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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not know what to do about inappropriate manager

17 replies

Mamapanya · 06/10/2019 14:55

I've perused the boards here for a while but this is the first time I've posted, so please excuse me while I try to figure our the best way to write this without outing anyone (and taking forever). I am self employed and work in complementary healthcare at a chiropractic centre, and due to the physical nature of my job I often suffer with back and shoulder pain. Some time ago I booked some chiropractic treatment with the practice manager, and rather than pay him he suggested he come and have some treatments with me in return. For about 3 months I had treatment with him twice weekly, which was of great help for my back. I had never been for chiropractic treatment before and put my trust in him, as I know my clients do with me. We got on really well as colleagues (although obviously he was in somewhat of a position of power over me as I pay him rent for a room at the centre). He was always friendly and I am generally a warm, friendly person, although always professional at work. However, over the course of our treatments I slowly began to feel more and more uncomfortable. The nature of his conversation took a turn into 'banter', for example he would joke about 'inflicting more and more pain on me', would compliment me on the colour of my hair, how slim I was, then began to hug me at the end of treatments which progressed to kissing me on the cheek. On one occasion when I was standing next to him to treat him I felt his hand slide over to rest against my leg.. accident or not, I wasn't sure, but felt it wasn't and moved away. He would never offer me a gown but would have me strip down to my underwear, and if I said I was cold would just put a small hand towel over my knickers. It sounds really silly I know but I trusted him to be doing the right thing, as I would when I work. I would never leave a client feeling exposed. He found my gluteal muscles were very tight (true, they were, and he looks at the body as a whole so not just the spine) but he would spend a very long time massaging my buttocks and I just didn't quite feel comfortable. He would manipulate my hips/back a couple of times but the rest of the treatment would involve lots of hands on massage.
So.. at the beginning of the last treatment I had with him, several months ago, he had pulled the blinds down 'so I could relax more'. I was lying face down in my bra and knickers and he was massaging the bare skin of my buttock with one hand, and I felt his other hand resting between my thighs and then sliding up so that the ends of his fingers were touching my crotch (covered by my knickers). I froze and waited for him to move his hand but he didn't - it was probably only there for a minute or so but it felt like ages and I knew it wasn't accidental. No apology, nothing. Then he finally ran his hands down the back of my legs (that he had previously been massaging) and he said in a throaty voice 'oh your legs feel lovely now'. I felt in shock and like I was going to be sick.
To cut a very long story a little shorter, the treatment was over and I got out of the room ASAP. I was supposed to be treating him afterwards and after much pacing of my treatment room and wanting to run away, I knocked on his door and told him I couldn't treat him because he had touched me inappropriately. He had the nerve to ask what he had done, apologised profusely and professed no knowledge of having put his hand there. The conversation was brief and I left the building.. by the time I returned to treat another client he had gone. This was a Friday, and the next Monday he called me into his room and told me he'd had a dreadful weekend, he was so sorry, he'd taken a long hard look at himself and this would never happen again. All I could say was 'I appreciate your apology' (maybe too polite for my own good). Since then I've struggled with this massively. At present there is nowhere else locally where I can rent a room for the hours I need (I don't have room at home). I've built up a really good, loyal client base and until this happened was really happy at my workplace. I still am unless I see him, which is rarely and he avoids me like the plague. I worry that he may have done something similar to other people. I worry hugely that maybe I'm the only one, that he took advantage of his position and our professional relationship, that it's my word against his and that I'd lose my place of work and thus my ability to work (in the short term at the very least). He would know this, there are not lots of options locally. I love what I do and am still furious with him. I know women experience much, much worse but it felt like a violation to me and has had a big impact. The other day, after not telling any colleagues, I disclosed all of this to another female therapist at my workplace, who was aghast at his behaviour and encouraged me to talk to another, well seasoned colleague (a female chiropractor) for advice and to seriously consider reporting him. I now don't know what to do. Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Mamapanya · 06/10/2019 15:20

Gosh, sorry, that was looong! To anyone who managed to stick with it, thank you x

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2019 15:25

He should be reported. I highly doubt you're the only woman he's done this to. He's a predator and he knew EXACTLY what he was doing.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/10/2019 15:27

Also, I highly suggest you have no further communication with him.

CuntyMcBollocks · 06/10/2019 15:30

Report him!! How far would he have gone if you hadn't called him up on it? He sexually assaulted you and he needs to be held accountable for his DELIBERATE actions!

Wilmalovescake · 06/10/2019 15:40

You need to report him to the General Chiropractic Council love.
I’m so sorry that happened to you.

Mamapanya · 06/10/2019 17:33

Thank you all. It helps to have voices echoing my own sentiments. I know that he needs to be held accountable for his behaviour, and I know that what he did was sexual assault, however 'small'. Aquamarine, I'm sure you're probably quite right and he has done this before, but I also think I was the ideal target... fairly new to the centre and in need of the work so maybe less likely to do anything if he pushed the line. My partner's a psychiatric nurse and does an amazing job but of course isn't paid much, so I need to be working. It was all so insidious, quite subtle, looked like banter and made to seem 'accidental'. That's what makes me scared to report, if I'm completely honest. That I'll not be taken seriously and end up having to leave work with nowhere to go, my reputation possibly tarnished more than his. That's really pessimistic, I know Sad

OP posts:
PuzzledObserver · 06/10/2019 17:43

I’d suggest talking with someone who is experienced in dealing with victims of sexual abuse, such as a rape crisis centre or safeline.org.uk (the latter do support via online chat or phone).

