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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To struggle to cope with not having a third.

46 replies

happymondayagain · 08/10/2019 08:21

My husband doesn’t want to have another child and I do. His reasons are extremely and almost unbearably practical - and undeniably a third child costs more than stopping at two, and although obviously for many this isn’t the only factor by any means, for him it is. We could afford it but we will (like anyone) be more comfortable with fewer children. That being the dominant factor to consider is mostly due to his personality. He is, as a person, quite averse to compromise. He can’t help that. He lives in a calculated manner and has calculated that this is not what should happen next. I don’t particularly want to discuss the reasons since he has made his mind up and has been quite clear it isn’t up for any further discussion.
What I would like to discuss and ask for advice on is the fact that I am struggling to accept this decision and it has left me feeling extremely sad on a daily basis, and utterly resentful of him. He accuses me of not loving the two we have - he has no reason to say this other than that I would like another. I think he is saying it because he knows it hurts me, and to try to get me to change my mind (or at least stop talking about it), rather than because he actually believes that I don’t love them. My perception that he has been emotionally almost illiterate about this is not helping me to feel that this is a mutual decision. He considers me somewhat pathetic, I think. He doesn’t wish to know that I’m upset about it because he finds expressions of emotion difficult to manage and even to tolerate. He is in general a wonderful father and husband and I would like our marriage to survive this with more ease than seems likely at present. But at the moment I resent him hugely - just as he would do me, I imagine, if we agreed to have a third.
I’m sure this isn’t an unusual situation. So how can I overcome the way I feel?

OP posts:
GinDaddy · 08/10/2019 08:45

You've explained his reasons for not wanting to have a third child.

What are your reasons for wanting to have a third?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/10/2019 08:50

I’ll probably be flamed for this,but.
You’ve had 2 though, op. Some people don’t even get the chance to have one.
Sometimes you do need to count your lucky stars.

53rdWay · 08/10/2019 08:57

I don’t think this is something you can fix on your side. Regardless of what the disagreement is about, it’s just mean of him to say you don’t love your children.

Would you be open to relationship counselling? It sounds like his communication and dealing with other people’s emotions skills need a lot of work. I think it would be easier for you to accept not having a third child if your husband was being less of a dick to you about it.

prettygreenteacup · 08/10/2019 08:58

"He is adverse to compromise". Another child is not just a compromise though is it? Hmm It's a lifetime of commitment, sacrifice, energy and finance. And he is perfectly reasonable to say no to another and that's that.

If you truly cannot get over it you need to honestly question the future of your marriage. I firmly believe nobody should ever be backed into a corner to have a baby they don't want. It's unfair on them and the child. Perhaps counselling is the way forward for you at this point?

We are done at 2 kids, my husband has had a vasectomy but if he hadn't and wanted a third id have told him to get lost. It really is a deal breaker and you need to be honest about how big of a deal it is for you.

bridgetreilly · 08/10/2019 09:05

He needs to stop saying you don't love your children.

And for you, I honestly think that you need to focus on your existing children too. Try not to think about babies or a third child at all, but focus on enjoying what you have and building your existing family.

sheshootssheimplores · 08/10/2019 09:08

OP I do understand as I too really really wanted a third. Alas I couldn’t manage it due to age and I think that will always stay with me.

As it is I am infinitely grateful to have managed to have two and I know as time passes I will be glad to have only had two. The environment can’t support everyone having unlimited numbers of children plus financially everything jumps once you have more than two.

bluebell34567 · 08/10/2019 09:10

unfortunately you seem to be at a cross point where you have to choose to have another child or your marriage.
going to couples counseling may help.

MatildaTheCat · 08/10/2019 09:10

Eventually it gets better. It just does.

Unfortunately in any reasoned argument your DH will win because your feelings are just that and his arguments are based on logic. For example, what if you then become desperate for number 4?

Many of us have been in your shoes and as I say, it gets better and eventually it’s ok.

NearlyGranny · 08/10/2019 09:11

The longing for a third is just as powerful as the longing for a first.

And the trouble with the marriage kingdom of two is that one vote cancels another, effectively handing each of you a veto.

I think you need to give this your best shot, as you will probably always resent him and regret the longed-for child.

Marshall your material, including how your love for your two existing children is a huge driver in wanting a third. If he loves you, he will listen, though you may not get him to change his mind.

Our third was unintended and it did feel greedy and like pushing our luck, too, after two healthy babies. We were very quickly unable to imagine life without #3, though it does push you into a different zone with cars and housing and just being outnumbered!

I hope you can resolve this in a way that leaves you both feeling listened to and valued. It's hard.

Original poster
happymondayagain · 08/10/2019 09:14

Thanks every one. Although I’m happy to talk about my reasons, which are to do with the benefits of siblings for my children and the love I’ve enjoyed seeing grow between our current two, I don’t know how relevant they are because my husband doesn’t really care and dismisses them as silly emotional or hormonal factors that make me crave another pregnancy. I absolutely hated being pregnant so I am fairly sure it’s not that I want! It was more than worth it though, for me, and for him so far.

