Sibling closeness

[Jadefeather7]

Was discussing this with DH the other day. His parents were asking DH if he could somehow help two of his siblings with their difficult relationship. His parents have great relationships with their siblings and we are guessing that they feel upset seeing their kids not getting on. We both understand and in fact DH was saying he sometimes feels a little sad that it isn’t like that for them. For example his best friend is one of the three brothers and they are super close. They see each other often, partners all get on well and holiday together once a year. DH and I were discussing why it’s like that for some and not others. Is it just that some get lucky with having similar values, being in close proximity, close in age or do parents have a role to play in encouraging closeness? If you are close to your siblings, why do you think it is? Will you be trying to encourage your children to be close or are you happy for them to not have a relationships with each other in the future?

I'm close to my siblings but some more than others. My sister for example, is particularly close to me, but then I also have a close relationship with a brother of mine because we share some interests etc. It may be because of my parents wish that we stayed close, but sometimes you grow up and just have different view points and morals.

Some people just don't foster "close" relationships as they prefer to be friends with people outside of the family.

If my brother needs me he knows where I am and likewise but we don’t socialise and we don’t text or call one another. We are different people and if not for being biologically related we wouldn’t be friends. I don’t think it’s healthy to be too enmeshed purely because of genetics, a never growing up and striking Out as you always have the sibling as your main friend and confidant.

Honestly, it's luck of the draw.

Oldest brother - I live 3 miles away from him. He's 14 years older, and a misogynistic, bitter old git. We get on well enough on an entirely superficial level when my parents visit, then I never see him otherwise.

Oldest sister - 70 miles away. See occasionally when visiting other sister. 12 years older. Very similar personality to me. Makes zero effort with me, and when I realised this - and the fact that she complains about the efforts I do make, it was no loss.

Older sister - lives near other sister. There are things I can talk about with her that I'd say to no one else in the world. Both personal and hobby stuff. She is less similar to other sister, but sees more of her. Also very flaky and unreliable, usually me who contacts.

There's not even consistency between liking and relationships. The brother I like the least has the least power to bother me because neither of us gives a toss

Not close to my brother at all, text occasionally, usually about our parents Christmas presents.
Rarely see each other and that doesn't bother either of us, we are very different people and as kids i hated him, he stole all my stuff and usually broke it, would follow me and wind me up when i just wanted some peace, was jealous, once i got a chocolate bar for something good and he didn't as he'd misbehaved so he pushed me down the stairs out of jealousy, he was about 9 then.
Part of the reason i'm 99% sure i'm sticking with 1 child, there is no guarantee they will be friends and i don't want to spend all my time stressed like my mum was breaking up arguments, i want her to have a peaceful childhood, so far she isn't interested in a sibling thankfully, is happy with her friends in pre school

I'm one of three, we are have a very close relationships, see each other every few weeks, text nearly every day, always help each other out but have been known to fight the bit out but are always friends the next day. I couldn't imagine a life without them.

My husband is the oldest of two. They have a quite a formal relationship. They never fight and neither really knows what is going on in the others life. When we started going out I found their relationship really odd, but the whole family is what I would class as 'distant' from each other.

He always says he would love his lot to be as close as mine and thinks that one of the reasons why we are is, because when I was growing up we always had dinner round the table at the same time every night. Where as in his family they just ate when they wanted and took their plate up to their bedroom so they never really spent any time together.

I’m very close to my DB and we don’t have any other siblings. I would say our dad passing away brought us even closer, but to be honest we’ve been close since childhood. Very close in age, and actually my DS and DD also have the same age gap. I would love for them to have the same great relationship as me & DB have but I agree it’s a personality thing and, although I will encourage their friendship, I know it’s not something that can be forced.

I would guess it's a combination of nature (personality types) and nurture eg parents can inadvertently pit children against each other and make them feel in competition, play one off against the other, emphasise the differences, treat them differently etc

I have a brother and a sister, both older than me (by seven and ten years respectively).

