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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at ex encouraging ds2 to be a vegan

34 replies

theduchessstill · 08/10/2019 06:16

Ds2 is 10. He has decided to become a vegan/vegetarian (veers between the two) and is being egged on by ex. I know it's a good thing to do and we don't eat that much meat anyway but this is making my life harder and I'm annoyed at almost having it foisted upon me by ex, who dips in and out of these crazes with regularity because he's a dick.

Ds can be on the fussy side anyway so this won't help and I work about 50-60 hours a week atm (teacher) and have the dc 5-6 nights per week, so this will mainly fall on me. Ex has been on at him about making cheese out of carrots, protein powders and mayo out of something or other that's not egg. I've done a big shop including pancetta, prawns & mince for ds's favourites: carbonara, other pasta and shepherds' pie, only for ds to announce this.

AIBU to be pissed off - I have not the time, inclination or money to make this massive lifestyle change or to be cooking separate meals and it's not helped by ex being a lazy sod who makes no financial contribution to the dc's lives and has used this another opportunity to criticise me to the dc by telling them there are plenty of other protein substitutes and I'm lazy.

Ds is mainly motivated by his apparent knowledge that Ariana Grande is vegan.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Kaboomba · 08/10/2019 06:22

Personally I’d tell your 10 year old he has a right to follow which ever lifestyle he likes and you will facilitate and buy him what he needs but you don’t have time to make everyone something different so he will have to prepare his own food.

It won’t last long guaranteed when he has to put some effort in to it.

DeathStare · 08/10/2019 06:25

Tell your ex that if he wants to prepare a week's worth of vegan meals in advance and drop them round for you to give to DS then you will happily give them to him. However if he isn't prepared to make the meals (including shopping and paying for the ingredients) then he doesn't get a say in what's in them, nor does he get to call the person who is doing the food prep "lazy" if he isn't prepared to do it himself.

Point out to DS that Ariana Grande no doubt has a paid chef preparing her meals and that there will be lots of things she does (and can afford to do) that he can't do.

OwlBeThere · 08/10/2019 06:59

I would say that you are willing to make some changes but having just done a shop this can’t happen immediately or fully straight away. I’d try to meet him half way and buy a few substitutes like vegan cheese next time you shop and see how it goes.
YANBU to be tired, exasperated and irritated by an ex who takes every opportunity to undermine you. I have one like it and it’s just exhausting frankly.

MIdgebabe · 08/10/2019 07:05

Ask if ex can share some of the cheese he has made , just so you can see what it should be like?

Ds can cook. If you not eating meat most days anyway he can do his own beans on toast or whenever you do have meat.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 08/10/2019 07:09

For practical solutions, the cookbook The Green Roasting Tin is cheap, easy and half veggie, half vegan. It has a mix of 30 min, 45 min and >1hr recipes. Might be useful as a compromise. The recipes are also fairly cheap and don't call for anything mad and vegan niche.

It is deeply irritating when other people prod your child into doing some thing that's inconvenient for the household though (and I say that as a vegan)!

CupoTeap · 08/10/2019 07:11

I would be cooking all the things you have planned and make some subs for ds. This would surely be the biggest test if they are his favs.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 08/10/2019 07:26

I would also say that I was the only vegan in our household for over a year and we made it work; we cooked meals that were vegan at baseline and added meat/cheese/egg (cooked separately) if wanted. Many vegan dishes would go quite well with a chicken breast or sausages tbh.

cherryblossomgin · 08/10/2019 08:08

I would be asking ex to provide the extra food needed for this week or some money. Also I would be saying that cheese and mayo making can be done at his house. Also vegan or vegetarian protein powders are hard to find and not recommend for children.

GrimalkinsCrone · 08/10/2019 08:15

Contessa’s method is how we deal with having vegetarians, vegans and omnivores in the family.
Keep it simple, don’t get into protein powders and substitutes. Stick to masses of tasty greens, nuts and seeds and see how long his passion lasts. Especially as Christmas approaches.
Your ex sounds like a PITA. Suggest they make a vegan feast every time DS visits, with leftovers.

Quail15 · 08/10/2019 08:36

I wouldn't change anything this week as you have already done your shop. Maybe meal plan with Ds for next week.

At 12 I stopped eating meat ( because I was a PITA ) for no particular reason. It lasted a few months before I started eating fish again. Mainly because I got fed up of going out with my friends and having to wait ages for my fast food vegi option to be ready ( usually once all my friends had finished their non veg meals).

My mum did what others have suggested - cook a vegi base - tomato pasta, veg curry etc then added meat for everyone else. Any meal that was mainly meat I got the choice of a nasty microwave meal from the freezer or making my own dinner. I still only eat fish so it hasn't done me any harm.

I agree with the PP to ask your ex to make vegan cheese every week for Ds to bring home with him ( and then see if he continues to encourage it).

Rezie · 08/10/2019 09:55

Maybe have 2 vegan days a week? Or discuss vegetarian option instead of vegan. He is 10 so old enough to participate in cooking so if he has the motivation then he can actively participate.

