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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off that DH never buys me flowers?

25 replies

Proseccorella · 08/10/2019 05:52

DH and I have been together for over 25 years and I could probably count on one hand - less probably - the number of times he's bought me flowers of his own free will (other times our DC have made him). I'm going through a rough time waiting for test results and hospital visits, and yesterday I gently hinted at how flowers would cheer me up. He replied "Bloody hell, you're not asking about flowers again are you?" Yes I know I could (and probably will) buy them myself as I usually end up doing. AIBU to be feeling so upset about this?

OP posts:

Ninkaninus · 08/10/2019 06:01

He’s not going to change now, is he.

I’m sorry you’re going through a difficult time at the moment. Perhaps gently hinting wasn’t the best way to go about it. Tell him again, clearly, that with everything that’s going on you are scared, stressed, and upset. That he should be trying to help and support you, and what you would like is for him to understand that a little kindness such as picking up a bunch of flowers without having to be expressly told to do so, is one very simple thing he could do to show that he loves you, cares about you, and wants to make things better for you.

What does he do for you? Is he a demonstrative man in other ways, or do more practical things to look after you?

Sometimes it can be helpful to look at love languages, and determine what ways your OH does show their love (even if they’re not the ways in which you wish they would).

Ninkaninus · 08/10/2019 06:01

Oh and of course you’re not being unreasonable to be upset about it.

TequilaMockingbird0 · 08/10/2019 06:02

Do you but him flowers? Or an equivalent gift when he needs cheering up?

Prettypumpkin · 08/10/2019 06:04

How does he show his love for you? Sorry but I think yabu, you know he doesn't buy you flowers, they're expensive and dont last long. A few years ago I had similar, my husband never bought flowers but I did start buying my own, not often but maybe once every month or two and it's made me happy

Mummaofmytribe · 08/10/2019 06:06

Is he otherwise supportive and kind? Or are the non existent flowers a symptom of a bigger attitude problem?
Gestures such as a cup of tea, making dinner, going with you to hospital appointments - all these are unromantic but loving in a different way.
If he's generally thoughtless and not attentive to you, you have a bigger problem than not getting flowers.
Best of luck with the tough time you're going through and for you.

Fatshedra · 08/10/2019 06:09

I don't like flowers because Dh phones the florist , gives his card details, florist delivers. Not much caring in that imv and I usually don't like the mixed bunch . I'd rather buy my own interesting/ colour coordinated, / peach roses myself however I thank him profusely .
But whilst you are going through what you're going through it would be nice of him - I would buy really striking bunches for myself and go to great lengths to arrange them fondly, displaying prominently and he might get the hint.

WelshMammaofaSlovak · 08/10/2019 06:17

My husband doesn't buy me flowers and he knows that I would enjoy it if he did but it isn't how he is. He isn't demonstrative but when the chips are down he always comes out to bat for me and that is more important to me than some flowers. He often doesn't buy me Christmas and birthday presents either but that isn't the way he shows his love and he doesn't expect them either! I buy my own flowers now and at least it means that I get the ones I like and I tell him the presents I want and we move on. I know my husband would resent being railroaded so it's no use me trying.

If your husband is at the medical appointment with you isn't that an indicator that he cares?. However, if your husband is an arse in other areas or doesn't provide generally or you don't feel that he has your back then that is your issue and that's more significant than material stuff. I would suggest that you have a good think before nailing your flag to the wall for something that you can buy yourself.

CreatedBySombra · 08/10/2019 06:28

YABU because cut flowers are expensive and wasteful.

But you're not unreasonable to want your husband to show you supportive gestures when you're feeling down and vulnerable. I just don't agree that flowers need to be the focus of the issue.

Original poster

Proseccorella · 08/10/2019 06:30

Thanks so much to everyone for your thoughts and advice. Hubby is generally not demonstrative or practical (e.g. I do all the cooking, make all cups of tea, do all childcare). He is not poor, so an inexpensive bunch of flowers is not a big ask, I think. Though he did get me some chocolates a couple of days ago (but saying, They were only 2 quid from Costco sort of killed the romance of it!) And yes I do buy him little gifts I know he likes, from time to time. In his defence though, he does give thoughtful birthday or Christmas presents. But I guess it's the everyday little gestures that I miss and would really appreciate, that don't exist.

OP posts:

SmileCheese · 08/10/2019 06:30

Do you but him flowers? Or an equivalent gift when he needs cheering up?

This ^^

I cannot abide flowers I think they are a waste of money and an impractical and thoughtless gift. I would much rather my partner showed support in other ways if I was going through a tough time as much as someone might like flowers they wont magically make that tough time easier.

