What is my friend up to?

[CAG12]

Hi guys.

This isnt a thread about my friend cancelling on me - what should I do.

As background - my friend cancelled on me loads. I took a step back and stopped initiating contact. She now messages me to make plans, but then never goes through with them.

Why cancel your own plans? Whats her game?

Im perfectly capable of rodding someone off when they deserve it, im just a little confused.

I would be tempted to let the friendship fizzle out tbh

I wouldn’t give her any headspace, she sounds like she’s doing some weird sort of power play. Next time she contacts you, either be unavailable for every suggested meet up or tell her “no thanks, you’ve cancelled our planned meets ups the last X times and I presume you’ll do the same again so let’s just leave it”. Take the wind out of her sails, she sounds too much like hard work!

Does she suffer with anxiety or any other health issues ? It's a common cause of ditching plans.

Anxiety/depression/social phobia?

I was going to suggest anxiety too. Her making plans is her wanting to do something, trying, but then the bad thoughts take over and she can't do it.

Obviously not the case if she's off partying with other people. What is the rest of her life like?

If she was always like this, then she may have ADHD, or just be plain old disorganized; and it's up to you whether you wish to continue the friendship.If it's a recent phenomenon, then she may be suffering from anxiety or depression; have a physical illness; have developed a drink problem; be under extreme stress; or possibly have a manipulative partner or family member. I would perhaps say to her: 'I notice you've been making lots of arrangements and cancelling them - is there something wrong?' And then decide how you wish to pursue things. If there's a genuine reasonr, I would probably try to continue the friendship by e-mail or phone, but avoid making individual arrangements for meetings; perhaps only have meetings that involve at least one other person, so that if she cancels, your arrangement can still go ahead with the other person.

She sounds like she's treading water - keeping things on hold while she's dealing with something else. If she really didn't want to maintain the friendship I doubt she'd bother making plans at all. Rather than messaging maybe speak on the phone instead, a phone call may provide more insight and if she is having any problems may be helpful.

Thanks so much for the replies. She doesnt have any of the above mentioned anxiety etc. She has a very active social life. I honestly think she makes the plans and the cba. But then, why make the plans in the 1st place?!

I've been that person before but in my periods of either huge mania or desperate depression. I've since been diagnosed bipolar which has made so much of my behaviour make sense and allowed me to work on it.

I would contact everyone I knew on a manic day and make loads of plans and then by the time they came around I would be suicidal and disappear for a while. A horrible cycle that cost me a fair few friends and I don't blame them at all.

Some people who I know would have said I don't have anxiety (as you are saying about your friend) but mine was crippling just hidden behind a facade of pictures and stories of the "good" days which were actually shit too really but I was high as a kite.

Either way, you have every right to disengage if the friendship isn't working for you. My mental health doesn't give me a free pass to make other people feel shit - I have learned this over time and apologised to people I've hurt but don't feel they owe it to me to rekindle a friendship.

Whether she's poorly or just can't be arsed / doesn't care enough to stick to stuff, put yourself first at this point and either confront her about it or perhaps decide that you've grown apart and it's time to take different paths.

Friendships are so much harder to end than relationships, I feel for you

I think I'd ask her outright. Is there something going on which means you keep cancelling plans?

@ThatCurlyGirl thats a really interesting point and a perspective id not thought of before

Lots of threads on here are flaky fro. I posted similar myself. I’ve decided if someone wants to be in your life they will make the effort and follow through. If that’s not happening consistently then find new friends.

She might just be a bit of a flake, wants to make plans and means well but double book or forget she’s meant to be doing something else. It’s annoying to be on the other side though.