I used to be closer to my brother when we were younger, but if I'm being honest, that was more because his first wife was very good at making sure he saw a lot of the family and kept in touch etc. We would see them regularly and have a lot of family meals etc at my mum and dad's and so on. When he was single, he was pretty lazy about it, and his second wife was a very, very difficult woman who didn't really want much to do with our family at all. He's single again now and I see him briefly when I visit my parents (at the other end of the country) because lives with them, and we exchange the odd text and Facebook message. I love him dearly and I'm sure he loves me too but we don't see much of each other and he wouldn't make the effort if I didn't, and I can't always be bothered to always do the running. He is what he is - he's great when i do see him and we always have a lovely chat and a great laugh but he's really bad at communication otherwise.

I see my sister a few times a year, sometimes with my parents and occasionally we meet up and do something or do each other a favour or whatever. We have very, very different personalities and sometimes find each other a bit frustrating but we get on well enough to meet up for a meal or something now and again. Again, I love her dearly and I would hope that she loves me too - our relationship is perfectly good, but whether I would say 'close', I'm not sure.

My brother and sister are probably much closer emotionally to each other than I am to either of them, which I think is because they're much closer in age and also have a particular personality trait in common which I think means they empathise with each other a bit more than they do with me. They had both left home by the time I was about 13 or 14, so I felt like an only child throughout my teens really. I feel like they are much more of a unit than I am, like I was an extra that came along when they were the established siblings.

That said, my sister regularly moans about my brother and how selfish and uncommunicative he is.

I'm one of nine and some of my siblings are my friends, some aren't. I love them all dearly but we're all different people.

My sister closest to me in age (1 yr older) is completely different to me and we just don't get on but of course if she needs me- I'm there and vice versa. My sister a year younger than me is one of my closest friends and gets on really well with the older one! It's just personalities.

It's mostly luck, but some things don't help.

I didn't have a good relationship with my brother from about age 10 upwards.
I can see a lot of the issues were jealousy. Anything I had, he had to have. This included things I'd saved up money to buy, or been told I had to wait to a certain age to have-he would get within 6 months. (he was 5 years younger). I'd also get something as a present, and he'd just get it.
The reason was that he was awkward and moaned more, and was also hard to get things he wanted.

So basically I lost out because I was seen to be easy to deal with. That's quite easy to resent.

I do have a reasonable relationship with him now, although we live some way apart.

I have one sister I am close to. We see each other regularly, talk often and our children are very close.
I have another sister who I have gone non contact with. We have always had our differences and definitely have different values.

I come from an even larger family than @NKFell and am closest to a brother who is 18 years older than me, and his son who is 20 years younger than me. Yes they do live the nearest to me, but I deliberately chose to live nearest to them.

I have a couple of good friends who both have a brother a couple of years older than them. Both their brothers hate them with a passion. No-one believes it until they have seen it in action. Oddly one of my friends has a son and daughter about the same age gap as me and my brother who also get on like a house on fire.

There are personality traits in common but part of it is that due to the age gap we don't have to get on and are not expected to have anything to do with each other as we have always been at completely different stages in life.

My DB and I are close, we don't see each other that often as we live far apart but we speak most weeks and he is probably the person I'd call if I needed anything.

My DH isn't close to his sister and they live a few miles apart and have children the same age. I facilitate their relationship really as they never call/text or anything.

I think it may be dependent on your parents relationship with their siblings, my parents both saw their siblings regularly and we often have family gatherings, but my DH's family never do that. He finds it a bit odd that we see each other so much even if it is only a few times a year. I don't think I have met most of DHs cousins.

I encourage my DDs to get on and they are probably closer to each other than many of their friends are to their siblings, however only time will tell as they are still young.

Agree that it's a combination of things. I get on very well with all of my siblings (we socialise together, have a whatsapp group, etc. love getting all of our families together) but at the same time I have one brother I message more than the others, just because we share similar interests and message each other all the time about TV, music, etc.

What's clear from the replies above is that when siblings don't get on, it's often because that person is just difficult to get on with in general! So as a parent, I would say that if you raise your children to be friendly, kind, generous, etc. then there's more chance that they will grow up close.

