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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so so sad about relationship with my mum?

18 replies

Booksandwine80 · 07/10/2019 12:26

I feel so sad today, I’ve never had a great relationship with my mum but it did improve a lot when I had my DD 2.5 years ago.

My mum is not a warm person, can be very critical and quite spiteful about people at times. She doesn’t really have any friends, and is a carer (not full time) for a family member so I do appreciate that she has a lot on her plate.

Every Monday she looks after my DD (her GD) and it’s so stressful when I drop her off as she always has something negative to say. Today it was about the new shoes we’ve just bought for DD - why have they got white soles Hmm well DM I wish I knew but that’s just how it is.

I feel like we’re not very important to her, my DH finds her attitude quite difficult at times as well as she is just so.....miserable to be honest.

I’ve got to work today and I sat in my car and cried as she is just so mean and sucks enjoyment out of anything. We went for a meal a few weeks ago and she did nothing but complain.

There’s no real point to this post, I just needed to put this out there really. I have a very good friend who is the same age as my mum, she is DD’s godmother and she is just such a lovely warm, loving person. I don’t know why my mum can’t be a bit more like that Sad

OP posts:
Rosehip10 · 07/10/2019 12:29

What is your mum's relationship with dgd like?

Original poster
Booksandwine80 · 07/10/2019 12:34

Their relationship is good, my mum loves her to bits and always says how good she is when she looks after her

OP posts:
Gone2far · 07/10/2019 12:38

All I can say is - I know where you're coming from, but you just have to give it time. I've not got a brilliant relationship with my mum, but it has been much worse in the past, but life has a way of ironing things out.

I'm in my 60s. We had a (over) close relationship until I had my children. Then it became pretty difficult, as I found her too intrusive. Now my children have grown up, we get on better, but will never get back to what we had before. But that's OK, at least we're talking.

Having said that, she lives 100 miles away, so I don't see her weekly, which I can see might be wearing. Can you discuss this with her?

Original poster
Booksandwine80 · 07/10/2019 12:44

@Gone2far

I think if I said anything she would just get very defensive, from past experience anyway. About 20 years ago I actually took the step of writing her a letter, saying exactly how she made me feel. She felt bad and said that it “made her cry”.

It was only temporary and she went back to her usual behaviour soon after Sad

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 07/10/2019 12:48

I do feel sorry for you but the bottom line is, as with your letter, you're actually criticising her personality and telling her she's not very likeable.
And whilst that may be true it's a hard thing to hear.

theoriginalmadambee · 07/10/2019 12:59

Either you accept she has a negative mindset, not necessarily aimed at you, just her on auto-pilot. Probably feeling miserable if so.

Or you tell her, to say two positives every single time, she complains/moans, which can be draining.

But she probably doesn't know/notice herself.

CBT works with automatic negative thought a lot.

Original poster
Booksandwine80 · 07/10/2019 14:10

@Nanny0gg

In the letter I never actually said she wasn’t a nice person, I just said how she made me feel with some of the things she used to say. It wasn’t an attack and she didn’t see t that way.

OP posts:
coffeeeandtv · 07/10/2019 15:47

Booksandwine80 I'm sending you 💐as I can relate to everything you have written. I'am a 52 and your mum sounds exactly like mine, most of my life has been controlled by her moods and criticism. Over the past few years I have come to the end of my tether with her behaviour, her lies and constant bitching has worn me down, I get bored of listening to myself complaining about her and how I feel when I'm in her company. She is exactly the same with my siblings but they rarely see her and adopt the 'out of sight out of mind' position. I have just accepted that the problem is with her and that every where I go, everything I do will be criticised.... I also think that it must be awful living in her bad, miserable head day in day out. Good on you for sending her that letter, you've told her how you feel, given her the chance to change and she chose not to. Look around at all your successes in life, your daughter, husband, friends the fact that you are actually happy, makes you a much better person in my eyes, I say about my mum that it's her loss, we only have one life and she's chosen to be miserable, I'm choosing to be happy.

Afternoonteadelight · 07/10/2019 16:11

Why on earth are you letting her look after your daughter

My mum is not a warm person, can be very critical and quite spiteful about people at times.
Is the the type of environment you want her growing up in. Then you are crying outside your work.
You know the answer op, you don’t need to accept this.

PanamaPattie · 07/10/2019 16:23

Don't see her anymore. Your DD will probably enjoy going to nursery. Your DM makes you cry and feel miserable. You're worth more than this.

Original poster
Booksandwine80 · 07/10/2019 16:34

@Afternoonteadelight

Thank you for that shitty comment. Was there any need? I know this is AIBU AKA the vipers nest but seriously, is there any need to be spiteful?

OP posts:
Afternoonteadelight · 07/10/2019 16:44

If you have taken that as a shitty comment then that’s up to you. It certainly wasn’t meant to. I suspect the truth hurts too much and it’s easier to lash out at me than face it..

NoSauce · 07/10/2019 16:46

Do you think it might be too much for her looking after DD if she’s a carer too?
Although it sounds like she does get some pleasure from it.

I’m sorry things are like this OP. It’s so bloody hard when a family member is continuously negative and doesn’t have anything nice to say. I hear you.

I don’t know the answer I’m afraid as ime people very rarely change because they can never see that they are the problem!

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 07/10/2019 16:56

Can you try a gentle tease about her negative comments to perhaps in a light-hearted way try and make her aware that she does this. She may not have enough self-awareness and genuinely not realise.

Perhaps she feels she has a rough lot if she has ended up as someone in the family's carer, maybe this is not how she thought her life would end up.

Another approach might be to try doing some small nice thing like taking her some flowers or giving her a night/afternoon off as carer and paying for her to go to the cinema or something. Is it possible that she feels taken for granted and that people don't see her?

I realise that without more info about all of the circumstances that I may be completely off target, but I guess my suggestion is to look at ways that you can try and help the situation rather than being upset about the negative that you're perceiving from your mum. On the positive she loves and enjoyed your daughter and presumably your daughter enjoys being with her?

Overall though, remember that there are always two sides to every situation. You may see no way to improve things but you'll not know for sue if you haven't tried. Sprinkle some positivity around when you see her & maybe you might end up brightening everyone's day!

formerbabe · 07/10/2019 17:02

If she was really a mean person, she wouldn't look after your dd. Plenty of grandparents refuse point blank. She does sound negative and critical but I agree with a pp that it is obviously her personality.

Original poster
Booksandwine80 · 07/10/2019 18:42

@Afternoonteadelight

Yes you’re right. I’m being over sensitive so I apologise and take what I said back.Flowers

OP posts:
Genevieva · 07/10/2019 19:00

I think this behaviour rut is quite common. I have a relation (not my Mum) who is prone to similar behaviours. It is draining. And the saddest thing is that I think they suffer most because of it.

Polly111 · 07/10/2019 20:30

My mum can be really critical, she’ll always manage to find the negative in any thing. I’ve started making a joke of it now as I don’t think she even realises she’s doing it. She is slowly staring to improve

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