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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Conference etiquette...

21 replies

despondentatwork · 08/10/2019 06:54

I'm travelling to a conference on Friday. This involves an hour's drive to an airport, a flight & an overnight stay in a hotel. It's a rare opportunity for me-in my line of work Conferences are usually local, and I can count on one hand the number of nights I've stayed away from my family.
Booked independently of one of my bosses, who also happens to be going. Paid for externally...no cost to my boss at all & we had no idea the other one was going.
He has offered lifts to & from airport, and from past experience will be at my side the entire time.
I work 5/7/wk. Have a VERY hectic home life & was so looking forward to these 2 days travelling alone, having a night in a hotel room alone, being with strangers whilst learning something relevant to my role.
I do like this person, but AIBU unreasonable to decline offer of lifts. My DH thinks I am.....I don't want to be rude, but I'm craving some personal space & alone time.....

OP posts:

Smashtastick · 08/10/2019 07:02

No of course your not. Your DH is being ridiculous.

thirstyformore · 08/10/2019 07:03

I would feel the same. Make up some excuse as to why you can't travel together (eg. You are going somewhere else straight after the conference).

I would also have a headache in the evening and stay in my room and have room service. Or invent an old friend who lives locally to the conference to go to dinner with.

Even if this was event had been paid for by work, in my work place personal space is respected and it would be acknowledged that everyone may not want to travel/eat together.

AwkwardSquad · 08/10/2019 07:04

I don’t think YABU at all, and completely understand about needing alone time. Just not sure how you head your boss off at the pass... could you invent some sort of errand that needs to be done on way to airport or just before, making it impractical to travel together? At the event itself you may need to be quite assertive in moving to other groups / tables.

Smashtastick · 08/10/2019 07:04

As long as you declined politely of course.

Your boss is probably relieved and only offered out of politeness as you are going to the same place.

LadyGrey1013 · 08/10/2019 07:08

YANBU. Just say something along the lines of 'I'm all sorted for getting there and back already but thank you for your very kind offer.' DH has had his opinion heard. He's not the one traveling

Shelby2010 · 08/10/2019 07:09

I think refusing to share lifts to the airport would be rude - especially if you were planning on recovering costs from the company. And etiquette at conferences is to look out for your colleagues as most people don’t enjoy lunching etc alone.

However you absolutely should not share your hotel room with him, so that can be your sanctuary. My experience is that there is usually either a gala dinner or reps taking you out, followed by networking at the bar, so precious little time to enjoy the hotel room anyway.

Have fun, but remember this is still work & could be a good time to formulate new strategies with your boss rather than alienate him.

ibuiltahomeforyou · 08/10/2019 07:11

You just have to be really professional and honest.

I've done several conference stays at work where my daughter was a baby so I just used it as time away (and to be honest it was a bit frowned upon!)

You can accept the elements of company you want, and use the time with your boss to be impressive. Then, if he is being persistent outside of conference time, either repeat 'I want some decompression time' and retreat to your room, or just be honest(ish): 'I want to take time to absorb the conference material.' If any time is dead time; in the airport for instance, there is no issue in indulging your clingy boss. Then, at the conference, you can be in 'work' mode.

(You can't say you were looking forward to being on your own - if that's the case, you should book some time away.)

But you don't have to hang around your boss because he wants you there - you're being perfectly professional to want to meet new people and learn.

My stock phrases on conferences are: 'not a morning person' 'want some decompression time' 'want to absorb the material'. Any other time, I'm happy to be with others as it is basically work. It might also give you the impetus to network as you can't be faulted for talking to other people!

mindutopia · 08/10/2019 07:11

I don’t like travelling with people and all the coordination. I would just say no thanks and pay for my own fuel and parking if necessary.

BalanchineBallet · 08/10/2019 07:13

YABU in my industry.

It would be highly unusual, and someone would probably comment, if I want to a work conference at which another colleague, let alone management, was at and I didn’t travel together.

A) presumably you’ll be claiming the costs of taxis? Or mileage/parking? If you come from a similar area and are going to the same place, in most workplaces you would share.
B) what’s your organizational eco policy (let’s ignore the flying right now)- ours would say share transport.
C) I think it’s a work weekend. Thus interacting with work colleagues would be the norm. Perhaps a couple of hours apart, between returning from conference late afternoon and going to dinner, but we would eat with colleagues in our industry.

