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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think we need to separate? But how?

14 replies

ThornsWithin · 06/10/2019 08:09

Been together 7 years. Married for 3.5 years. It’s been going downhill for a while. I just don’t seem to have the energy for anything anymore. Im just fed up really. Every week night he comes in from work and goes straight on his stupid computer game. Then he reluctantly comes to sit in living room where we stare at the TV for a couple of hours until I go to bed - then he goes back on his game. He has every Friday off now, you’d think he’d want to go out and do stuff but no, he just wants to play that fucking game for hours and then reluctantly comes out with me to take the dogs out. Friday night is spent watching the clock until it becomes a suitable time to start drinking because there is fuck all else to do. Saturday and sundays exactly the same. I drink more than ever now because it’s the only thing I have to look forward to. We don’t have sex anymore. Neither of us have the drive for it. I think we need to separate but I just worry about the practicalities of it all. Neither of us would want to leave this house. Morally he has put more into it financially than I have but legally, it’s half mine. I could afford the mortgage on my own but I couldn’t afford to buy him out.
I’d struggle to get a mortgage on a different house on my own as I earn £25k a year. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so bored, fed up, frustrated ... literally don’t see the point any more. We have no kids at home and none together so that bit would be easy.

OP posts:
FloatingObject · 06/10/2019 08:11

Leave hin

Hahaha88 · 06/10/2019 08:13

I'm sorry. I don't have any advice but I empathize with you.

Geronimo8 · 06/10/2019 08:14

Give marriage counselling a go? If it fails I think you need to go.

BykerBykerOoh · 06/10/2019 08:16

Discuss it with him. See how he feels. The screens are soul destroying. You might need to sell the house. Alternatively you could go and find a hobby outside of the house to do in the evenings instead of waiting around for your partner to notice you exist.

PurpleWithRed · 06/10/2019 08:21

In a short childless marriage the 50:50 equity split is less likely to apply I’m afraid.

Was the relationship ever great? What did you do together that you enjoyed enough to marry him?

Happygoldfinch · 06/10/2019 08:22

If you don't leave him, how will you feel 10 years from now? Find out from your mortgage lender what the early termination fee would be - it'll be in your documents or just give them a ring. Get a valuation on the house without him knowing and work out what you could afford to buy with what's left after you've paid the mortgage lender back what's owed plus any early termination fee. Hunt around for local rental places to bridge the gap between your house selling and your purchase of a new house/flat/apartment. Get some knowledge about all of this stuff - it's incredibly empowering. And keep remembering what your future self would advise you to do.

ThornsWithin · 06/10/2019 08:23

He wouldn’t agree to marriage counselling. Quite honestly I don’t think he cares that much about the marriage. I think we’re both in it for convenience now but he’s happy to carry on like this, I’m not. I’m becoming an alcoholic. I tried to do sober October and lasted 3 days. I’m just so bored it’s the only think I have to look forward to. I’m the member of a martial arts club and I’ve not been for months. I just don’t have the energy or the motivation anymore. I’m probably depressed but I don’t feel depressed, I just feel like giving up because there doesn’t seem to be anything worth getting up for anymore.

I enjoyed being single and I miss it.

I just don’t know where to start. Selfishly I don’t want to lose this house as it’s my safe space and I love it (I’m on the spectrum, I’m particularly attached to this house). I know I could afford it on my own but getting him to leave would be a joke in itself. Why would he when he has more money invested into it. Is there any way around this bit?

OP posts:
ThornsWithin · 06/10/2019 08:25

Also I have a dog that I simply cannot live without so rental is probably out of the question

OP posts:
Happygoldfinch · 06/10/2019 08:28

Ask him to buy you out? You'll find another safe space and make it your own. Visualise yourself in a new place - with cushions, quietness, flowers on the table ... it's actually a dream that many of us quietly covet! Flowers

Bobthefishermanswife · 06/10/2019 08:28

I think you need to sit down and talk about this as a couple, you sound so unhappy. So you need to tell him and give him a chance to work through it with you and repair your relationship.
Has your relationship always been this way?

My dp is a computer gamer and until I got pregnant and we had to move his pc into the living room so baby had a room, he did what your oh does of an evening. Now he's in the livingroom, we actually talk more, and spend time together as he gets up to sit with me for a little while, whereas, before he would stay upstairs. Could moving his pc be an option?

onanothertrain · 06/10/2019 08:31

It doesn't seem as though either of you make an effort, I don't think you can lay all the blame with him. Short marriage is likely to put you both back where you started financially so it's not half yours morally or legally Confused. You can't make him leave esp if there's no kids involved. If you're not happy you leave.

Geronimo8 · 06/10/2019 13:08

There's not a hope of you getting that house unless you can afford to buy him out. I'd treat your own depression and possibly alcoholism first then if you decide to dissolve the marriage it comes from a place of strength. You maybe 'bored' now but divorce is highly stressful and disruptive. If you do you need to some from a place of strength.

timshelthechoice · 06/10/2019 13:11

Get rid. You're flogging a dead horse and he's depressing the hell out of you. What a way to live.

timshelthechoice · 06/10/2019 13:13

Sorry, but the house you won't be able to keep. It's a house, though, OP, and losing a house is far better than becoming an addict. Nothing is worth that.

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