To wonder: Teachers - do parents usually back you up if their child misbehaves?

[Ibiza2015]

My DH went to parents evening yesterday and was told my primary DS had been arguing with his teachers. We had a word with DS last night and told him he can’t do that, it’s disrespectful to his teacher and disrupts the class. We told him if it happened again there would be consequences at home like losing screen time.

This morning I had a quick word with his teacher, asking her to tell us straight away if it happened again and what our plan was with consequences etc.

The thing is though, when I walked up to the teacher she looked really worried and I think she thought I was going to complain at her for telling off DS. Is that normal these days? Do parents not back up teachers? When I was at school my parents taught me that teachers were literally God while I was in the classroom and I should never argue with them (even if they were wrong). Has that changed? Interested in teachers opinions.

I'd be the same as you, but I have a friend who goes in to complain EVERY time her child is in trouble. Every single time. He's in trouble a lot and she challenges everything the teachers do.

I once reported my own DD to school for bullying a girl in her year .........so yes, it's fair to say if there are any issues I back teachers fully !

I would say it's 50:50 I've been teaching 15 years and there is a definite shift towards parents not backing up teachers.

We, in general, get very little back up from parents. In fact the one that dragged me over the table at parents evening was convinced that I should physically give him a pen each lesson because they are not responsible for his education.

You would be every, very shocked at home some parents are. Thankfully, some are amazing!

I am retired from teaching now but I found it was fairly rare for parents to offer their support to me in disciplining their child. When parents did, it always made my job easier.

How some parents are .....

It would depend on the teacher and the situation surely.

Ex-secondary school teacher here. I found that most parents I spoke to about ongoing behaviour issues were either equivocal (“maybe it’s a clash of personalities) or aggressively backed their children up (“You pick on my child”). But the thing is, by secondary those group of parents are rather set in their ways and are a self-selecting group. I rarely had to talk to the parents who clearly and firmly backed the teacher when their children were in primary, other than to say how delightful their children were to teach.

It varies. Some parents absolutely do, others absolutely don't and blame the teacher for everything.

Same goes for progress - I remember one parents evening where my head of department had to rescue me from a parent who was demanding I work miracles to ensure her child got the A they wanted in my subject. Said child had failed the level below but refused to resit because they wanted to do the Higher be in the same class as their mates to have a carry on, and had missed 4 separate full weeks of term due to parents taking them on holiday, plus various other absences and truancy. Child had also failed to submit homework on pretty much every occasion it was set. But of course this was all my fault

Sorry - that turned into a rant, but whilst it was one of my worst experiences with a parent sadly it's not been an isolated incident - despite my classes consistently getting results above national averages.

Yes, I will absolutely support teachers as long as it makes sense. I appreciate classroom management has it challenges and understand class detentions however unfair they can seem.
I don’t give additional punishment though. We talk it through and make sure they understand what happened and why, other than that it’s done and dusted. (Assuming no repeats.)

I'm with you teachers who are blamed for every shortfall of every bad or underachieving child.

My parents were both teachers and I worked in teaching myself.

I now have two children of my own.

I fully support their teachers even when one of mine has repeatedly behaved in ways she shouldn't have.

I would change my tune if I could see any untoward treatment against either of them but as far as I see, things are as they should be: my kids work hard they're praised my kids misbehaved they're treated accordingly.

Most teachers are really fair and I would definitely support them. We did have one teacher who was a total bitch though and I did challenge her once when she wasn't fair. I didn't like doing it but what she did was so wrong that it was distressing my child. I have seen really lovely teachers being moaned at by parents who have children who are always naughty and I always really feel for the teachers. Parents that defend their children no matter what must be so hard to deal with.

When I was at school my parents taught me that teachers were literally God while I was in the classroom and I should never argue with them (even if they were wrong).

That's quite dangerous though. It's that attitude that lets people in positions of power do bad things. I always teach my kids to respect their teachers but I also tell them that teachers are not perfect and make mistakes. My kids know to talk to me if there's an issue and if necessary I will talk to the teacher.

I’m a teacher but I purposely chose to teach FE to avoid bullshit like this. My cousins teach primary school and I have heard the horror stories of parents complaining at them for actually daring to tell their precious little children to stop being so bloody insolent. Yes, it does happen quite often. They said it’s usually the same parents who don’t bother with homework, parents evenings and whose children still struggle to read by key stage 2.

My Grandma taught in a primary school for over thirty years and never experienced it, she says it’s a different world now and people don’t have the same level of respect they once did.

I think teachers tend to tell parents about every little misdemeanour these days, which can be massively tedious. I realise it's massively tedious for them when kids misbehave all the time, but parents can't control their kids' behaviour in school, and you really are delegating the discipline to teachers, they need to get on with it, and kids should learn the consequences of bad behaviour on school. As an example, I'm not sure I really needed to be called into school when ds threw a rubber across the room in the early years of junior school. I'd have thought a teacher could have dealt with it.

