Nc family member bad mouthing me

[starshade]

Just after some advice.

I have been no contact with a family member for five years.

This will not change as they have done many unforgivable things.

This family member has been bad mouthing me to others and I feel it's really uncalled for.

I've said nothing about them in the five years and do not plan on doing so but I feel so annoyed that they are painting me out to be such a bad person and part of me feels like I need to justify who I am and the decisions I've made yet the other part wants to just not react.

What would you do? If anything?

Nothing. Who cares what this person says? If people are stupid enough to believe them, then more fool them.

Don't fuel their fire. That's what they're hoping for.

I'd advise ignoring it. They are obviously trying to push your buttons to pull you back in and show you who's boss. If people are silly enough to believe a story they've heard only one side of, that's their problem.

You all all correct in saying to ignore it.

I was caught off guard today and wanted to respond and justify myself but I didn't which is good but I feel so angry.

I'm trying to go by the saying "what others think about you is none of your business" !

When Others tell yu what has been said just say "Crikey! I haven't seen XX for 5 years now! How are they?"

That'll puzzle them.

Who has been passing this info on?

If it's someone you can cut out easily just do that.

If not, tell them you do not wish to hear anything about NC Family Member and if they repeat the offence, cut them out too - they clearly don't care about you.

I'd ignore it, even though it goes against everything I'd want to do.

They want a reaction, don't give in

I have a family member like this who still likes to shit stir even when no contact at all for 4 years now. Just ignore.

It's comforting to know others have dealt with the same situation.

I made a decision to end contact due to it being so toxic so I guess I knew that they would continue to try and cause difficulties.

I know I made the right decision then and my own family and friends know the reasons and are supportive so that's what I need to focus on.

Many thanks for all the support.

You can't argue with stupid!

Don’t let it affect you, they’re not significant to your life so ignore.

Who told you and what did they make of it? I often find that when people badmouth someone, to the listener it reflects worse on them than the person they’re bad mouthing. And if you don’t do badmouthing in return, it’s very possible that is the case here. But if that person told you to hurt you or imply it was true, you shouldn’t tolerate that.

For me, it would depend on who the person was that was giving you the information that this person is saying about you. I would also wonder what their motive to give you that information and what they might hope to gain from stirring it up. What would you stand to lose if this person's is believed? What would they gain from splitting you from that person? Is the informing person someone you would 100% trust or do they have a history of lying or stirring things.
I am in a situation along similar lines. I know someone is stirring things but I also see the people who believe this person to be a bit stupid. The person in my case has an axe to grind but wont do it in person and is using certain people to cause damage. I would not listen to anything that person says. There is a history of telling lies particularly to get control. There is no way I am even discussing this with any of the parties.
Think it all through very carefully, think what the truth is likely to be

The person that relayed the information to me dislikes me and was trying to provoke a reaction.

I know that by saying nothing in retaliation it would have spoken louder than if I'd started bad mouthing the no contact family member.

I'm a lot calmer now and able to reflect, earlier I just wanted to scream and state how toxic the person was and I'm glad I did not do that.

The person who relayed the information is of no significance to me nor do I plan on seeing them anytime soon.

It's just so frustrating feeling judged when you've done nothing but kept quiet all this time.

A person who wanted to wind you up said another person was talking shit about you.

As a fellow member of the toxic family club I suggest you find your sense of humour. I mean this in a nice way. It's actually hilarious when some adult carries on like a mean kid in the playground trying to get a rise out of you. When you can detach enough to find it funny even as it is happening, then you are truly free.

It is so childishly stupid it is funny. Try that perspective on for size. You might like it.

The only thing is lies cause so much damage, one family member hardly had anything to do with me or my family for about 10 years because of someone’s toxic, narcissistic tendencies and then then they eventually saw them for who they were and now see me for who I am but 10 years have been wasted and my children’s childhood has not had the closeness of family members that they should have.

I think you should go NC with that person too! Seriously, don’t let them upset you, that gives them what they want. Carry on gracefully and serenely above their petty nastiness because that sort of behaviour is beneath you.

As they say silence is golden . I know you are tempted to react but honestly it will drive them potty that you say and do nothing.
I've also had the same with a family member, it broke my heart but I kept a dignified silence.

@starshade It would be a great pity if you and a family (the NC one) have been split up because of a person you say does not like you and presumably does not like the NC person either.
This could all have been caused by the stirring person.
Nobody is perfect. Not you, not the NC person and the Stirer sounds like a right piece of sh---.

That ain't good but you can't fix a mean person. I have complained about in laws to DH in past but it really drives a wedge further. Ignore it but maybe say something along lines of i always like to form my own opinions blah blah. I know how you're feeling it's very unfair being the subject of character assassination.

Dignified silence is the only way, shit stirrers will revel in your pain.

The person that relayed the information to me dislikes me and was trying to provoke a reaction
You can't trust a thing this person says.