Marriage - Am I being selfish

[Jacq217]

I'm suffering with depression, and feel like a shadow of my former self. Days are spent trying to stop myself crying, and often not succeeding. All I want is to talk to my husband about how I am feeling, but every time I try it devolves into an argument, where he starts going on about how his feelings don't matter and it's all about me and how I don't care about how he feels and how he just has to "shut up and take it" when I'm complaining about how bad I'm feeling. At some point during or after the argument he walks away, often leaving the house, then ignores me for the next couple of days. I try to apologise and feel like I am talking to a brick wall. He then rarely kisses me goodnight, gets into bed and turns his back on me and only says he loves me if I say it first. After a few days it's forgotten and he's loving and caring again. I end up not mentioning how I am feeling just to avoid the argument as each one leaves me feeling so much more alone, whilst feeling like I am dying that bit more inside. Any advice? Anyone been in a similar situation?

i have bi polar so i understand the sort of thing you are going through, talk to your gp about how you feel,there are talking therapies available as well as medication.
living with someone with mental health conditions is very draining so i can see your dh's point of view to a degree. but i't's abit peevish of him not to say he loves you unless you say it first .

I am coming at this as the ex partner to someone with serious depression. I will be honest here. In my case I struggled too as I would come home and he would be talking about how miserable he felt and I would try to listen of course, but it was relentless for the whole evening. I could never talk about how I felt because there was no space for me. Everything had to revolve at all times around how he felt about things. It wore me down, I started to feel depressed myself and I hated going home. I knew he couldn't help it, it was an illness, but it was like a black cloud hanging over the house and I began to feel suffocated by it. However, in this case the medication clearly wasn't working and he refused to attend counselling for it so I couldn't see any end to it ever.

I am assuming a few things here which may not be correct, so forgive me if I am off the mark here. My advice is to stop making him your emotional outlet. You need a counsellor or some other outlet for your feelings as it is just too much pressure on someone. I don't approve of him ignoring you at all, but it could be this is his way of detaching and giving himself emotional space away from your depression - not from you, though it probably seems that way.

Of course, all of this assumes he is not a dickhead who is contributing to your depression and it is a change in his usual lovely behavior.

meant to say he's not helping by ignoring you either, that's not good but neither is you not being able to talk about your problems either, he probably walks away as he doesn't know what to do to help you and he feels useless that your life and marriage appears to be so miserable. him making the space gives him chance to clear his head so he can comeback with support, before the cycle begins again.

Are you getting help for your depression? Have you seen your GP, looked into antidepressants, accessed counselling?

Your husband should be there for you but he shouldn’t, and can’t be, your only outlet and support. He’s not qualified for a start and it’s too much for anyone to be their spouse’s everything. I can hear how you’re suffering but you need to get the help you need to find life more manageable and I feel for your husband who’s being expected to listen to you day in day out and possibly feels there’s no space in your marriage for him to have feelings too.

So if you’re not taking responsibility for managing your depression and expect him to have an endless supply of empathy you’re being selfish and unreasonable.

I think depression is hard and living with someone with depression is hard. In my experience, people in a bad place with their mental health are capable of being extremely focused on their own needs (with good reason when just getting out of bed feels like a struggle) to the detriment of their partner’s. It is difficult to know from your post exactly which way the scales are ripping here but I would agree with @BarbedBloom that a counsellor or another outlet for your feelings might be useful here.

FWIW I had an awful period with anxiety a few years ago and was, in retrospect, hellish to live with. But it’s hard to see that when you’re living through it. Hope you start to feel better soon.

Ripping??? Tipping!

It's a really difficult one to advise on.

As many say it really depends. I suffer with depression. As has my partner. It's very difficult to be the support for someone.

At times, I did feel my feelings didnt matter when my partner was suffering with depression. He wanted to talk about how he felt and often it resulted in actually telling me how I wasnt doing enough or he was depressed because of me. Dp had to take time off which put more pressure on me financially and meant I was more stressed and tired and I didnt have as much emotional availability to give it to him all the time, as and when he wanted/needed it. He got help and things got better. Less stress all round, we could both communicate better.

Having depression I can recognise that I often did only think about bad I felt and not about the impact on others around me.

Are you getting any help for your depression? I would suggest counselling for yourself. Then perhaps joint counselling , if you are struggling to communicate.

Thank you everyone. Yes I am on antidepressant medication, which is taking some time to get adjusted to a level where it is effective as I am on several medications for Epilepsy and there's a lot of interaction between them. I have been receiving counselling as well.

He's never been a good one for talking. Even before this depressive episode, when disagreements happened, exactly the same cycle would occur. They would stem from any minor disagreement we had about literally anything and everything. A simple talk would blow out of proportion and end with him saying "whatever" and walking off, sometimes packing his bag and me begging him to stay. It was then days of being ignored. I was always a lot better at keeping the lid on my emotions about things, and not bring up the subject if I was annoyed/upset at things to maintain the status quo as such. The filter between my brain and my mouth just isn't there anymore since my depression started and I'm finding it harder to keep quiet and go with the flow to keep the peace.

He admits he doesn't understand depression and both myself and my counsellor have suggested that maybe he comes along to a session to try and understand a little more about depression, but he refuses.

Context: Been together for nearly 10 years, 2nd marriage for both of us. I have previous issues which contribute to depression as 1st marriage was physically abusive so am admittedly more insecure. Known each other since teenagers, now in our 40s

I also forgot to mention that I have also taken up cycling and go most days as I know the physical activity can help with depression, but yes I do have days when getting out of bed is very difficult.

My memory seems to be affected badly. I can be sure I've told him things, like plans made with visitors or visiting people as I always ask if it's ok with him before making plans yet he says I haven't and he accuses me of not listening to him, as I can't remember him telling me things, which doesn't help as that leads to more arguments

One thing you could do re memory... get a big calendar and write down all agreed plans, maybe even go as far as to each initial the entries. It’s a bit OTT, but if it alleviates one aspect of the arguments, it might be worth it.

I do think he sounds a bit selfish not to agree to come to at least one counselling session. Do you think he adds to your depression? If he walks out again, slam the door on his ass, that’s just shit behaviour.

I hope your counselling works and you get your strength back soon.