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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU and grabby or not?

24 replies

GrabbyMcGrabface · 08/10/2019 20:46

Name change because this names great 👌🏻

My partner of 3 years is always awful at gifts, he either goes all out and forgets to pay his bills because he spent too much or he forgets completely.
I’m a very avid gift giver and have purchased gifts for his family on our behalf since we first got together. Always spoilt him on his birthdays and Christmas.

Anyway I’ve never really had many gifts from him but the few little ones I get I appreciate. Since DC was born last year I’ve not received anything, he even forgot to get me a present for my first ever Mother’s Day until the day of Mother’s Day where I got a pun card he purchased last minute and then had to go to his mums to hand over flowers and a card (he bought while picking mine up)

I was just out shopping there with him and I seen a little cheap thing I liked and he said oh let me buy you that now as I’ll probably forget to get you anything for Christmas.

I get gifts are nice but not essential so am unsure if it’s just going to look grabby. Maybe I’ll just “forget” his presents too and just get for DC 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

pumkinseason · 08/10/2019 20:51

Honestly I would set an adult gift budget and get gifts for him and for yourself up to that budget.
This matters to you and he is clearly stating he cannot be bothered.
Your other option is not to buy for him if you would prefer that.

Wonkybanana · 08/10/2019 20:55

I'd 'forget' his presents, or better still, I'd tell him I'm not doing presents any more and why. I'd also stop doing the gifts for his family. There's no way that should be your job.

ISmellBabies · 08/10/2019 20:56

How can you "forget" to get your partner a Christmas gift?! And he's planning in advance to forget it too! What an absolute ballsack. He just blatently can't be arsed. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that he isn't to "forget" Christmas presents, and I'd take it as a sign of him not loving me if he did.

Original poster

GrabbyMcGrabface · 08/10/2019 21:18

I’ve never minded getting for his family but it was a real kick in the teeth when he ignored my first Mother’s Day.

He’s just getting nothing, if he can’t remember with the 1000’s of decorations out there he’s just plain lazy.

OP posts:

Original poster

GrabbyMcGrabface · 08/10/2019 21:18

I’ll treat me with the budget I set aside for him

OP posts:

FriedasCarLoad · 08/10/2019 21:22

It’s a bit rubbish forgetting to get you gifts and relying on you to get gifts for his family...

But if he’s otherwise a loving and kind partner, work around it.

Maybe he could take you shopping for whatever you like before Christmas? And in return for you sorting all family presents, maybe he does extra housework?

DeathStare · 08/10/2019 21:34

Is this really going to get you what you want? You don't really want to not get him a present. You want him to get you one. I very much doubt you not getting one will make him realise the error of his ways.

Just tell him very clearly that him not getting you a present is not acceptable and that it is upsetting to you. If he still doesn't get you one then I think you need to think about what that's saying about how much he cares about you.

Cherrysoup · 08/10/2019 21:37

Stop bloody pandering to him by allowing this behaviour and stop getting him anything. Buy yourself something lovely with the money you would otherwise have spent on him and stop buying for his family, bloody wife work! 🤬

LEELULUMPKIN · 08/10/2019 21:46

DH and I have been together 27 years and not once have I bought his families gifts/cards.

Stop doing it OP and stop getting him anything either.

gingerbiscuits · 08/10/2019 21:54

What a dick! Stop letting him get away with it!

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 08/10/2019 21:58

I buy myself birthday and Christmas gifts with money from mine and DH’s joint account. He gets me a ‘little something’ (fancy chocolate) to show he cares but that’s it.

I always get exactly what I wanted though 😊 so it works out well and I’m disappointed.

DH buys his own gifts too!

Gift giving for adults who have ample disposable income is tedious and stressful!
I’d prefer just to buy for kids and leave it at that 😊

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 08/10/2019 21:59

I’m never disappointed

june2007 · 08/10/2019 22:01

TBH a lot of people don't bother with mothers day/mothering sunday as they see it as comercial explotation so that wouldn't bother me. How about saying instead of getting ech other pressies you say, let go out for a meal together, the cinema so your making time for each other. Then give a small token pressie.

Leeds2 · 08/10/2019 22:02

It wouldn't actually bother me, as I think a lot of presents are a waste of time and money. BUT I would've been upset if my ex had forgotten my first Mother's Day (he didn't, and DD was in SCBU at the time).

