Pregnancy after many losses

[molly29]

Hi.
I haven’t been on mumsnet for years, mainly because it was too painful.
I’ve got two living children 14 and 10.
I’ve lost 4 pregnancies also. Most recently a horrific and traumatic ectopic and our daughter being born sleeping at 22 weeks.
So I’m around 8 weeks pregnant and I feel so ill and down. We’ve had a scan and seen a heartbeat, but know all too well that this doesn’t mean we get to keep this pregnancy.
I’ve been incredibly nauseous, which is also getting me down massively, I feel really depressed. I feel terrible for feeling so depressed as this is a much wanted pregnancy that has taken us years and years.
I also feel my 14 year old is on to me and I desperately want to keep it a secret to protect them.
Any advice or support or kind words would be great. If I could help support anyone going through pregnancy loss I will try.
Big hugs everyone.x

Oh, love.

You've had such a rotten time, and it must feel especially hard right now as there is so much in the news about pregnancy loss. But you absolutely shouldn't feel bad for feeling worried or depressed. Do you have any medical support - a recurrent loss team or anything?

Hiya.
Thank you for responding.
No I don’t. I booked myself into EPU. Had a scan at around 7 weeks and have another at 9 weeks. They were lovely.But apart from that I don’t know what the process will be.

I’m so sorry.

Not much to say other than I’ve been there, and do not feel bad about feeling bad. I’ve got a very similar record to you and that fifth try I found VERY difficult. I was all out of optimism and hope by that stage so all the nausea etc just felt like it was all going to be for nothing. I was a miserable cow.

I don’t think there’s any trick other than to know you are doing great for keeping trying, and there is no way around it, it’s just a long hard slog after going through all that. You do whatever you have to do to take care of yourself to get through it. Wishing lots of luck for you!!!

Find out if there's a perinatal mental health midwife in your area who you can be referred to for support

99bb you hit the nail on the head. I do feel I could be doing this all again for nothing and I am a miserable cow! Hehe!
Valentino, thank you for that, I’ll look into that.

What you're feeling is completely normal considering the ordeal you've suffered. I sincerely hope you and your partner and baby enjoy good health and an uneventful birth.

EKGEMS, thank you. What a lovely message. X

Best of luck to you. I lost 3 and then had 2 and I can't imagine having to keep it a secret as well. I just lived from scan to scan really and tried to distract myself the rest of the time. Would it really be so terrible if your kids knew though? if the worst does happen you are unlikely to be able to keep it hidden.

As you are aware, you can have a loss at anytime, including past the point of hiding things, so feeling miserable and hiding it now won’t necessarily protect them. I would tell your children, they are old enough to understand and tbh, one thing with miscarriage is that it is so common, that protecting your kids now probably won’t protect them in the future if they experience it. I’ve kept pregnancies secret, I’ve told everyone as soon as I’ve peed on a stick. Outcome has been the same. Now it doesn’t really matter now I’m out the other side. It’s certainly easier to deal with in that worst trimester if it’s not a secret.
Don’t feel like it’s all for nothing - I almost gave up before my ivf transfer as we only got one viable embryo from about 20 that fertilised. I thought that it would be likely genetically damaged and I’d end up with another miscarriage. But he’s not. He’s the most delightful boy I could wish for.

Whatever happens, it’s not your fault. It’s tiring, draining, emotionally you’re invested and yet keeping your distance. But having a heartbeat is half the battle. You’ve defeated the odds that the pregnancy won’t survive the first 8 weeks. You feel shit - Also a battle won - your body is flooded with pregnancy hormones that will help the baby survive.

You’re also doing well by realising you need to share the burden. Even if it’s here.

Thank you both for your reply’s.
I have a scan on Monday, I think I’ll be a little over 9 weeks, I am seriously considering telling the children after if it’s ok.
I’d forgotten how hard being pregnant is, battling between that and the thoughts of how grateful I should be to be pregnant.
It’s as though, if I were to say out loud how much I’m struggling, that it will all go away because I shouldn’t moan.

Oh lovely. I can empathise. I had a similar situation and for me the first trimester was such a sad and miserable time. But although I have no advice as such (I just existed through it), I do send lots of good thoughts your way and I really REALLY hope that you are back on here in 8 months time asking if you ABU not to remember the simplest thing due to newborn sleep deprivation! Wishing you the very best

Thank you Izzwizzo

What a dreadful time you've had. I hope everything goes well for you this time.

Thank you Almost50. X

I lost four before my three, the first was ectopic. When people told me to take pregnancy a day at a time, I thought they were mad. I coped by dividing each day into six hour chunks and getting through those one at a time. I panicked when we knew it was twins because my body hadn't even held onto one baby and I had zero confidence in it.

But feeling grim is a good sign. A heartbeat is a very good sign. Just being able to conceive is a good sign. The fact that your previous losses have no consistent pattern is a good sign.

Get lots of support where you can, rest and eat well and be grateful antenatal checks can't measure anxiety!

Holding my breath and everything crossed for you.

Thank you NearlyGranny. X

I’m so worried I’ve done the wrong thing.
Today I told my children, I felt so ill, gagging everywhere.
I feel like I’ve made a mistake.