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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

1st birthday and family

15 replies

HuskySnow · 07/10/2019 12:16

I need advice, it's my daughters first birthday and we are throwing a party and inviting who we want to be there, which is people who have been part of our life, her life and helped us through the time at her birth when she was 9 weeks early.

Now due to reasons in the past, I dont really speak with my older brother, and only see him a few times a year at family events. So hes not invited to her party.

My parents arent happy with this and have said it's horrible that I havent invited him. And they are very upset with me.

Is it so bad that I want to have people there who are actually in my life? I don't believe that being blood related to someone means anything. And they don't understand this.

It's got to the point where I dont even want to do this party

OP posts:

NoSauce · 07/10/2019 12:17

Now due to reasons in the past, I dont really speak with my older brother

What reasons and do your parents know about them?

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 07/10/2019 12:20

To be honest he probably doesn’t even want to come and would only show up out of obligation (or not at all!) if you did invite him. Babies birthday parties are tedious even if you are close to the baby/parents! If you two don’t get on then I see no reason why you should invite him and no reason why he should turn up. Your parents are being a bit ridiculous - it’s not like your one year old is gonna notice or care or remember anything about the party, let alone who attends!

Original poster

HuskySnow · 07/10/2019 12:23

Bascially he was a complete arse to me, kicked me down when I was already low, I drew a line under it all the beginning of the year and asked him to do one thing for me and to apologise to my partner, he said he would for me, and didnt so now I cant be bothered.

My parents know it all. I just wish they didnt care.
But now I'm worried if I go ahead with the party and dont invite him my parents will hate me. I love them to bits and my dad has always stood by my side

OP posts:

NoSauce · 07/10/2019 12:26

Don’t invite him. Your parents will have to get over it. Surely they understand why you don’t want him there?

Take a deep breath and get it into perspective. He has done wrong by you ( and your partner? ) he’s not sorry, so he doesn’t get treated the same as the rest of your family.

Don’t let it ruin your baby’s first birthday OP

Windydaysuponus · 07/10/2019 12:28

Remind your dps it's an invite not a summons - if they can't be respectful of your choices they can stay away.

Teddybear45 · 07/10/2019 12:30

You don’t have to invite him but by the same logic he doesn’t have to invite you or involve your dd in any family events he plans either, so your relationship will remain a tit for tat hatch job for the rest of your lives. If you really want to move past it then invite him - if he still refuses then you have your answer.

Original poster

HuskySnow · 07/10/2019 12:33

We arent bothered about going to any of his for his son either, because they arent part of our lives, and that's the way I see it. My partner hates him, and he doesn't want him there either because seeing him will ruin the party for him

The difficult thing is it's being held at my parents house because mine isnt big enough.

Its getting me so down as well and it shouldn't, I was so happy until I was asked if he was going.

OP posts:

Teddybear45 · 07/10/2019 12:37

If it’s being held at your DP’s house then yes you are being unreasonable to expect them to get involved - they will be perceived as taking sides. Why not just cut invitees so you can manage at your place or do it at village hall / soft play / similar?

thecatsthecats · 07/10/2019 12:55

Look, I totally agree that people who are there for you are important, and that people who are shit to you aren't worth bothering with.

But 'not bothering with' someone includes not making a big deal out of situations like this. Not pasting yourself into a corner where you're obliged to invite him, even though you dislike him and your partner hates him.

How many people do you want to invite? If it's about a dozen, it's honestly fine to have them in a small house or flat for tea and cake.

I've been to lots of house parties at huge homes, and everyone just stands up in the kitchen anyway. No matter how much more comfortable people would be spreading out, they all crowd around together. I've had a party for 30 in my modest 3 bed - it's honestly fine! Even then everyone crammed into the kitchen and left the lounge free.

You're letting this rule your life by trying to involve your parents in it by force of having it at their home. Something has to give, and I don't think in this case, it should be your parents relationship with their son.

shiningstar2 · 07/10/2019 12:56

If the party is held in your parents' house then surely they have some say over who is or who is not invited. Any adult children I had would always be welcome to an event in my home regardless of who had fell out with whom. Your brother may/may not be bothered about coming to his niece's first birthday party but I imagine it would hurt him if your mother is having the party at her house and he is not invited. It would impact on the relationship he has with his mother. Parents generally get upset when siblings fall out, even if they understand the reason. It is generous of your parents to host the party in their home so I don't think its fair to cause them stress by saying your brother can't come. If your partner hates him and doesn't want him there i think you have no alternative but to have the party in your own home with how ever many guests you can accommodate. If your brother is not invited to your mother's he may see this as his mother supporting her SIL rather than him. I love my SIL but no way would I forbid a son my home to please my SIL. If you love your parents to bits I think you should consider the long term fall out with their own son this could cause and make alternative arrangements for your party.

avocadotofu · 07/10/2019 13:01

We just had our little ones first birthday and we didn't invite my husband's older brother for similar reasons so I'd stick to your guns. It's your child and your party.

DeathStare · 07/10/2019 13:01

If the party is held at your parents' house then yes you are being unreasonable telling them that their son may not visit while the party is on.

Pick which you want. Exclude your brother and hold the party elsewhere or hold the party at your parents and invite your brother.

HotDogGuy · 07/10/2019 13:04

I’m NC with my older brother and wouldn’t have him at any of my events. However I would never put my mum in a position of excluding him from her house and picking sides. I’d have the party somewhere else where you can ‘control’ who attends.
Is it possible that he’ll turn up anyway and that would put your parents in an awkward position?

Leeds2 · 07/10/2019 13:08

I think it is none of your parents' business who you invite to your daughter's party if the party wasn't being held at their house. Given that it is being held at their house, you are putting them in a very difficult position and, for this reason, I would invite your brother and hope he didn't come!
Most probably, I would cut the guest list and have it in my own home, or hire a village hall etc and invite who I wanted to invite.

Original poster

HuskySnow · 07/10/2019 13:51

avocadotofu - how did your family react to him not being invited?
Was he the only sibling not there?

OP posts:

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