New name bc of identifying details, etc.
My mum is in Austria, I am in Scotland and have been for many years. My birthday is soon after Brexit, we are also moving to a new place a couple of hours away (= complicated move), and I have an important work project to finish up by the end of October (which I can do remotely, so that is fine).
Long story (not so) short, my mother wants to spend my birthday with me. I repeatedly said it is a good idea because A) really stressful time, B) Brexit (she barely speaks any English, if she gets stuck somewhere, she'll be screwed). Told her that repeatedly for the past 6 months but she did not acknowledge that in any form or shape. That is normal, she does that often, birthday or no birthday. It always ends with me rescheduling a bunch of stuff, being really stressed and overworked while trying to hold it together, and her telling me "see, I told you I wouldn't impose on you and it would be lovely". She does impose, purely by being overbearing. In a nutshell, she tries to do stuff for me to prove her being here is not stressful but that is precisely what makes it stressful.
The solution, of course, would be to have an adult discussion of when she can visit and when we visit her, to find a time that suits us all. That will never happen, she immediately spirals into a state of "my daughter doesn't want me around 24/7, that means she doesn't love me, she rejects me, how mean of her". Then she panics even more, becomes angry, and I cannot get a word in edgewise - as you have probably guessed, my family "doesn't do" therapy, so that is not an option either. There is no family member who could talk to her.
Last week, for the millionth time, I strongly emphasised that the days she had planned to be here without consulting us really do not work for us. She went on a rant to which I eventually responded with "mum, I don't need to give you our new address." Cue her irrational fear of losing me again - after some shouting at me, she ended the skype call in the middle of a rant and refused my attempts to talk to her. I messaged her to say she can contact me whenever she is ready and left it at that.
I know how the next few weeks will go and what I need to do in order to establish contact again (reach out, let her rug sweep,..). That is fine, I am used to it. She did the same when I was a kid and did something she didn't approve of (i.e. storm off and not talk to me) so that is plenty of practice. The distance means we are LC anyway, hence, all good most of the time.
Anyway, I find it really tiresome to deal with this again and again, so can you tell me your stories about your parents' unreasonable and/or overbearig behaviour? Any advice on coping stragies besides moving to another country and taking many deep breaths?
I'd love to say that after all this time it is just a recurring annoyance but it is still a little hurtful.