To ask about your experiences of needy kids adapting to nursery?

[SmoothLawAbider]

My DD just is 2 years 11 months. Started nursery/daycare just over a week ago. We're in an adaptation period of just one hour every afternoon. But she won't even let me stay in reception while she goes in. She just screams and cries and tantrums. It's affecting her at home too. Gone from sleeping 11 hours straight through to waking up every 2-3 hours screaming for me. Will only fall back to sleep in my arms. Tantrumming every day. Fighting to get in the car. Etc.

Just feels impossible! I feel like giving up. I work from home so technically I could give up. I just wanted her to go cos she's basically 3 now and I know it would be good for her development! She's so shy and I don't know what to do.

Does anyone have any stories about kids who were REALLY shy and needy and somehow managed to adapt? Cos right now it's been 7 days and it doesn't feel like it's improving. If anything, she's fighting it more every day!

Both of mine started at 9-11 months, so it's a bit different, but it certainly took about 3 months for them to fully settle in. I think maybe your expectations are too high for only one week in.

But I also think that 1 hour a day every day for settling in is quite disruptive anyway. For a nearly 3 year old, I think maybe 2 hours a couple times a week to start while you leave the building and go somewhere else makes more sense. It's always worse for them when you stay nearby or drag out saying goodbye. I would drop her off, kiss and a cuddle and say you'll be back at 3pm, and then leave. It will be upsetting, but she will settle eventually and it will be easier with you not just hovering outside the door. Every day also seems like quite a lot to start. It means you don't get a day together when you don't have this stressful thing you have to do in the afternoon. Doing a month of settling in just a few hours a couple times a week worked for both of mine. Once she gets used to being there longer stretches over time, it will be easier, but it does take time and it certainly doesn't get easier in only a week or even a month.

Depends what you mean by adapt. If you mean "learnt to accept it and realise that crying does not good" then yes, I'm sure she will, given time. That's not the same as liking it though.

I sent my ds2 to preschool at the same age, for the same reasons. He learnt to tolerate it, never enjoyed it. If I had my time again I'd have taken him out and tried again at 4.

All the other kids look so happy there. It's really a great nursery. I want my DD to be at that point but not if it takes months of upset and anger and sleepless nights, etc. I'm sure the socialisation would be good for her, but not if it's all a source of major stress in her life.

Mine is the same age and very similar in behaviour. I’m leaving it another year. Socialisation is important but not at the expense of sleep and happiness.

My dd was a velcro baby. It felt like i carried her on my hip from 5 months to two and a half. At aged 10, she is now the most outgoing, confident and sociable of all my kids. There is hope! Unless you need childcare, I'd just keep her with you for the moment. Try again in 6 months. Developmentally, she might be more ready to leave you then.

How is she with her key worker, is there someone else she might bond with better? Can you spend longer in the room with her so she gets used to the place and people to relax more? (The settling process can vary hugely at different nurseries we visited.)

If you do take her out then she'll still need to build those skills, is she able to spend time with anybody apart from you outside nursery? Maybe a childminder as a halfway option? How has she been in toddler classes and playgroups, does she mix well?

My ds took 3 weeks of screaming and crying till he settled in. he was 16 months when we started and he is doing so amazingly well now. keep at it, she just needs time to settle in.

I took mine out of nursery at 3,they cried so much and wouldn't let me go. It was miserable. Now they are big strapping men who travel, study etc.
I wouldn't leave mine to scream, its not worth it.

We're going again this afternoon but I already mentioned it and she said "I don't want to go to playschool ever again".

I will see how it goes for another week or two. Half the problem is that I don't NEED it as childcare because I work from home. But it would make my life much easier. I'd be able to work less in the evenings, etc. which is what I'm doing a lot of at the moment.

If you do take her out then she'll still need to build those skills, is she able to spend time with anybody apart from you outside nursery? Maybe a childminder as a halfway option? How has she been in toddler classes and playgroups, does she mix well?

She's quiet and usually stands/sits alongside others but doesn't really interact with them. That's part of what motivated me to do this. I see kids who have been in daycare from a young age all playing together and talking to other adults etc. but she doesn't. If an adult she doesn't know says hello to her she just turns her head away and stays silent!

She is still little. DH's mum said he screamed and wouldn't go to nursery at 3, so she took him out, then suddenly he wanted to go at 3.5.

I have a clingy one who's never been babysat, so I worry we'll end up in your shoes. I've picked the nursery that allows us to be with him a lot in the initial settling sessions so that he can get comfortable with the teachers and children before being left. He already sussed "no mummies" in his teaser session and got confused / worried, but he doesn't need to start for 5 months, so I'm hoping he'll get better. I'm trying to make him let other adults do things for him, like his aunt washing his hands / gran dressing him to go home / class teacher giving a hug / waiting with friends in playgroup while I do something for a couple of minutes etc; just trying to build his confidence with others until he can cope with day babysitting before nursery. I can't say if it'll work or not and I'm sure others have better strategies, but that kind of approach might help.

My dd2 was very clingy and I worried how or even if she would settle in nursery. She started in April , her first day was a Thursday, she stayed for an hour then 3 hours on Friday. Then from the next Monday she started 5 days aWeek for the full morning session.
On day one the teacher asked her if she wanted me to stay, she declined and surprised me massively!
The key worker encourages parents to leave asap so kids can start settling in

DS isn't exactly shy but he does get overwhelmed and had only ever been with me (and family.) I started him a couple of mornings a week at Easter and he cried every time. Still complains about going every time now and insists on being carried there. He usually wails upon separation but is fine after a few minutes. He's three next month.

We never did settling in hours or anything like that though. I knew if I lingered about he'd be worse so I just took him in, gave him a cuddle and then leave regardless of whether he's kicking off or not. Sometimes he had to be prised off, sometimes there's something more interesting going on. He was always really clingy afterwards in the beginning, it did upset his sleep etc, but he settled down. He tells me he likes it now on the walk home, but always needs the reassurance on the way there that I'm coming back and the routine will be the same "I do playing, we have toast, we play out, the bell rings and then Mummy comes back, yes?"

Dd2 was like this. I also could keep her home so I pulled her out and put her back in when the free funding started. She was 3 and 3 months. It then took her about 2 months to fully settle and now loves it. I stayed with her there a lot and like you only did an hour until she was ready for more.

Could you give her another few months? It’s so hard when they’re so upset and they really don’t need the socialisation at this age at the expense of their happiness. Although I do think it’s best to go through it at preschool rather than at school when you have no choice but to leave them all day.