I'm stressed out! Partner undergoing chemo & radiotherapy

[beachhead]

Trying to hold it together but honestly I don't know if I can going forward. Trying to juggle full time job and supporting 2 sons and partner who's battling cancer.

My partner has a cancer diagnosis of the neck, unfortunately the treatment is proving harsh, he's loosing his voice, cannot taste food and is constantly tired even when he wakes up. He only started treatment 5 days ago, so he needs to adjust to the schedule. But he's lost 7 lb it's worrying. ..and he has 6 more weeks to go.!

Everything is on hold for us, we can't plan anything. Our life has been turned upside down. We've just cancelled having friends around tonight, as partner was too fatigue d.
We even had to cancel our summer holiday, as partner was advised not to travel.
I've actually booked a flight (but that was before partner started this treatment) to go to our holiday home in Oct, to check it out,but feeling guilty about that. I must sound so selfish.
But I need a break I work full-time always Mentally it's draining - work colleagues are sympathetic .I'm thinking of giving it up niw. although I worked hard for my lucrative contract. . But , it's not easy I need to be focused and It's very difficult, when I'm not sleeping properly.
I feel like I can't support my partner at the moment. I come home and then start moaning because I'm tired, but my youngest son needs support. I've scheduled his tutoring for him as hes doing GCSEs next May..
Don't know what I should do but I know this is getting worse and I should be supportive.

Firstly, I’m sorry to hear what you’re both going through and your family too. I can’t begin to imagine the pain and stress this is causing for you all. It’s no wonder you’re trying to muddle along and figure it out as you go.

Is there no way you could take some compassionate leave from work? If not, personally, I would ask to be signed off sick with stress because goodness knows you are. You sound like you’re trying to do 100 things all at once.

Is there any support network for you? Family and friends or a support group online or otherwise. It sometimes helps to get advice from other people that have been through similar situations?

I’m not much help I’m afraid and I’m sure someone will be along to give some excellent advice to you. 💐

Do either of you have parents op? Time to reach out to extended family I think. And also best to avoid friends etc as partner will be immune Compromised.

My best friend went through it during winter and I had to stay away to avoid bringing germs around. Her mum came up and stayed to look after her so her husband could work and care for their dc, the extra pair of hands helped I think.

In winter it is worse for visitors as visits are inside so more enclosed for germs, in nice weather you can sit outdoors.

Hope your partner is on the mend soon op x

Can you ask for help from friends? It was very hard for me to ask for help, but is something you have to learn to do pretty quickly. Mine were amazing, even bringing round a cooked chicken and a cake! Very very welcome! Have yo been to Maggies or macmillans? They are amazingly helpful too. It does sound like you need some compassionate leave and to take care of yourself for a bit.or you won’t have strength to support others. I found meditation tapes from or at maggies we’re amazing - felt like a holiday even though you’ve just spent ten minutes listening, reduces adrenaline which can lead you to anxiety and depression. Also we got a cleaner in for the time I was I’ll. Which was very helpful. Shop online, cook easy oven bakes, or baked beans, it won’t kill anyone to take massive shortcuts. Get kids to help. completely lower your expectations of what you can achieve and don’t beat yourself up. I think cancer is a massive learning curve for all concerned! You can do this. It’s temporary and you can manage. Sending hugs.

Just want to say you have my sympathy. You're going through a really hard time and you must be so worried about your OH.Poir guy.
This is the time to reach out. What would help you and who could you ask? Cast the net and gather anyone in your life. Very few people wouldn't want to support you if they knew your situation, surely.
I would also get onto the major cancer support charities. There could be assistance and advice invaluable to you.
Idk your work situation but my step dad was definitely given time off when my mum was going through chemo, surgery etc.

I've had chemo for over 2 years so I consider myself (ha!) an expert.

7lbs isn't a lot to lose so don't worry about that unless your husband's oncologist is, in which case he can be referred to a dietician. Which I avoid as it's MORE time off work for appointments.

I find a planner/diary helps for all the appointments etc and I realised keeping endless lists and appointments on my phone was stressing me out.

Energy levels are really hard to predict, especially in the early days. I find having lots of nice food in helps. Is your husband cold sensitive or can he have yoghurts, ice cream, cold drinks etc?

And don't say "should" and "guilty" and all that. You aren't having the treatment, sure, but you are going through all this too and of course you need support and a break. It can't be all give give give as you don't have endless reserves. No one does.

I just wanted to say how much empathy I have with you. It is such a difficult time you are going through. We went through this with my Dad and it was all consuming. You are not selfish, you need to look after yourself too. You cannot look after your husband if you are absolutely exhausted. It is a full time job. It is just not possible.
You mentioned your husbands weight loss, when my Dad could not eat we tried Forty Sips, they are fortified drinks that you can buy from any pharmacy. They may help. Please look after yourself. Thinking of you both.

In our experience cancer in one family member (me) impacts very heavily the mental health of the rest of the family (children and partners) and I am not sure people always realise this. Be kind to yourself. Take up any offers of help - transport to hospitals, childcare, etc etc. and try not to feel guilty that you are feeling this way when it is not you that is having the treatment.

The chemo is cumulative - your partner will be feeling shattered at this stage - absolutely normal - but with a bit of luck when the course is finished he should start regaining his energy levels quite quickly in my experience. P.S. All my generally favourite foods tasted foul when I was on chemo & I did lose a lot of weight but I did find eventually that there were stronger tasting foods that were OK so you could try and vary what you cook.