to think that it's not 'a nice thing to do' if you tidy things away and then can't remember where you tidied them to?

[Rockbird]

Long running debate with DH who is getting on my last nerve this morning.

He 'tidies' things. By 'tidies' I mean he takes things from one place and puts them somewhere else, mostly somewhere random. For example, he'll tidy away a school tie. When you ask where he put it, he can't remember. So the tie is essentially lost.

He thinks he's fabulous for tidying. I think I'd rather he didn't bother if it means we can't find anything. Things have been lost for weeks because of his tidying!

I'm going to try this voting thing for the first time so YANBU for me and YABU for him!

I’ve made sure we have homes for certain things (like keys) but every morning DH stresses everyone out because he is running late and can’t find them. I refuse to help, as he would know where they were if he put them on the key hook like I tell him to do on a regular basis.

That’s not tidying.

Are you really messy?

He's not tidying. He's just hiding things in the first space he finds rather than putting it where it belongs.

Bloody irritating and designed so he can say ”well you tidy then” if you complain.

I'm not messy, he is and so are the dds. I have a place for everything, he has a place for nothing and ignores all the proper places.

DP does this and it drives me mad. It’s not tidy if it’s not findable. It’s just fucking lost. Passport, driving license, (had them out to prove ID at new job) nothing is safe.

@WanderingMind that's exactly what he did say!

He isn't tidying.
He is deliberately hiding stuff for reasons known only to himself.
It is not difficult to have logical homes for everyday items.
I had a box at the bottom of the stairs for random items like school ties, odd socks, books, homework things. A bit like a lost property box. At least that gives everyone a fighting chance of reclaiming things.

So, it's more like, "I lost your stuff for you, SUR-PRISE! 🎉" than genuine help?

Do you think he does it on purpose so you'll give up asking him to contribute and just tidy up for him? Does he do this to his own stuff as well or not?

So deliberate then.

My Dad used to do this. He would put his own stuff away in a logical place but anyone elses stuff would be shoved in a box or stuffed somewhere random - on top of the wardrobe, under the stairs, on a shelf in the office etc.
When they moved house my mum uncovered loads of things that had been missing for years.

Tell him he's not tidying- he's hiding and losing, only toddlers do that and he has got to stop doing it.
Hide his equivalent stuff if he continues to do it and say "well now you know how DD felt when you hid and lost her school tie".

Go round showing him where things go once and that he's to stick to it or spend all evening with DC hunting for it.

Spiteful behaviour.

His behaviour I mean.
My dad used to hide and break things just to make other people upset.

@Rockbird so it's deliberately done.

I would be inclined to ”tidy” his belongings then. Like one shoe, his phone, his car key, his post, the book he's reading, etc.

IF I were mean.

That’s not tidying, that’s just shoving things out of sight.

Tell him to put things away
Properly, like an adult.

Given he’s the messy one, if he doesn’t stop this after you’ve —shouted about it— asked nicely, I’d start ‘tidying’ absolutely everything away the minute he puts it down and by ‘tidying’ I mean his definition of it.

I’d have put him under the patio by now

Just sitting here laughing with DH who does the exact same thing. He says in his head he does think it is tidying.

Classic example. Both of our laptops will be on the sofas. Mine is considered messy so gets "tidied" away. It's been found on a chair under the dining table, wardrobe, drawer, windowsill behind the curtains, under the bed. The most infuriating thing is he can't remember where it is or it's my own fault for being messy.

Time and time again I threaten to "tidy" his mess to see how he likes it.

I would add we have had a major declutter lately so more things are having their own place now.

I do feel your pain OP, I thought I was alone .

Yep - I have a DH like this too. He insists that he is a tidy person, but what that actually means is that random drawers are full of random shit.
The worst is when on holiday and getting ready to return he will literally wait till I go in the shower and then throw all the stuff I plan to wear (jewellery, watch, book to read on the plane) into a suit case. I end up with creased clothes and the rage!

I’d have put him under the patio by now

Lol I was about to say exactly the same!

I am a very organised person because I get easily stressed out. I need to know that when I have a hospital appointment, I can pick up my keys etc from exactly where they should be. I would have a melt down living with someone like this!

Btw he’s not tidying! He’s hiding stuff. If he was tidying, he would be putting stuff in its designated place! If you’ve already told him this annoys you and he’s still doing it, then it’s now deliberate! That’s nasty!

I live with someone like this and it worries me that as women we laugh it off, when actually it’s lazy, spiteful and aggressive behaviour 🙁

So, it's more like, "I lost your stuff for you, SUR-PRISE! 🎉" than genuine help?

Even he laughed at that