To be this heartless?

[insanepizza]

Feeling concerned about DH's family. For the record DH is embarrassed by this and tries not to involve me in any of his family or worries. He is also the most lovely and generous man; whilst one of his best characteristics can also be a fault.

We have two children and niece (DH deceased sister's daughter living with us), she is a young adult and like a second daughter, she's been living with us for 3 years.

SIL has mental health problems and is an alcoholic. Periodically goes to rehab but often goes back off the rails. In the twenty years I've known her she has never supported herself, she has always relied on a man or family. For the past 2-3 years she has been living with FIL who pays for everything, her medical bills (they're abroad and her medical insurance is high), he's put his property in her name and pays for all her food etc. Over the years he's found her many jobs which she never sticks to. Her alcoholism and mental health means she is incredibly manipulative and difficult and often cannot get out of bed for days. Essentially she doesn't function as an adult.

Fil wants to go into a home and is quite unwell and she recently lost it with DH and FIL and rewriting history when they suggested she must support herself. She was horrible and manipulative and frankly behaved appallingly, rude about everyone and used Facebook to slate FIL which was horrible.

I understand her life is bad and that mental health is terrible but I do not want her to become reliant on us (financially or administratively, or god forbid love with us which has come up in the past). DN could not live with it as she's been through so much already and I don't want my children to either. We also have no savings etc and I don't see why we should have to fund her. AIBU to say this should not happen? I'm wondering if it is heartless and whether if she had to survive she might actually manage?

YANBU.

She's an adult, you have no legal obligation to fund her. Is your H likely to be guilt-tripped onto letting her sponge off you both, though?

Yanbu at all. I would never support her or let her live with me.

Who will tell you it’s heartless of you?

Of course its heartless from her perspective but you sound smart though keep saying no

If your fil put the house in her name does that mean she can sell it?

YANBU

Blimey, I don't think anyone would say you were heartless! She sounds like she's gone through life making people unhappy - why would you let her anywhere near you? Your poor FIL should put himself first now and get into a home and put his money in the bank in case he needs it later.

@slipperywhensparticus I think FIL has house until he dies but it will go to her after death. He wants to rent out house to pay for his residential care which is why he and DH suggested that she try some independence.

She has called everyone takers yet when I've seen her recently all she's been doing is taking (lovely holidays paid for by FIL where she has barely got out of bed / I understand this but surely if you weren't strong enough you'd say I'm not up to it). And she just expects everyone to pay for everything.

I have a cousin that doesnt support himself. Aunt/uncle ask for money as 'its a family matter'. Ive never given money, but then as a consequence dont have much of a relationship with said aunt/uncle/cousin.

Im comfortable with that, but it just depends what you'd be comfortable putting up with.

This could be the wake up call she needs. Ni absolutely do not support her. You are doing more than enough by looking after her daughter. I would personally sell fil house to fund the home and stop the sil from staying in that house or asking for handouts. She has to learn and function as an adult should. She has been babied for too long.

So he has willed it to her? In that case I would suggest he changes his will gives it to charity

YANBU at all Op & certainly not heartless. She needs to stand on her own two feet. She is not your responsibility so don't let her or anyone else guilt you into thinking she is!

"She has to learn and function as an adult should"

Has it been established that she is capable of that?

I don't think your DH is, under any obligation to have his Sister live with you both, but if she generally struggles with her MH and needs some support, you mention administrative support, then it's harsh to turn your back on a Sibling that needs that help.

Personally i couldn't do it. But i would set strong boundaries and be honest about what i would and wouldn't do.

slipperywhensparticus
"So he has willed it to her? In that case I would suggest he changes his will gives it to charity"

Or he may want his DD to inherit. I know what I'd have to say if someone told me to disinherit my children.

She probably isn't capable of supporting herself as an independent adult. But that still doesn't mean you or your H have to take her in and look after her.

YANBU to say you do not want to take on the burden of your SIL. She could be living with you for the rest of YOUR life and it could possibly end your marriage. Could the house be left in trust to her when your FIL passes so you DH can make sure she always has a roof over her head?

It's not heartless to think of your children and your niece.

Just to be clear, DN who lives with us is his other sister's daughter (deceased).

The thing with supporting her admin is the stress it will involve. She is rude and unreliable and doesn't try even when she's 'ok'.

She was also bitching about our marriage to DH saying she 'knows he's unloved' etc. She is an utter taker who told my niece at Christmas 'you have no idea what it's like, I lost my sister' (that was niece's mum).

She has always allowed the things that have happened to her make her the victim rather than taking responsibility (e.g. I gave up custody of my children because that's what was best for them, when actually they were taken away due to her alcoholism- fortunately their dad was amazing.) this is all the manipulation of the alcoholism but I don't want to do her admin for years only to have her try to create a divide between DH and myself.

The person who said it would be for life is right! I am happy to help DN (no parents) or DNephew (one parent alive) if he chose to move here as they are relying on me until they're independent. I don't want to take on responsibility for a fifty two year old woman who will be difficult, ungrateful etc. However, wry hard for DH to do nothing which I understand.

Oh I see. Thank you for the update. I was a little bit confused earlier. I agree, tell fil that you do not want to be involved in the admin side. Then it's down to him what he does.

YANBU!
Frankly, you'd be totally insane to even consider taking her in for even a second. She's made her (bad) choices, she needs to suffer the consequences.

Once FIL dies, I'd use that as a reason to cut SIL out of your lives for good.

If you think it would nag at your conscience - or that of your H - to simply tell her to go fuck herself once your FIL goes into a home or passes on, you could suggest that H looks into what is available in their area by way of support for 'vulnerable' adults (whether she is not competent to look after herself or just lazy and greedy would be up to the professionals to decide) and let FIL know what is possible for arranging any care she might need that does not depend on you having to mind the wretched woman.

I think you already know what to do. Please don't inflict this woman on your family. NC necessary.

It's only heartless to her. To your family and your other responsibilities it's the sensible thing.