I understand and agree that no one should be forced to do something they don’t want to do. My question is how do I accept this and move on. I appreciate there are others with worse problems who can’t even have one child but to be honest I’m not sure how helpful that is. Most of the “problems” posted on MN pale into insignificance compared to the problems faced by people living in other parts of the world who would love to have to worry about whether to have a nanny or a nursery or which delicious nutritious meal ready in less than 30 minutes to eat tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
happymondayagain · 08/10/2019 09:16

@NearlyGranny Thank you. That’s extremely helpful. You are right. I don’t feel listened to or valued, and if I did, I’d find it much easier to accept that he wanted to use his “veto”.

OP posts:
StepawayfromtheBiscuittin · 08/10/2019 09:22

Not sure I have any advice on how you can accept it OP other than counseling and asking your husband to 'hear you out' again.
He sounds very similar to my DH who also would have been happy with 2. I felt strongly that I wanted a 3rd child. We had a very difficult six months where we both had totally opposing views. We do have a third now. I can't imagine life without him, he has brought huge colour to our family, a cheeky chap to our girls.

The practical arguments my husband made against have all proven to be entirely accurate - new car, work needed to the house, career impact - but irrelevant in what has been an emotional decision and a richer family dynamic.

I wish you good luck in finding peace with this situation.

CormacMcLaggen · 08/10/2019 09:24

You’ve had 2 though, op. Some people don’t even get the chance to have one.
Sometimes you do need to count your lucky stars

This, x1000.

justheretostalk · 08/10/2019 09:25

Although I’m happy to talk about my reasons, which are to do with the benefits of siblings for my children and the love I’ve enjoyed seeing grow between our current two

That’s a weird reason to want another child. There’s no guarantee another would get along with its siblings, or you could have a severely disabled child etc. There are no guarantees.

FWIW, I’m not close at all to my siblings. They are close to each other, and I have always been the “third wheel”. Constantly left out, and still am as an adult. It’s absolutely soul destroying.

Orchidfeed · 08/10/2019 09:25

But your children already have a sibling and they get on well which is not always the case. Also as they get older and you can do more things do you really want to prolong the nappy years?

It’s not just whether we can financially afford another child - our children put so much more pressure on global resources - starting from water and food - than children in the global south that the world can’t afford them

Teacher22 · 08/10/2019 09:36

You could ruin your currently good family dynamic and your husband might leave. Having someone else dictate that you have a lifelong finanacial and emotional commitment that you do not want is horrendous.

A philosopher once pointed out that not all bargains are equal. The pain of the animal being killed and eaten is far more extreme than the pleasure of the animal which kills and eats it. In this case the extreme burden being placed on a person who does not want another child far outweighs the soi-disant 'pleasure' of the parent who does.Your marriage might well not survive it.

PavlovaFaith · 08/10/2019 09:42

So you resent him now but if you had another he might resent you.

It seems to be a matter of you wanting to get your way. You're married to a man who wants 2 children and no more. Are you just going to keep going on about it until he gives in? Great.

beautifulmelody · 08/10/2019 09:43

Do you work?

Sjl479 · 08/10/2019 09:48

I have three. Take it from me there’s a lot to be said to stopping at two. I really struggle to get one-to-one time with each child and feel guilty about this. My eldest has just started school and I don’t have time to support her with reading etc like I’d like to. Days out and holidays are so much more expensive as a family of 5. I don’t regret having a third but life would have been easier and the first two would have had more quality time if we’d stopped at 2.

BlindAssassin1 · 08/10/2019 10:00

He accuses me of not loving the two we have

This is an awful thing to say. It's not like you're begging for a new handbag because the old one's got a bit tatty! It is utterly spiteful to wipe out your feelings even though he has no rationale (something he apparently prides himself on?) to think this. It points to him being a bit a shit tbh.

How you actually get over not having a third... I don't know. I'm working on it, focusing on what I already have.

GinDaddy · 08/10/2019 10:21

I don't understand OP...your children already have siblings.

Orangeblossom78 · 08/10/2019 10:22

I am on the other side of this, my DH would love another and I have said no. (we have two already). So many reasons why we should stick at two- the cost- we have some savings for them in child trust finds, and everything is getting more expensive as they get older- we would not be able to give the same opportunities or time for three. Health, age...I am already at my personal limit with two.

So I get where your DH is coming from and it can sound kind of practical and unfeeling, however it is not at all.

Mamapop1 · 08/10/2019 10:23

Just an idea, if you crave the sharing more love and further siblings for your 2 DC would fostering be an option. Avoids the pregnancy you didn't enjoy, gives a new love in the house and doesn't need to be a lifelong commitment.

(I have not done this so have no idea in the practical side or if your DH would agree etc)

Original poster
happymondayagain · 08/10/2019 10:29

I’ve asked about fostering and he isn’t at all keen.

Yes, @beautifulmelody I work full time in a very demanding job.

OP posts:
donethinkin · 08/10/2019 10:32

Are you sure you’re happy in your marriage? He doesn’t sound emotionally invested/available? Do you want to spend your retirement with him? Every day. Just you and him? He doesn’t sound like he likes you very much! If you’re not honestly that keen on him (it’s ok to do some honest self assessment) then leave him and have your 3rd on your own. When he has the other two for weekends you’ll get alone time with the 3rd. I personally can’t see a downside. Then in a few years time when the baby is at preschool/school you can start dating and find somebody who is emotionally available and pleasant to be around