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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure what to do?

17 replies

unsureonrelationship1234 · 09/10/2019 11:32

Posting on here for traffic as my other post hasnt got much response.

Hi, i have used mumsnet for ages when it comes to advice but this is my first post.

I have been with my partner for 8 years since we were 15, he is the only person I have ever been with and I am the only person he has ever been with (feel like this might be relevant to mention).

Lately I have just been feeling really unsure on the relationship, I sometimes feel worried that I have missed out if that makes sense.. But it's also weird because when I think about the future and having kids I even now always see it being with him, but then I've never really known anyone else so not sure if this is why.

I love him so much and the thought of hurting him makes me so upset, he gets along with my family really well and i think this might be another reason why I don't know what to do. But our sex life is not great, he probably thinks it is but I don't really enjoy it at all, we have sex a few times a week but I literally never finish, he usually has to help out after, which is great that he does but I just wonder is this the best it's ever going to get? Again, I wouldn't know because he's the only person I've ever been with.

I also feel like I have to mummy him quite a lot when it comes to everything. I feel like I just wish he was a bit more manly, which sounds awful to say!

I just need some advice from strangers on what they think in this situation, I don't really feel like I could talk to my family about it because they all love him so much. He treats me so well and would do anything for me, I just have this niggling feeling in the back of my mind that what if there is better? I feel selfish for saying that as he really is great. And like I say, it's weird because even though I have this feeling, every time I think of the future and getting married/having kids I can't imagine that not being with him!

Sorry if I'm rambling or don't really make much sense! Hopefully you all get where I'm coming from and can give me some good advice! Thank you

OP posts:

ThreeLittleDots · 09/10/2019 11:34

I also feel like I have to mummy him quite a lot when it comes to everything

What specifically do you mean? Doesn't sound very attractive!

AllFourOfThem · 09/10/2019 11:37

I don’t think you will necessarily get the kind of responses you are looking for on AIBU.

Original poster

unsureonrelationship1234 · 09/10/2019 11:38

@ThreeLittleDots like i have to sort things out for him and tell him what to do, i deal with his savings, booking holidays ect, everything we do i feel like i have to plan because he just wont. Even down to doing his CV for him...

OP posts:

quincejamplease · 09/10/2019 11:39

But it's also weird because when I think about the future and having kids I even now always see it being with him, but then I've never really known anyone else so not sure if this is why

That is exactly why.

I feel like I just wish he was a bit more manly, which sounds awful to say!

What on earth does this mean?

Venger · 09/10/2019 11:41

It sounds like you've possibly outgrown the relationship. No one is the same person at 23 as they were at 15, you were a child and you're now an adult with different wants, needs, and priorities.

Would taking a break be an option to give you time to think about what it is you want? Or could you seek counselling to talk through your feelings and help you decide?

Venger · 09/10/2019 11:43

like i have to sort things out for him and tell him what to do, i deal with his savings, booking holidays ect, everything we do i feel like i have to plan because he just wont. Even down to doing his CV for him...

So you're the adult in the relationship? That is something that is unlikely to improve and once you add kids into the mix you will quite probably find yourself carrying 100% of the mental load.

quincejamplease · 09/10/2019 11:44

Oh god, in that case I think you need to value yourself enough to want a relationship with someone who respects you enough to pull their weight and not treat you like their PA. Do you not feel like it's stifling you?

You are not 15 anymore. You will be a totally different person with different needs and strengths and confidence.

He was the right person for you, and you've shared a lot together. Realising it's no longer right for you, but that moving on is right for you doesn't take any of that away.

It would be more hurtful to stay with someone because you're afraid to move on. That's not fair on either of you. It's natural to feel that fear, especially about your first relationship, but sometimes we just have to be brave to get to where we need to be...

ThreeLittleDots · 09/10/2019 11:44

If it doesn't feel like an equal partnership then this could explain your niggling doubts. It's not normal to carry all the mental load in a relationship, and it's certainly abnormal to do his CV for him, unless he has additional needs and you're his carer?

Forget what your family think about him, forget how long you've been together - this is obligation and guilt.

Sound like you're just not very attracted to him and he's gotten very complacent.

peachgreen · 09/10/2019 11:48

If you're unsure, move on. Life is too short.

Having said that, expecting to climax at the same time as your partner through PIV is unrealistic for a lot of women - I wouldn't make that a dealbreaker, providing he's ensuring that you're satisfied either before or after.

Ponoka7 · 09/10/2019 12:03

Having to Mother someone isn't sexy.

It's not him being more manly, just being a proper adult.

You can outgrow a partner.

Batcrazy101 · 09/10/2019 12:12

Seems like its lost a bit of spark. Personally i think you need to talk to him about how you are feeling. This might be difficult and i'd recommend leaving out the "more manly" part but really if you cant talk to him about how you are currently feeling about your relationship and how you feel that speaks volumes.

I was 16 when I met my now husband and I know what you are feeling. You need to have a conversation about expectations and ideas to shake things up a bit.

good luck

BarbedBloom · 09/10/2019 12:17

I think this may be a combination of out growing him and grass is greener syndrome. Sex wise I never finish with my husband, he helps out before or after and it is the same with all of my friends. Some women can climax via PIV but it does seem less common and even then, it may not be at the same time as their partner.

The mental load thing is a different matter and you should just leave that stuff for him to sort. Just say, not doing it anymore and he deals with the consequences.
.
The be more manly thing I don't get at all. The last 'manly' guy I dated thought housework was women's work and would never talk about his emotions as that was 'girly.' No thanks

Venger · 09/10/2019 12:33

I wonder if by "more manly" the OP means more mature?

Yummymummy2020 · 09/10/2019 12:47

I am with my fiancé from a young age like yourself(18 years together from 14 years old) and actually I went through a similar thing as what you are describing. I actually took a step back from helping so much and that sorted that. It’s an easy rut to fall into and I’m actually glad things worked out because I’m very happy with him and have no regrets staying together and settling down. When you have been with someone from such a young age and are still of a young enough age I think it’s pretty natural to have doubts. Talk to him about how your feeling and work on things together. It could be that things won’t work out, but at the same time maybe it’s all you need to do and things might be great again! He really does need to be more independent with his finances though for both your sakes because you shouldn’t need to baby him, but maybe if you don’t do it he will just have to learn himself and then you won’t feel you are having to baby him!

Totsbots14 · 09/10/2019 19:07

It could just be that things have become routine and boring it sounds like you still love him and when you've been together for a while it can happen. Maybe you could make changes do things differently make time for yourselves . If your sex life a bit boring try and show him what you like and try something new if he thinks your enjoying it why would he change . Sometimes you need to put some effort in to your relationship I'm sure that's why it used to be called 7 year itch

Vulpine · 09/10/2019 19:35

Jeez you're young. Go and live life

Alisonm23 · 09/10/2019 20:47

Why don't you tell him to start pulling his weight ! If he doesn't manage his savings, booking holiday etc you don't do it either!

He is probably just used to you doing it and doesn't realise that you want help with those things. Have you ever asked him to manage his own cv or bills etc?

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