If he is genuinely a considerate and thoughtful person in other ways I wouldn't let the fact he doesn't see value in a gift of flowers upset you.

tinytemper66 · 08/10/2019 06:36

My husband has rarely bought me flowers. I could have written the first part of your post. However I just tease him about it.
He doesn't need to shower me with flowers to show he loves me. He tells me daily and vice versa.
He also suggers from Hayfever so I try not to exacerbate this. (If I want flowers I just buy them.)

user1493413286 · 08/10/2019 06:42

I understand where you’re coming from; my DH doesn’t buy me flowers but he often buys me random bars of chocolate when he nips to the shop and it’s nice to have that thought.
People show love in different ways though, words, presents, actions. I tend to show it in doing little things to make his life easier and sometimes i have to remind him of that when he thinks that I don’t buy him stuff at the shop in the same way

Original poster

Proseccorella · 08/10/2019 06:47

Thanks everyone. I will get some flowers for myself at some point, but not today, as it might spark a row. DH has a hot temper and might see it as me trying to provoke him. Yes there are deeper issues than just flowers here, but I'm starting to reach out for help with those. Thanks to everyone who's taken time to write here today xx

OP posts:

AmIThough · 08/10/2019 06:54

OP I completely get your point. It'd be nice for him to do it as a little surprise, not because you've asked for them, but he won't.
My DP is the same. He's bought me flowers once in 6 years and that's because I bought him a valentines present so he went and got them in his lunch break!
I'm over it now though and just accept that I won't have flowers.

Shoxfordian · 08/10/2019 06:58

He knows you would appreciate some flowers, can easily afford to buy some but doesn't

Sounds like a knob

funnylittlefloozie · 08/10/2019 07:00

The people saying cut flowers are expensive /wasteful / pointless have kind of missed the point. The OP would LIKE flowers. To her, flowers are a simple gesture of love. Her DH is actively resisting buying a cheap bunch of roses from tesco that would have cheered up his wife. This is unkind and wilfully obtuse behaviour.

This probably resonates so much with me because my exH was just like this. He knew i liked flowers, but said they were a waste. My new BF buys me flowers regularly (only tesco ones), because it makes me happy and he likes making me happy.

The OPs DH doesnt seem to care about making her happy, and THAT is where the problem lies. for you, OP, I hope you can get this sorted.

Goldenbear · 08/10/2019 07:18

YANBU, he can show his support/love 'and' buy you the flowers! My DH doesn't regularly buy flowers but he does buy them, he is good at drawing (Architect) and will sketch my birthday cards, buy me thoughtful and generous gifts for my birthday and Christmas but still buy me flowers as he knows I appreciate them. I don't buy them for him as he wouldn't want them but I do get him the occasional little gift usually something edible that's only for him as he doesn't like, 'clutter' so it has to have a purpose.

DeathStare · 08/10/2019 07:49

DH has a hot temper and might see it as me trying to provoke him

This is the bit I see as problematic. He doesn't buy you flowers (fine, whatever) but would then personalise this and take it as a dig if you buy yourself flowers. You are damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

It also worries me that he has a temper you are scared to provoke. It's not just that he might be a bit put out or have hurt feelings. You are going out of your way to avoid making yourself happy because you are scared of his reaction.

The flowers are the least of the problems

Roselilly36 · 08/10/2019 07:57

My DH rarely buys me flowers, but he does bring me a cuppa in bed every morning, cooks all the families meals, is on hand (works from home) to help me when I need him to (I have a disability) takes me to medical appts, shopping and that means more to me than flowers tbh. If I want some flowers I buy them.

AmIThough · 08/10/2019 08:05

@Roselilly36 blimey, you should be buying him flowers!

Charles11 · 08/10/2019 08:15

My dh used to buy me flowers but did as a pp said and got them delivered. One year he got flowers delivered for our anniversary, Valentine’s Day and my birthday. He’s spent over £150 on flowers. I didn’t want to sound ungrateful but I would much rather have had a night away. I asked him not to buy them anymore as it’s a waste of money as far as I’m concerned.

Dh and I have our issues like everyone else but he does do little things like make me tea and coffee and show general consideration. I know he genuinely wants me to be happy. That’s what makes a difference.
I suspect that’s what you may be looking for too, op?

CherryPavlova · 08/10/2019 08:29

You shouldn’t be worrying that buying flowers will invoke anger. Flowers are lovely and make a house so much brighter.

Don’t drop hints use proper adult words to tell him directly that you want him to buy you flowers. If it’s too much effort for him to pop to a florist (artificially dyed garage ones won’t do) then tell him to order some online.

When they arrive reinforce positively with lots of praise and niceness. Make it nice for him to buy you flowers. Let him see how it boosts your mood and relationship. They can change.

Mummaofmytribe · 08/10/2019 09:28

Yeah, if he's not doing other kind things, then the lack of flowers are more of an issue as it's indicative of the way he treats you generally by the sound of it. Not all men are romantic but that's fine if they show they care through other ways like practical and verbal support.
Seems very unfair that you're afraid of his "hot temper" particularly as you're unwell.
As pp said the refusal to buy flowers, even though he knows you'd really like it, may be the least of your issues.
I rarely get flowers but I do get cups of tea, hugs and expressions of appreciation for all I do. Don't like the thought of you walking on eggshells.

Alicatz66 · 08/10/2019 16:30

YANBU .. he knows flowers would make you happy ... so why not buy you some to make you smile 😊... I love flowers 💐... hope all your tests and stuff are ok .. I'm going through that myself .

adaline · 08/10/2019 16:54

If you want flowers, buy flowers!

You already know it's not his "thing" so why not focus on other positive things that he does? Does he make you cups of tea? Let you have lie ins? Cook nice meals?

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