to wonder if family contact post DV can work (Also a WWYD)

[flyingfrogs]

Regular poster but named changed for obvious reasons.

DS is 9 and DD is 7. Their father and I broke up 6 years ago due to domestic abuse. For a few months I tried to facilitate contact, but I ended up going NC as the abuse didn't end even though the relationship had. Through legal channels I proposed supervised visits with professional supervision so I didn't have to have contact myself. The father didn't do anything to arrange it and essentially disappeared. Over the years, other than the occasional social media message which I have ignored we have been left in peace. Those messages would send me into a spin for a few weeks. As a result, I have realised I am still very wary of him and no longer use SM although my accounts are active. He has no other way to contact me as all other details have changed.

DCs and I have muddled our way through, we moved many miles away and we are now happy and settled. The family do not know where we live. I have received a request via SM for contact from a member of DCs fathers family, not for the father to see DCs, but for themselves. I am wary of leaving us vulnerable for the father to somehow re enter our life or become privvy to information that means he will find us. Likewise, certain family members have previously attempted to excuse his behaviour and when it became apparent I would not give in to their requests for contact other than what I had proposed they reduced and then stopped having contact with DCs.

My personal preference would be for the family to leave us be. I am still not fully over the ordeal their father put me through and I'm aware this my skew my thought process. However, I want to do the right thing by DCs, so perhaps that means them having contact with their family. I don't know what to do for the best. I don't want any more confusion or upset for DCs, that side of their family are essentially strangers to them and I don't want to have even the smallest chance of the father finding us. The DCs need stability and consistency and I desperately want to protect them. I also worry if we do have contact with them, that the father will hear about our lives and then persue contact. I certainly don't want to hear anything about his life or even his name.

DD doesn't remember their father or the family, DS remembers but if anyone ever asks about their father not knowing the back story he always says, quite insistently, that I don't have Dad even though he knows he has one. Neither DC ever asks or shows signs of missing that side of their family. DD has a health condition that means that I or someone familiar with her condition would have to be present on any visit.

It feels like I am opening a can of worms if I agree for them to see the DCs but I do want to do the right thing.

AIBU to wonder if family contact after DV can ever work?
Also WWYD if you were me?

I wouldn't facilitate face to face contact for all the reasons you are worried about. You could, however, set up an email account that his family could message and if your dc wanted to, they can read and message back. Obviously, you would be able to vet messages as needed.

I would say no.

Unless you previously had a great relationship with this person and they had a really good reason for getting in touch now but not for the last 7 years.

Thank you for your thoughts. I like the idea of an email account. I'm highly suspicious as you can tell so it's hard to know if I'm thinking about it straight. I'm reassured that IWNBU if I said no.

I would say no and i would be very wary after 6 years why this relative wants to see the children now?

I was/am in a very similiar situation OP. But we only split up 2 1/2 years ago. I have moved miles away from my home town & do not speak to anyone i used to know as i worry information will be leaked back to the ex. It went to court and he was found guilty and given a restraining order to stay away from me and the children.

My children were 2 and 8 months old at the time so do not remember anything at all.

Last xmas the ex got in touch with my dad over SM and asked for an address for the children to send xmas presents to ( at this point he hadnt seen the children in 18 months so i doubt very much hed actually bought them anything ) Aside from that he has never attempted any sort of contact for the children.

About 6 months ago his mother got in touch to see the children saying she was severely ill and didnt have long left.

I said no. How would i explain to my 4 year old who this woman was? It would lead to questions i dont want to answer yet and would also open a door for other members of his family to get in touch. Was this woman genuinely interested in my children or did she want to ease her consious before she died?

It depends what his family are like to? You say this relative excused his behaviour in the past? I would not feel comfortable letting my children spend time with someone who tried to make excuses for being violent.

I honestly wouldnt OP. Youve come so far in 6 years dont get dragged back into the past

No contact. You've done so well.

No contact and block?

No contact. Your children sound settled and happy. If they want contact as adults then let them.

I would get advice from a professional. Your kids are young but you could find that they do want a relationship with their fathers family and him - if he's not considered a danger to them it will be granted. Find out where you stand if your kids ask to see them, generally kids do benefit from seeing their family even in these circumstances, my h was screwed up by not seeing his dad (his mum claimed dv though the truth is more complicated because she did much of the hitting)

Absolutely not.

It can be good for children to have contact with family members but not if it puts them at risk of abuse or even just at risk of bringing abuse, fear and stress into their currently stable family home.

I would not respond to this request for contact and I wouldn't give an explanation.