Annoyed at drinking

[July19]

Need to find out if IABU or not

DD is 11 weeks old. Twice now DH has been out, gotten home and been sick all over the sofa.

He's probably been out once a week on average since DD was born and does like a drink both at home and when out.

This isn't normal behaviour, is it? Certainly not with a newborn, but even before DD this would be seen as a problem, right?

DH is the son of a functioning alcoholic and an enabler for a mother, meaning that this is totally normal behaviour for their family.

But I just want to be told whether or not IABU or am being gaslighted into thinking this is normal and should let it continue?

This is not normal, it is not acceptable, and if he were my husband he would be out on his arse. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

Not normal, not at all.
Horrible behaviour to be sick over the sofa - shows no respect for your home. Clearly isn't there to help you with your baby - he should be. If he is drinking until that state you could never leave the baby with him, ever.

Absolutely not normal. It sounds like he's continued to do as he pleases despite you having a new baby. Its also disgusting to be coming home vomiting everywhere regularly and presume disturbs you when you need as much sleep as possible. Could counselling be an option so he can unpack the unhealthy relationship with his mum and see how DD would forced into the dynamic?

Being sick on the sofa isn't normal. However occasionally we all make a mistake. If you mean that he has done it twice in 11 weeks then there is definitely an issue. To be honest I wouldn't have been impressed with my DH going out at all after our DS1 was born....at least not for a while (unless it was a special event).

What happens when you discuss this with him? -- It doesn't really matter whether or not I think his drinking is an issue - if it is for you then there is a problem.

Going out once a week for a few pints - fine. Getting so wasted that you’re sick all over the sofa - definitely not fine!

Does he drink much on the other nights of the week?

He has done this twice in 11 weeks, plus gone out until 1am/2am without being contactable a couple of times.

Likes a minimum of 4 beers per night on weekend nights and midweek football games. Tries to get away with 6 but I've put a stop to that recently because of DD and if I need help throughout the night with her.

When I bring it up with him, it's either "sorry, it won't happen again" or I'm nagging him and it's not that bad, or he tries to get me to agree go out in return to make himself feel better.

This is not normal! I'm the daughter of a (now dead) alcoholic and his whole family enabled it by claiming all the men in their family were alcoholic, that it was genetic, that the men always died young, and there was nothing they could do. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. Nothing I said or did would ever shake any of them of their beliefs.
It's amazing the crap people will construct around alcohol to make themselves blind to the problem.
It meant I was an orphan at 27. I almost never drink, and never more than one drink. I can't enjoy being drunk because I'm always worried. No one with alcoholic parents can have a "normal" relationship with alcohol.
There's some info here if you want it: www.nacoa.org.uk/adults/help-and-advice.html
I hope for your DD's sake that your DP gets help for his problem and stops believing the family myths, and I'm sorry for the road ahead of you.

@WhatTiggersDoBest I'm so sorry for what you've been through and thanks for sharing your story.

It makes me so angry that the whole family normalise this behaviour. DH went out with friends including FIL when DD was 6 weeks old and instead of encouraging DH to go home, I found out he was responsible for buying copious amounts of shots and didn't once think that maybe he should suggest to his son that he goes home.

Really don't know what to do as to be honest I never noticed this behaviour prior to getting pregnant with DD, that could be because I was always out with him! I do think I'm the only one who has "grown up" since having a kid, if that makes sense.

Certainly don't want DD to become third generation of normalising this behaviour so I need to do something.