If I were you, I would stop buying for him, and stop buying for his family, with immediate effect. I would give him advance warning that I was doing so, at least with regards to his family.

raspberryk · 08/10/2019 22:41

My ex was like this, I divorced him.
I don't organise gifts for my dp, they're his family. He spends a fiver or so on his parents, I spend up to 50 on mine, we have different values and that is fine but he does always make an effort on mothers day/birthday from the kids (not his kids), but often just buys and labels from them and not him which I find odd. In your case I would stop buying him anything at all.

Stompythedinosaur · 08/10/2019 22:51

Can't you say "Actually, I'd rather you made the effort to get me something at xmas"?

Dp is not naturally good at gifts. He makes an effort (and I believe has found setting alarms to remind him a few weeks before to be helpful) because getting nothing makes me feel unloved, and I don't want the dc to see me get nothing.

Newmumatlast · 08/10/2019 22:58

I dont think it is much to ask to expect your partner to buy you a gift, even something small, for a special occasion. My husband does. If he didn't, I would speak to him about why he doesn't care enough to take the time to do so when I do. Granted I am the one who buys the family gifts from us but we each buy gifts for each other ourselves. We often speak about the budget for each other at xmas for example but not always. I would never buy my own gifts- I think that negates the point for one but I also dont think it's that hard to buy gifts for a partner oneself. I really dont understand why people are so accepting of such a set if circumstances and will buy their own. If once you've spoken to him he just doesn't want to do gifts, dont do them for him anymore at all. And only buy the family gifts if you enjoy doing that and want to - I wouldnt be putting myself out sorting it for people I wouldnt necessarily buy for or if i didnt enjoy it if he wasnt going to.

JenniferM1989 · 08/10/2019 23:02

Grabby to want your first ever mothers day acknowledged? You're crazy to think that's grabby OP. It's totally bloody normal and a very small thing to hope for.

Does he spend a lot of money on himself?

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/10/2019 23:03

Stop buying for his family. Stop buying stuff for him if he’s not going to bother consistently for you. It’s not remotely grabby to expect your partner to put some thought into showing they appreciate and care for you in a way which means something to you.

Original poster

GrabbyMcGrabface · 09/10/2019 00:17

He used to get me gifts but I think It’s cause it was early days and he felt the pressure reminding him to do it. All I asked for on Valentine’s Day was a card and he got me a candle instead, just zero card.

He’s useless with presents which is why I think he chooses not to buy them, he’s never done them for anyone and even got his family to pick the gifts he would buy his DC before I was around. I get he struggles with it but I really don’t want to pick out my own presents, I love the idea of little small nicnaks that remind him of me, a few treats I like and a bottle of my favourite perfume. Nothing massive or out of the box. I’ve tried speaking to him but he just does the woe is me I’m useless, a bad boyfriend and gets frustrated.

Giving up, I either accept the character flaw or leave, don’t think I’d go over presents though.

OP posts:

Wonkybanana · 09/10/2019 03:46

He’s useless with presents which is why I think he chooses not to buy them

I’ve tried speaking to him but he just does the woe is me I’m useless, a bad boyfriend and gets frustrated.

Why am I not the tiniest bit surprised?? He could if he wanted to, but that would mean he had to make an effort. So much easier for him to play hopeless and helpless, and expect other people to do it for him.

No more presents for him or his family. Let him know what it's like to feel that you're not valued enough for others to put in some thought and time. And if his family ask what's going on when they don't get anything, leave him to explain.

DeathStare · 09/10/2019 04:22

Of course he does. This is a version of "oh I'm just so bad at the washing up, that it makes me feel like a terrible person" or "forgetting" the dinner he put in the oven, to the point where it is burned and inedible.

This is a way of him avoiding doing the work. Stop doing it for him. The only way he is going to get better at present-buying is when he does more of it.

Monty27 · 09/10/2019 04:33

Most people enjoy treating giving gifts to their loved ones. Even on an ordinary day OP. Bunch of flowers, favourite restaurant or a new shirt. And as for forgetting, well that's a very weak excuse for I know not what.
I can't imagine how you could deal with it I really can't. Thoughtless inconsiderate selfish arse behaviour

Teacher22 · 09/10/2019 04:50

This behaviour is not accidental, OP, if your other half buys his own mother a card for Mother’s Day and not the mother of his new child.

Don’t buy him presents or buy any for his family either. See how that goes and if he doesn’t care then, in future, buy your own presents. It is miserable, but better than the ungrateful and humiliating situation you have described.

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