I’ve got 6 siblings and speak to none of them. I’d love a close knit family but we just don’t get on

Those that don’t get on with siblings, do you want things to be different for your DC? If they decide not to have much contact in the future would it upset you or are you not bothered?

If my children grow up to have little in common and have different values, then I would respect this as a reason for low contact and wouldn't push them to spend more time together or try to resolve their differences.

I'm close to my sister who's 15 months older than me. We had the same group of friends growing up (she was the year above me at school). We're nothing alike at all yet we're best friends, I don't think we've had a cross word since our teens thirty years ago. We had pretty crap parents and I think that's one of the reasons for our closeness. My dc have the same age gap and are also close (boy and girl, in their 20's now), and sometimes I look at them laughing together and think 'how lovely' then worry that they may have also had crap parents.

Yes, I do want it to be different for my dc, and actually they are different.

Growing up there were 3 of us. Dc1, dc2 (me) and dc3. Me almost exactly in the middle.
Up to aged 10yo it was me and dc3, and dc1 looked at us as the babies and didn't really want to join in. Then changed to me and dc1, with me and dc3 really not getting on.
Dc1 and dc3 did almost nothing together. I cannot honestly remember them even playing a card game with just those two. They had no interest in doing things together, even though they were probably more similar than me and either the other two.

My dc, I have similar age gaps. Dc1 mothers dc3, and dc3 will go to ask dd1 to help or will go for hugs and comfort. Dc1 and dc2 go out and do things together. Dc2 and dc3 do have the most spats now, but they do a number of things together out of choice. Dc3 at times has idolised dc2, which dc2 doesn't really appreciate though. Dc2 will encourage dc3 to do things she does so they can do them together.

I make sure that they don't only do the same things. One thing I felt was that I could never do anything with dc3 also doing it and being considered better, even if looking back I was better.
They've all had individual things that they do and the others don't, and some things they all do.

I think parents can have a role but it complicated.

I am close to my brother despite a 12 yr age difference, living a few hours away and some different views/interests (although I guess plenty of overlap too). One thing our parents (both now deceased) never did was compare us or try and interfere in our relationship in anyway.

DH's parents did the whole rotating golden child/scapegoat thing with him and his sister (interestingly it is clear to observe the same kind of dynamic occurred with their own siblings and parents) with them firmly in the centre controlling all communication. They have actively sabotaged independent meeting between them. DH and his sister still had some kind of [strained] relationship in their early forties...now they are in their early fifties it has pretty much broken down. We've only got one child - mainly because DH was so concerned about repeating the pattern.

I don’t like one of my brothers. We fell out over his anti-vaccination stance and haven’t really spoken much since.
I had dc2 two weeks ago and haven’t heard a thing from him - no card, not even a text.
It’s pathetic.

I'm very close to all 3 of my siblings. I'm not sure why. I suppose we are relatively similar in personality and we share a lot of core values (this part I suspect largely due to parenting). We were raised to help each other out and work as a team and now as adults I can count on them like no one else. It's self perpetuating. Any time each of us goes that extra mile for one of the others, the appreciation each time builds a bond that makes us more likely to go the extra mile next time.

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland that sounds lovely, you are very lucky!

My brother and I aren’t close. We used to be but family circumstances and differing opinions have driven us apart. It makes me really sad because he’s the only sibling I have, we’re from a broken home and I feel like he should be someone I can rely on and confide in. He doesn’t really bother with my dc unless I facilitate their relationships and my dc are getting to the age where they question his lack of involvement in their lives. By contrast, my oh’s sibling bends over backwards to accommodate our dc and build relationships with them.

I try to constantly instill in my dc the importance of being a good sibling, what it means to support one another and how they need to treat each other with love and consideration because one day they might need each other. I often wonder if I’m doing a good job and live in genuine fear of raising dc who have no respect for each other - I so want them to embrace each other and have close relationships growing up as I feel I really missed out by not having that.

My sister and I were ok as kids but bickered a lot and there was a lot of jealousy (from both of us,