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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a holiday

15 replies

Passthewipes · 09/10/2019 09:56

NC...am I being unreasonable to want a family holiday if it potentially means my DH can't afford a holiday with SD?
Bit of background, after several ok years, big bust up with DH ex resulted in no access for a brief period, and now for nearly 2 and a half years he has been seeing SD at weekends at PIL house as she didnt want to see me. (Since transpired she doesn't mind seeing me but DH ex won't allow over her dead body as apparently I'm horrible to SD??) We are getting on with things as they are, his ex is very unreasonable, bitter, and nasty, haven't been to court as expensive, and she is not the sort of person to obide by a court order anyway. He still gets to see SD so we leave it at that.
Anyway fast forward to now, we have been discussing family holiday, should have gone this year but didn't happen, so trying to book for next year, however DD started school September, so now restricted to school holidays making it more expensive. DH looking at going cheap as possible, places that won't even be particularly warm at the time, inland, no beach etc....we only need to spend a few hundred more for a much nicer holiday, but he refuses to, as he says he has to be fair and won't go away with us unless he can afford to take SD on holiday too (all be it in this county not abroad, as he has done for the last 4 years). SD has 3 foreign holidays a year with her mum as well as UK breaks .... She won't miss out, and I understand he wants to take her away, but why can't we have a nice family holiday? We've not had a holiday in years. Last year I took DD away and he took SD away, which I found hurtful as he misses out on DD a lot at weekends already. I know it's not nice for any parent being away from a child but SD knows no different, they split when she was a baby, and she is quite privileged at home.
I am annoyed he says we can't go away unless he can take SD on holiday too, but last year he didn't mind me taking DD out of my own pocket while he took SD, and this year he has again been away with SD and we have been nowhere and that's ok? I am putting money towards this holiday too btw, and said I'd work extra hours to pay more, but he doesn't want me to work any extra. I feel stuck!

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 09/10/2019 10:02

The real issue is SD not being an integrated part of your Family.

How old is SD now? It can't go on.

Original poster

Passthewipes · 09/10/2019 10:22

She is 10. I can't see any resolve until she is old enough to do her own thing. We tried many times, but all the mother does is refuse access and put DH down and upset SD. We have tried family counseling, SD mum chose counsellor and we paid, but when it came to joint meeting and councillor said SD anger and behaviour is coming from her mum, she accused councillor of being bias and on 'our side' then tried to punch me and stormed out!
She would always use me for child care and say she couldn't cope with her her son as well (her son is not my husband's, different partner) but I has my DD so no different, and just got on with it, and helped when I could so DH could see her more and SD could see DD, but them I'd get constantly accused of trying to 'mother' SD. Whatever I did was not good enough for her mum, and she would constantly pick fights and make things up trying to get my DH to turn against me

OP posts:

Ponoka7 · 09/10/2019 10:30

Is it now still at the point where the ex could influence SD enough for contact to be stopped?

Your DH needs to work on sorting this whole mess out. Or you're going to be in a position were family holidays will never happen.

If you all have a holiday and she can't come, that ball needs to be put in the Mother's court. I know it's important to protect children but you're enabling the Mother to be emotionally abusive.

QforCucumber · 09/10/2019 10:37

Can't you take SD with you on holiday? the 4 of you? Your DH really needs to get an official arrangement in place for visits

Original poster

Passthewipes · 09/10/2019 10:41

There is no resolution! I know the situation is the problem, but even if it was to be sorted, it won't happen over the next 6-12 months, it's been like this for years, and I want a holiday! With situation as it is, am I being unreasonable to want a holiday!??
TBH even if SD was allowed back to stay with us tomorrow....I would be too nervous, she has been poisoned by her mother, and plays one off against the other, like a lot of kids do. Even if she doesn't make things up, the mum will, and SD will be easily bribed by mum to say what mum wants to hear, and it will start all over again! I do not want to go back to that! No court order or solicitor in the land can make this woman be reasonable and stop her hatred. I have my own kids to think of, and while things are ok, I don't want to rock the boat. The emotional impact on all children involved is too much to bare if she starts kicking off again. It causes us no end of stress, which effects our relationship and children, and of course SD. DH should never have accepted the situation like this and put his foot down in the first place, but he didn't because of the constant threat of never being allowed to see SD, and I can't change the past

OP posts:

Original poster

Passthewipes · 09/10/2019 10:42

QforCucumber.... no we couldn't take SD, apart from extra cost, she is not allowed by her mother to see me or DD.

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Original poster

Passthewipes · 09/10/2019 10:47

I'm worried for getting official arrangement in place, we have wanted too much money on mediation to which she has never turned up, and yes we could go to court but she has said a thousand times if we go to court she will stop access (this could take months to go through court) not fair on SD or DH to not see eachother. Honestly do not underestimate how shockingly unbelievably unreasonable and horrid this woman can be! Besides the fact she likes her freedom too much, she has threatened no access a thousand times but only twice has she not allowed it, as her other DC goes to his father the same time, and she wants her freedom, so I'm pretty sure despite what he says, she will always allow DH access as he has now and has done for nearly 10 years

OP posts:

Countrylifeornot · 09/10/2019 10:51

I don't think it's fair that your family holiday is at the expense of DH having a holiday with SD, regardless of what else is going on.
He clearly feels an equal sense of obligation to both of his children, which is a good thing.
Can you, as a family, not maximise incoming and minimise outgoings in order to finance both holidays?

stucknoue · 09/10/2019 10:54

I would suggest going to court. It's a ridiculous situation that needs resolving.

But on the holiday front if your dd is 4/5 I would suggest Normandy ... ferry to Caen/le havre and book a place in a holiday village, Pierre vacances were good. The beaches are amazing and there's loads of museums (mine were 6&8 and loved the Canadian one best).

Original poster

Passthewipes · 09/10/2019 12:01

Thank you stucknoue I will look into Normandy.
Yes the situation is ridiculous, but like I say it won't be reached quickly if it is ever is resolved, and in the meantime I would like to my children on holiday. I'm sure DH will more than likely afford a holiday with SD next year, but he wants to have the money now knowing he is definitely taking DS away or won't book a holiday with us. It's driving me mad! I have been saving up already, but the sooner we book the more time we have to pay for it, and then the more likely he can put future money toward DS holiday

OP posts:

Bouffalant · 09/10/2019 12:18

So... SD gets 4 holidays, and you get none?

Original poster

Passthewipes · 09/10/2019 12:29

Exactly Bouffalant
How is it fair he took SD last year and this year but not DD? However next year he can't take DD without DS???? Which he may be able to come the time. She has so many holidays with her mum there isn't much time left for him to take her anywhere anyway and it always has to be on his weekend as the ex is not flexible at all.

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Bouffalant · 09/10/2019 12:38

And what does he say when you ask him why DSD gets 4 holidays and you and DS get none?

Bouffalant · 09/10/2019 12:39

He may be tiptoeing around DSD because he doesn't want her to feel left out, but what about you and your DD feeling left out?

Are you not important?

Original poster

Passthewipes · 09/10/2019 12:46

This is exactly how I feel!
I say it's not fair on our DD, and he just argues back it's not fair on SD! We are going round in circles.
I say we just book something and go, he has no need to tell SD, as would seem mean to tell her when she can't come, but if she did find out then put the blame back onto her mum. It's not my fault, not Dad's fault and not DH fault, or SD fault that her mother is unreasonable, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her, and why should DD not have a holiday because DH would feel guilty?

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