If things are more serious, it's different. Or when it could be serious. For example, I had a call from my son's head of year when he was about 12 to say that he had pre-ordered (and paid for) some food in the school canteen and then helped himself to something different instead of taking the original item. They'd had a few issues with kids just nicking food so she wanted me to talk to him about making sure he told canteen staff if he swapped. Fair enough.

When I was at school teachers hardly ever had contact with parents outside parents evenings. You had to be really naughty before they asked to talk to parents.

In my experience, parents nearly always back the teacher so the child can see everyone concerned is on the same page. When this happens, the sky is the limit for that child.

Where parents block every attempt to sort an issue and get adversarial, the child suffers and is confused, as all the work done in school is routinely undermined at home.

It's up to parents, really. School only has them six hours a day, five days a week, 40 weeks a year.

Of course there is the possibility of a bad teacher being unreasonable, but once you've talked to the leadership about it you should be able to work out who's in the right and it won't always be you or the teacher.

Saddest if all are the children whose parents fall out with school after school and they've attended three or four different schools by age 6 or 7 with no house moves.

The (teenage) child I could never help had a mother I called in to see me whose first words were, "I can't think what's wrong with Susan: she's always had everything she ever wanted!" I knew then that it was going to be tough to help 'Susan'.

Things not to say to your child's teacher:

• We don't believe in saying please and thank you so our child doesn't use those words.
• Our child has never heard the word no, so don't expect them to understand it.
• Our child doesn't know how use a knife and fork so you'll have to sit with them every lunchtime to cut their food up. Playing aeroplanes usually works well for us at home.

My old school it definitely happened, constantly. There were a lot of first born son's of a particular culture, and parents were shocked when we expected them to actually clean up after themselves or do anything for themselves.

My new school is in a very small community, and very much has the 'it takes a village' mentality, as everyone knows everyone, and if one of the kids does something wrong, someone is going to see it.

Primary school teacher for 20 years. I'd say probably about 20% of parents back us up.
The thing that bugs me most is that parents will come in to complain about stuff which is so ridiculous that it couldn't possibly be true. If they stopped to think for a minute they'd realise it must be nonsense, but they'll take the word of a 5 year old as absolute truth. I've had parents in before to complain about me bringing my dog into the class and sitting back as it bared its teeth at their child. I don't have a dog Turned out that the child made it up so he could get a nice dog from the rescue home.
We've had disgusting, bullying Facebook posts from parents, who then find their child is lying and delete but don't state they were wrong. According to the legal department, there's nothing we can do. No wonder so many are leaving the profession.

I support teachers when my children are in the wrong.

I support my children when teachers are in the wrong.

2 of my children have ASD and, frequently, teachers ARE in the wrong. I refuse to stand back and ‘support’ disability discrimination.

Yes I do. Also my mum was a teacher and then a Headteacher. DS1 once told me how boy X who sat next to him had been complaining that he couldn’t hear a word because DS1 and girl Y were talking so much every day. He said this a few times over a week or so. And I went to the teachers and said, ‘I have bollocked him, but I am not there in class. Please tell him to be quiet and behave himself.’ They looked so surprised. DS2’s teacher (he’s much younger and just in school) told me that sometimes he tends to wander around when he shouldn’t. I replied ‘ok will have a word with him about it and check back in a week to see if things improve.’ Again she looked ASTONISHED that I had taken the feedback and offered to do something about it. So I am assuming that this is quite rare!

DH is a secondary teacher. He keeps meticulous records on everything, so that he can back up what he is saying to parents with clear evidence. He does this because he has so many parents unwilling to believe their little darlings could have done something wrong.

As parents we have only ever been to school once to complain and that was when a teacher used her knowledge of a private/personal issue to humiliate one of my kids in front of the rest of the class. We have always supported their teachers otherwise.

I had an experience which really wobbled my faith sadly.

Two DSs went through school and happily I was never called in about their behaviour.
So when I got a call from school to say DS had been involved in bullying behaviour and was suspended I was really shocked. There was an incident before school involving a few children in his year .I was given it with both barrels by the school over the phone, it was really horrible. I was told to go in the next day to reintegrate him or something.
Somewhere in the conversation they told me it happened at 8.10am, and on the day in question I dropped DS in at 8.45am, he knew nothing about it.

This was years ago but it still rankles and we never received an apology.

Most parents are really reasonable. At the point at which I've had to call a parent then it's an issue or I've got some concerns and would like their support in preventing their child making poor choices (especially it it's a child who has struggled with behaviour previously, sometimes calling home early, letting them know I really like their child and would like to keep in touch good and bad, is quite useful).

Some, however, you have to contact about every tiny thing lest they complain thrir child did nothing wrong, their child only asked a question, their child didn't have to follow the rules, their child says the lessons are boring / too easy / too hard, their child say the teacher doesn't do their jb etc. Theyre the small minority in many schools, a sizable minority in others and the dominant culture in others.