wouldn't even cross my mind. Have you been cheated on in the past or something?

NearlyGranny · 09/10/2019 17:33

To my mind that warning, "Think carefully, what are you accusing me of?" is suspicious in itself, unless you are prone to flinging baseless accusations around (which you have hinted you might be.)

If it was left over from your last trip together, he would have just hugged you and told you not to be daft, it was from the Italian trip, or wherever, remember?

When people get defensive and prickly it's often because there's something to hide and you're close to it.

That will not help your anxiety, I know, but he should not be using your anxiety as a shield for cheating, either. And he might or might not be.

If he is, it will come out soon enough, probably in a really stupid random way.

BadSun · 09/10/2019 19:03

To my mind that warning, "Think carefully, what are you accusing me of?" is suspicious in itself, unless you are prone to flinging baseless accusations around (which you have hinted you might be.)

She did say that was after she pushed him on it, which makes it sound pretty reasonable to me.

She asks him why there are condoms in his wash bag – he doesn't know and suggests a possible reason – "He wasn’t defensive or angry but quite calm as if it was no big deal".

She continues to push him about it –he tells her to "think carefully about what I am implying / accusing him of as he would never do anything like that and it’s insulting".

Reading it back now it sounds about as far from suspicious as you can get tbh.

Mydogmylife · 09/10/2019 19:07

@BadSun

This exactly

Iggly · 09/10/2019 19:39

So has your anxiety been since you’ve been with him... or does it pre date him?

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