Is this a red flag? I might be overreacting to his style of arguing

[OhPrudence]

Whenever my husband and I argue about anything, he doesn't make the effort to see my point of view. A lot of the time, his argument will be about my tone, or me being 'out of order'. It derails whatever detail we're talking about into a conversation about how I speak, and I end up feeling like I'm not allowed to have any/express emotions.

I accept that sometimes I don't say the right things, but I'm very good at reflecting on disagreements and I will go and apologise when I'm out of order, and try to see his point of view.

This all reads as very vague, sorry, it's really difficult to get my point across. Tonight he said something that upset me (a sarcastic comment that I took to be a criticism of my parenting), but when I said it upset me he then said something along the lines of "no, no, don't be ridiculous". I did then escalate the argument by telling him that "I do everything". It then became an argument about him saying he does more around the home than some other men we know. I don't do everything. But I do ~75% 🤷‍♀️ After short time I told him where I had overstepped in our argument but that his sarcastic comment still upset me. He didn't take responsibility for anything.

I don't know if this is a difference in our arguing style, or whether he is deflecting every time so that I can't express how I feel, or disagree with anything he says. I feel like we always get pulled away from the essence of an argument. Though in sure if he were writing here he would say that I'm just grumpy all the time.

I don't think we argue excessively, but we have a gorgeous toddler and the parenting challenges that brings and have had a hard time with multiple miscarriages this year.

On its own, should concentrating on tone, or derailing a disagreement be something I should see as a red flag? Happy to hear if I'm overthinking this.

I'd say your situation is nothing to be overly concerned about. You've had a really tough time and must both be so upset about the miscarriages - I am sorry. It sounds as though you need to reconnect with each other, make an effort to be kind to each other and remember why you fell in love with each other in the first place. In my experience some men are very sensitive (what Teacher22 says really strikes a chord) and liable to interpret something as a criticism when you may see it as an observation. I'm a very straightforward person but my DH is more subtle and sometimes thinks I'm having an indirect dig about things when I don't mean any such thing. We've worked hard on communicating. If he deflects, I simply ignore the deflection these days (especially if it's something insulting; he knows this doesn't work now). Bring it back to the point you are making - go a bit Paxman if need be. It is really, really important for you both to feel heard and understood. Try not to use blanket terms like always and never; keep it focused and criticise behaviour if need be but not the person. It's a bit like parenting :)

Why is it wrong to point out you do 75% of the work?

It's not.
But saying "I do all the work" is not correct and it's only a point to be picked up by him as being unfair. So, it doesn't help the discussion.
It's much better to be accurate, so that he (or she, depending on who's the target) has to stick to the issue at hand.

I had an ex once who used to use my emotions as an excuse to dismiss any legitimate concerns I had - if I got upset, raised my voice or generally created 'a drama' as he called it, my absolutely valid criticism of him was dismissed as hysteria. Suffice to say there is nothing like being called a hysterical woman to really bring that out of you for real!

Arguing in a relationship will arise from time to time, therefore it IS important that you are able to communicate effectively when one of you is angry and not just in happy times. If one partner is dismissive, doesn't take responsibility, deflective and talented at turning themselves from at fault into the victim, I would question how effectively we communicate, question why they show no desire to engage properly, and what that could mean for the future when the topic is a lot more serious.

Exactly how my ex was to the point that I started believing I was the unreasonable one.