AnotherEmma · 08/10/2019 09:59

No financial contribution?
Call CMS and set it up

sashh · 08/10/2019 10:06

Juat cook as you would normally.

DS can make himself toast or cereal with soy milk.

If he wants to make it more interesting he can phone his dad, every evening, for a suggested recipe. Preferably he can phone his dad 3- 4 times to make sure he is cooking things correctly.

I'd also stock up on things like kitkats that are not vegan.

SunshineAngel · 08/10/2019 10:08

I think it's completely out of order for him to actively encourage it, unless of course your son actually has a proper interest in it himself.

My 16yo SS has made comments that he would like to become a vegan, and actually gave me a list of everything I could buy and cook for him. I might be being unreasonable here, but I just can't afford to buy that much extra, nor do I have the time to cook two different meals. I have told him that if he wants to be vegan he can buy and prepare his own food - his dad will give him some money for this, the equivalent of what we normally spend per week per person.

Funnily enough he's no longer interested.

I've said I can absolutely do vegetarian if he wants, but not vegan. He wasn't just talking about food either, he was talking about everything, products etc that either use milk, eggs or are tested on animals in any way. It would be a complete upheaval of our lives, and while he might have the time for that, I just don't!

HumptyDumptyHadAGreatFall · 08/10/2019 10:10

YABU.
To me it sounds like your ex is being supportive of his decision.

Teddybear45 · 08/10/2019 10:12

I would tell your DS he can be vegan and you will support it provided he eats all vegetables, lentils etc. If his pickniness results in him wanting to live off oreos and processed food then he can’t.

GrimalkinsCrone · 08/10/2019 10:29

Well done Sunshine Angel. I was offered the same deal when I went vegetarian at 14, and I took it. Nothing wrong with expecting a bit of commitment and effort from a teenager. I’m vegan now.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 08/10/2019 10:29

@SunshineAngel ha funny that!

ShortyShortLegs · 08/10/2019 10:54

None of my kids are vegan, but one has coeliacs disease, one has a nut allergy, two are allergic to tomatoes and fruit. I am allergic to eggs, fish, tomatoes and fruit.
It is an utter pain in the arse because I have to cook some meals separately. I wouldn't entertain vegan/vegetarian diets unless my kids were willing to give me proper help with cooking and washing up.
Plus, not all vegan food is nice - has he tried dairy free chocolate? It can be really greasy.
However, I can highly recommend Heinz Vegan Mayo, it is delicious and the best egg free mayo I've tried 😀

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 08/10/2019 11:00

Any decent dark chocolate (e.g. Green and Blacks, Divine etc) is vegan, if that helps, Shorty. My DH would agree with you re the mayo, incidentally; he loves it!

Farahmaria · 08/10/2019 11:18

Hey, your ex sounds dreadful. However, more kids are veggie or vegan these days (eg. Greta Thunberg). I'm a Montessori teacher, and would say 10 years old is young enough for the kid to take more responsibility for his decisions. If it's truly an ethical decision, then actually it's good for him to learn to follow through on the consequences. He needs to research "alternative products", and be given a budget (give him some "maths in action" and walk away :-D) Kids CAN do this.... And it's a good test of whether this is a serious decision or something he's happy to flake out on within a week. If he's a picky eater, he could end up malnutritioned. Tell him to look up the supplements he needs, and that if he doesn't eat a decent diet, you will withdraw your support unless his dad pays for a nutritionist appointment. I should say that I went veggie, and then vegan, at around 11 years old. But I took responsibility.... My mum was raising 7 kids (yes... SEVEN :-D).... It wasn't an option for me to be a spoiled brat about it. But this is just one perspective..... I would definitely be wary of automatically being against your son's interests if you feel it's an influence from his father. It could set up some ugly patters.... It's completely natural for us to be influenced by our parents. Your ex may be a pain, but you can't change the the fact that he'll always be your kid's dad, and will influence him in some ways. It's really normal. Unless he's a danger to your kid, unfortunately that's something your gonna have to put up with for life.

mummymeister · 08/10/2019 11:24

This isnt really about food though is it OP. Its about this mans influence on your child. If he makes no financial contribution why not? Your child is 10 and old enough to discuss the game playing that your ex is engaging in. Explain that this has nothing to do with diet and everything to do with sticking the boot into you as the main parent. its very easy to criticise on the sideline and no so easy when you have the day in day out responsibility. why does he have access when he wont pay maintenance. all the rights, none of the responsibilities.

RhiWrites · 08/10/2019 11:24

Nothing wrong with being motivated by a celebrity you admire. I went veggie at 10 for similar reasons. Been veggie for 32 years now. There’s no need to sneer at the kid for wanting to be vegan or the dad for accommodating it.

littlepaddypaws · 08/10/2019 11:36

it all very well rhi but as op pointed out in op her ex follow these crazes but they don't last, he could send ds home with vegan meals they have made together esp.if he doesn't pay for ds. why should op have her household turned upside down for a fussy eater becoming fussier and something that probably won't last until christmas.

mummymeister · 08/10/2019 11:37

RhiWrites - its the stick the ex is currently using to beat the OP with and you are OK with this? Nothing to do with veganism. Everything to do with control.

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