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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel I have a bleak future?

17 replies

thefuturesbleak · 07/10/2019 20:05

I’m not normally so negative (sorry) but I’m in a rut and I can’t pull myself out of it.

I’m 40 (just turned.) I’m single and have been since pretty much forever. To be honest I am quite plain and never had much attention from men and in any case I had a difficult adolescence and early adulthood and I just didn’t really prioritise relationships.

So now I’m alone. Horribly so.

I know everyone will tell me to join things and make friends but the truth is I don’t honestly know what to join or do. Meet-up groups aren’t really conducive: people come and go and in any case you have company for the duration of whatever it is and then go home, alone. I know people must think well isn’t that better than nothing but I’m not sure it is. It actually depresses me.

I want children but there’s no way I can afford them alone and I’ve looked into every possibility. I can’t in my mind justify raising a child in poverty.

Is this it then? Am I just going to fade away into nothingness?

OP posts:

Patchworksack · 07/10/2019 20:17

You could have another 40-50 years, please don't just give up. There is a saying (Einstein?) which goes "foolishness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" so make some changes! What do you enjoy? Try some new things! Don't do things specifically to meet a partner but broaden your circle of friends. Can any existing friends set you up with someone? Have you tried online dating?

Original poster

thefuturesbleak · 07/10/2019 20:19

Well, yes. But the truth is I suppose, I don’t think I want to be constantly going out and doing new things. I really want to stay in and get a takeaway and watch Netflix with a bottle of wine with my husband when the kids are in bed. I don’t want to be going out on a rainy Monday to something.

I’ve never done things to meet a partner, I think I gave up hope a long time ago to be honest.

OP posts:

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 07/10/2019 20:23

You won't get to the cosy nights in without meeting someone, it's that simple. So you either OLD, make an attempt to socialise more with colleagues and friends in the hope you meet a friend of a friend or you go out and get involved in life, you might meet someone you might not, but you won't be sat alone without purpose night after night. Choose something you like doing.

formerbabe · 07/10/2019 20:25

I don't see why you can't have a relationship. You describe yourself as plain... obviously I have no idea if that's true or not but taking that statement as correct, i can't see why being plain would hold you back. Plenty of plain, very ordinary and even unattractive people have partners. Have a look around you...vast majority of people could be described as plain.

I actually think you need to be really pro active when it comes to trying to meet someone. I know it's easier said than done.

Original poster

thefuturesbleak · 07/10/2019 20:27

I know former. But as you get older, the pool of available men gets smaller. Realistically, I’ve no chance. I’m honestly not trying to be negative here but it’s just realism.

OP posts:

Jollitwiglet · 07/10/2019 20:32

You're saying you're being realistic but you're not, because you haven't even tried. You are being negative, and you're putting no effort in and expecting to get results.

You either carry on as you are and mope around being lonely for the rest of your life, or try something different and at least give it a try

Original poster

thefuturesbleak · 07/10/2019 20:33

Sorry, where does it say I haven’t tried?

OP posts:

Jollitwiglet · 07/10/2019 20:36

'I've never done things to meet a partner'

CormacMcLaggen · 07/10/2019 20:41

It's easy to say try a new group, or do online dating - but to actually force yourself when you just don't fancy it is shit; I get what you're saying.

If it helps, I have a DH but I still feel lonely. I don't have a group of friends and I've tried clubs/groups but I've found trying to force socialisation never results in any deep/meaningful connections.

I met DH without looking, and the same with the few friends I have, so I guess I'm trying to say there is hope that you'll enrich your life just by chance meetings, even if you're not doing Samba Mondays, Bookclub Wednesdays and Yoga Fridays...

Original poster

thefuturesbleak · 07/10/2019 20:44

You’ve misunderstood my meaning Jolli

Someone advised that I didn’t do things with the sole aim of meeting a partner. What I was trying to explain is that I haven’t done hobbies or travel or clubs or voluntary work thinking they would necessarily lead to meeting a partner. I have done OD though.

OP posts:

sallievp · 07/10/2019 20:47

You are only 40!!!!! It's all-in the mind...I'm just turned 40 too....you have years and years ahead of you. Try online dating to meet someone maybe? I know it's hard but try to be positive.

Delurker2019 · 07/10/2019 20:47

I was just like you. I am 43 I am very plain, I was single for 6 years. But I just got used to doing things I liked and I made a life I was happy with. I went on Tinder and I promise you it is not what everyone thinks. I have met some lovely guys on there. But the key is you have to be happy with yourself first. Come and have look at the Dating Thread in relationships. There is a whole world out there. Don't give up hope

Spied · 07/10/2019 20:50

Friends at work? Does anyone you know actually know how you feel and that you would like a partner? Maybe they know someone they think you would get on well with.

Original poster

thefuturesbleak · 07/10/2019 20:51

I’ve only done that once and it was a bit mortifying as my friend had to tell me their friend wasn’t interested. Sigh. I don’t have many friends now anyway.

OP posts:

Gingerkittykat · 07/10/2019 22:35

You can't say you have tried when you then say you've never done things to meet a partner and shout down any helpful suggestions people make.

It's telling you don't want to go out and do things either, it's not clear whether you are looking for sympathy or help to move forward.

Davespecifico · 07/10/2019 22:41

You’ve got 9 years to get to my age.
Just think of what you really love or pull love doing and see if there is a way to incorporate meeting people with it.
It doesn’t matter if you’re plain. Many other people are too.

tinselvestsparklepants · 07/10/2019 23:41

If you are fed up now you'll most likely still be fed up with a partner. Having someone with you won't fix things, honestly. And it probably won't happen while you feel so low.

Can I suggest you just spend some time not thinking about this mythical other or about what other people think you should be doing? How about celebrating your freedom with some glorious selfishness. If you want to watch Netflix all night do so. If you want to book up going to a strange play, do so. Do things for no other reason than YOU think they look interesting. Or invent a flamboyant version of yourself and take her out. Try and see where you are now as an opportunity rather than a sentence.

Obviously if that doesn't sit where you are with your mental health then that takes priority instead.

But where you are now is the perfect place to start becoming who you want to be.

(I say this as someone who married late. Your thoughts are very familiar)

Oh and PS you are SO not plain. What rubbish. You're beautiful! And when you're happy, you are radiant. Don't forget that.

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