To find Year 7 so very hard!

[Souki]

Argh! DD has started year 7 and was very happy with her school choice. She was the only one from her school to go and was actually looking forward to making new friends etc.

She had an up and down experience in primary school - the girls in her class were hard work pains in the arse and we had to do a lot of helping her with difficult situations (and by helping I mean talking through strategies, seeing other points of view, and occasionally contacting teachers when required). So we talked a lot about secondary school being a new start.

So roll on September and she has generally settled ok. We had nerves and tears for the first few weeks drop off but she was making friends and finding her way, coping with the work. I reminded her to make friends with all the girls and gave her conversation openers etc etc. I told her everyone was feeling the same and nervous. For information, this school has a junior school on site so 50% of the girls come from there, 50% are new. Overall the 'old' girls have been very welcoming.

Anyway she clicked with one particular girl and they became quite friendly but included others until last week. This girl has now become friendly with another person and has dropped DD. She took it in her stride and says she's ok. She says she is hanging around with others at lunch etc. Today, it transpires, she had break and lunch on her own. She was very matter of fact but my heart is breaking!

She has joined two lunchtime clubs so far. She is a nice girl if I say so myself - she's extremely kind and thoughtful.

How long does this take?? To get settled and find your crowd? Will all of Year 7 be like this. I'm stressing but trying not to show it. This is very hard. Help!

I found Year 7 to be a time where friendships drifted in and out, they are working out where they fit and who their people are. It took until Year 9 for friendships to become really solid with DS (sorry that's probably not what you want to hear!) For quite some time I would hear new names, but he was always OK in himself and it sounds as if your DD is too. As long as she's OK then try not to interfere or put your own worries onto the situation, I know it's difficult but I bet she'll get there.

As a secondary teacher I can say that usually by Christmas things have settled down. At the moment friendships will be quite fluid as they are still getting to know each other. I'd recommend she speaks to her form tutor - I've been a y7 form tutor twice and spending break / lunch time alone is always something I like to know about. I may be able to suggest different clubs / places that they might like to go to (e.g. the library does an informal board games clubs on rainy day lunch times and sixth formers frequently hold charity events that others can go and watch or participate in), add in a few more ice-breakers/group activities during tutor time as well as shuffle the seating plan to see if I can pair or group up like-minded pupils. If she doesn't want to speak to her tutor then maybe an email from you could also do the trick.

Oh my goodness OP I feel for you. It’s just dreadful when you have to watch your children do these things, my heart will also break. Take heart from the fact that she seems resilient, I can see a lot of other children crying their eyes out.l and the fact that your daughter has taken it on her stride is really positive.

I equally wouldn’t overthink it and wouldn’t overthink in front of your daughter (you don’t want to pass on your anxiety). The fact that she has started a school where she doesn’t know anyone and also joined two clubs is brilliant.

Thanks yes - I did think about emailing the form tutor but to a certain extent don't want to interfere too much. I think, from just having a chat now with her as she came rummaging for snacks in the kitchen, that today was the first day she was on her own. She said she feels 'bummed' that this new friend dropped her but says she does have other friends so she is not worrying too much. I guess I will keep an eye on how things go for the rest of the week??

Your dd sounds very similar to mine! She's year 5 so not quite there yet but I imagine it will be the same for her, so no advice just sympathy.

Try to chill OP, it’s still very early days. My friendship group didn’t settle until the summer term of year 7. It takes time to get to know everyone and work out who you have the most in common with.

Joining clubs and remaining open minded and resilient are definitely a good strategy. Sounds like your DD is coping well and will find her feet eventually. Please don’t pass your anxiety on to her - it will do her no favours at all. She sounds like a lovely girl and she will eventually find her “tribe”.

Yes do. But wait for her to give you info or see what she says. Don’t pounce on her and ask her who she sat with, you might increase her anxiety or she might start not telling you the truth etc.

I really do think you have describe a resilient girl who will make friends!

In the nicest possible way op you need to calm down and stay out of this. There's virtually nothing you can do about her secondary school friendships and making a big deal of her current situation will just upset her. Be supportive by all means but don't be so involved.

@MuchBetterNow I am staying out of it! It just came up as we chatted about her day.

I most definitely will make sure I'm not asking who she's sitting with two seconds after she gets home. But she is good at telling me about her day and very open with what is going on with her, which is a good thing as you can only hope your kids are happy to talk to you as they get older. But it is hard being upbeat and nonchalant all the time - hence the venting here.

I know it’s difficult to hear. They’re growing up, but she’s still your baby!

However, she sounds like she’s coping just fine with it, so I’d really just let her get on with it. Try not to Interrogate - takes a lot of self control!

Y9 has just started at a new school, she didn’t know a soul, the others are mostly from 2 feeder schools (plus it’s HUGE & very formal) so I was a bit worried too, she doesn’t seem to have a ‘main friend ’ yet, which is her normal MO, but she’s talking about lots of people & says she’s happy there, so🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m sure your DD will find another friend/group of friends & it’ll all be fine.

Sorry but considering emailing her tutor isn't "staying out of it". What would you achieve from either that or as you say "keeping an eye on it"?

You can't control who does or doesn't speak to her if there's no bullying or harassment going on and neither can the school .

I'm not trying to give you a hard time but you're over invested and other than being a safe place for your dd to talk to, there's nothing you can do.

I hope she settles well because your anxiety will impact on her.

Honestly OP, at this age they're very fickle with friendships. When my DD started in year 7 she stuck with her primary friends initially. Then gradually she started making other friends and they were her 'new best friends' but then year 8/9 comes and that's when I think they start to form more 'concrete friends'. My DD is now year 11 and 15 but she has had her little group for 2/3 years now. They are very loyal and firm friends. Occasionally we get a little blip but nothing major. The difference in year groups is huge and I know it's hard but try not to get too involved. Listen, be supportive etc but keep in the back of your mind and take it with a pinch of salt knowing that your DD will find her way/her group but it might not be yet.
It's so hard, especially if they come from a little primary then wham! big secondary - it's a massive step but she'll be okay x

Please do consider contacting the form tutor. It's what we're there for!

I'd hang fire on the form tutor for now, mainly because there's nothing from your posts that are unusual.

The start of year 7 is fairly transient, they mix and get on, try out close friendships, try new clubs, move around different groups etc. They don't tend to form friendship groups as such in the same way as primary.

If your DD was reporting independently being on her own lots then I'd contact the tutor, and we would keep an ear out, but the way lunchtimes are I couldn't tell you who does what in my form on any given day. I could ask staff to keep an eye in classes but the friendship groups tend to form out if class

She sounds like she's resilient and having a fairly standard start to year 7 to be honest.

Ok so thanks for the advice. I will make sure she chats when she needs to and will see how things pan out. Probably worrying over nothing - I know others have a much harder time in school.

My best man at my wedding was someone I fought with throughout year 7. Definitely took more than a year for my secondary school friendships to properly form :-)

It's an emotional rollercoaster as a parent but usually you're the only one on the ride! I remember talking, listening, giving advice, emphasising, sleepless nights, worrying and then they come home saying "It's okay now , we're best friends again " 🙄