BalanchineBallet · 08/10/2019 07:16

Agree with @Shelby2010 who is clearly more eloquent than I am this morning!

Brefugee · 08/10/2019 07:21

I hate travelling for work with other people because they seem never want to switch off. So I'd take the lifts, and maybe lunch at the conference. Outside of that say it's time for you to gather your thoughts, make up your notes, answer emails and have some downtime.

Enjoy the conference. Also use this time with your colleague as a networking opportunity. Performative Business Travel i call it.

Monty27 · 08/10/2019 07:24

I would be uncomfortable with this too. However maybe your boss could do with your support and it might be beneficial to you in terms of networking and future joint working.
It is work after all.
Hth

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 08/10/2019 07:26

Completely reasonable and normal.

Every so often I have to go overseas for team stuff (global team).
It means I have to fly, travel to hotel/office/back, eat and then work all day, every day, with people I work with, for a week. It's really hard work, but necessary as these intensive weeks make up for the geographical spread rest of the time.

I always have to build in alone time whether that is deliberately travelling at a different time; staying at work late, overtly saying I'll be in my hotel room for a couple of hours etc. I think everyone is thinking the same thing so is relieved when I open my gob.

RachelEllenR · 08/10/2019 07:27

As others have said, if you were planning to claim expenses then you should really accept the lift. Don't use the phrase 'need to decompress'!. For time alone in your room there's no problem to just say 'I need to call home/have some emails to catch up on/need a rest before dinner' or similar.

I'm away for work this week too and accept that I will be spending a lot of time with colleagues and will look forward to being home again!

stucknoue · 08/10/2019 07:29

If your company is reimbursing transport to the airport then yabu it's normal to share. You may be disappointed but you have no right to time alone except in your room, it's work

stucknoue · 08/10/2019 07:30

Ps in h's field people even share rooms, though not once they are senior

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 08/10/2019 07:51

Ps in h's field people even share rooms, though not once they are senior

I used to work for an American company where that seemed to be the norm.

My foot went down on that little notion faster than a lightning bolt!
No fucking way.

Dollymixture22 · 08/10/2019 08:11

I travel a lot with work and get a bit irritated when I have to travel with colleagues.

I recently travelled to a major us city and had planned some exploring during a bit of down town. A pleasant enough colleague tagged along. He’s a nice man, but he completely ruined it for me.

Say you are travelling to and from the airport independently because you need to run a few messages (keep it vague). Accept you will need to spend some time with him, but politely say you both need to mingle.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 08/10/2019 08:41

I disagree with a lot of posters - I agree that YANBU to feel how you do, but I don’t think you can say anything or act on it without coming across as strange/rude/unprofessional/insulting your boss by some way. I’d feign illness to get out of spending time together in the evenings but if he asks to share lifts/eat lunch together I think you’d come across very badly by saying no.

LifeSpectator · 08/10/2019 09:15

I attend an annual confrence with a colleague who lives within 5 miles of my house ,so we often share lifts, taxis etc, but neither would think it odd if we declined an offer for a lift, it's more one will say i'm going from the office, or home, etc in car to leave at carpark, do you want a lift? depending on time i'll often decline as the kids will talk dh into giving a lift to see me off ( drive through Mc Donalds nearby), or we will go under our own steam but share a taxi home, ( we often do this as carparking at airport very expensive and if travel back very late after a long day and its nice to have a meal and drink in airport, and dont want to drive) basically i view it as a courtesy, to at least ask, but dont think it odd if plans don't suit, i just say, or he will just say, no thanks no need for excuses.

Original poster

despondentatwork · 09/10/2019 06:28

Thx Folks..mixed opinions. No cost implications whatsoever to our firm/boss. All being paid for by Reps. Just the 'companionship' element, really. I think he just feels obliged WRT lift sharing...and my DH works in the environmental sector & attends lots of Conferences so gets lots of 'away' time & completely takes it for granted whereas I don't.
WRT planning & learning, this is a Conference promoting medication for a very small part of my job, so probably not a team building/planning opportunity, really. Appreciate all your replies.

OP posts:

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