For reporting, there are two potential avenues - the professional body as already mentioned, or the police. Be aware that for a criminal prosecution the burden of proof is much higher, i.e. beyond all reasonable doubt, whereas the professional body probably works on the balance of probabilities.

I was briefly interested in chiropractic a while ago and investigated a bit. If you look at the records of disciplinary issues on their website, there a number of cases of chiropractors being struck off after reports of sexual assault by patients. These are all all “his word against hers” situations, when criminal convictions are very difficult to achieve.

Jollitwiglet · 06/10/2019 17:52

None of that sounds right. I have had 6 weekly chiropractic treatment for about 5 years now, often more frequent than that. I have never had any treatment while in just my underwear. In fact the only times I've ever got changed is my initial assesment and any reviews of my treatment, in which case I would be provided with a gown.

He absolutely needs reporting

Krazynights34 · 06/10/2019 18:01

I’ve recently had to report a HCP for sexual touching (though not my genitals) and it was the end result of an insidious game of eroding boundaries by him, very similar to what you described. It’s horrible and frightening but it’s so much better once you’ve taken the leap and report them. He’s a dangerous man! I’m sorry this happened to you.

CharityConundrum · 06/10/2019 18:04

It was all so insidious, quite subtle, looked like banter and made to seem 'accidental'.

That's part of the 'process' though - it started with a hand on your leg, which you thought must have been accidental, then he started to push boundaries during your treatment, which, again, were only incrementally small, so you accepted a little bit more and more each time.

If he had started off touching your crotch, you would have been horrified and reported him with no question, but he worked his way towards it by initiating more 'natural' but still unwanted physical contact until you are left questioning your own judgement and wondering whether it is something to report at all.

If I, as a layperson, can recognise this when I read your account, then anyone who has had any dealings with victims and abusers will know that this is a pattern which is commonly described by people who have been blindsided by the point at which the line is crossed. Don't worry about being believed - you are right, he is wrong and he knows it and is trying to placate you because he has realised that it's not going to work on you and he wants to keep you onside. You are clearly immensely strong and you have obviously got a good support network in your colleagues.

treeofhearts · 06/10/2019 18:38

I'd report him. Both to the Chiropractic council and to the police. I see a chiro regularly, known hum years and the amount of trust you put in them is crazy. Mine is fairly cuddly, always hugging and kissing my head but he's never made me feel unsafe. He's everyone's big brother figure. You can tell from the way you described it that he was touching you with sexual intent and he isn't fit to practice. I'd honestly report to police.

Mamapanya · 06/10/2019 21:14

Really helpful feedback, thank you so much all of you.

@Krazynights34, I'm so sorry to hear you've had a similar experience - you're very brave indeed to report it and my fingers are firmly crossed for a positive outcome.

@treeofhearts, your chiro sounds great! Do you mind me asking whether he usually treats you clothed or unclothed or whether you have a gown/towels covering you? You're right, it's a very intimate and personal treatment and you put so much trust in them to treat you with professionalism and respect. It's very helpful to hear from people who have had chiro treatment to get more of a sense of what is normal and what is most definitely not. And sustained contact with the vulva (knickers or no knickers) is definitely not.

OP posts:
thesnapandfartisinfallible · 08/10/2019 21:37

Usually clothed. If he needs to massage me to make the adjustment easier, I have my top off but lay down on my stomach with my bra on and then he undoes it and refastens when done. Sometimes he'll adjust me with the top still off but is careful to never ever touch my breasts or genital area. Your Chiro is way out of line. You should never feel unsafe during treatment. If you do then he's doing something wrong.

Newmumatlast · 09/10/2019 01:03

My chiropractor always treats me clothed and is happy to have my partner in the room too then treat him directly after. This isnt normal and needs reporting

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 01:26

@Mamapanya

I would be very surprised if you turn out to be his only victim. You mustn't minimise what he did to you, either. It was assault and no wonder you're feeling so violated and conflicted.

I do understand that there are few options for you as regards hiring a room for you to give treatments to patients, but please investigate - even if you have to go further afield. If you have loyal patients they may well follow you (I did, years ago, when my cranial osteopath moved miles away.)

Sorry you've endured that - please get some advice from Rape Crisis and the police.

Men like this need to be stopped. Cake

TheMustressMhor · 09/10/2019 01:27

Sorry OP. That ^^ was meant to be Flowers not a slice of cake.

Penelopeschat · 09/10/2019 03:00

Please please report this to the police and College @Mamapanya. You will not be the first woman. I have a friend who was seriously assaulted by a health care worker, it started very much how you describe and went to a very dangerous place. What he did to her was horrific. The photos after were devastating. He is a danger to anyone he works with and any patients, including vulnerable people and even potentially children/youth.
Also therapy and supports will be essential. The police may also be able to make referrals for you. Take good care of yourself. This is a big trauma.

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