Friendships : to think my mum was wrong

[Charley1988]

I mainly use mn for the friendship dilemmas - 'singly becsuse ive always found these more difficult to negotiate than romantic relationships as they don't have a definite 'ending' in the way romantic relationships do. I mean it's harder to fade a friendship out sometimes than to put a definite end to a romantic relationship . I was an only child and I feel that objectively the only child experience can potentially be a very good one, mine was made miserable by my mum making me feel insecure about friendships/social issues. She used to call me ' spoilt' , playing into the fake only child 'stereotype' and used to criticise my social life. The summer when I turned 13, I'd lost 2 stone in weight going from chubby to 'normal ' but on holiday that year, she insisted on calling me selfish because she felt I didn't make enough effort socially. Thing is , by losing weight I was finding my feet to sort of reinvent myself for a better life full of good relationships. When I think back now it seems my mum seemed too concerned to push me towards friendships that she wanted me to have but didn't take enough time to help me build up things like confidence and self respect which would have enabled me to make better friendships of my own. As a result of this I've struggled massively with boundary issues., been a doormat to people as I hate being called selfish!! I feel that it's not a good preparation for independent adulthood for parents to force teenagers into friendships the parents want them to have with no regard for how the teenager feels. AIBU?
A few recent threads I've read on similar topics have triggered my question

Of course YANBU to feel how you feel. It is unwise to force dc into friendships and unwanted social situations, and they take any labels we parents attach to heart.

Having said that, not many of us are perfect parents and most of us make mistakes than are easily identified with hindsight.

You remember your mother calling you 'spoilt' and 'selfish' but you only have to check out the teen board on here to see that many are exactly that; I know I was.

Either way, it all happened a long time ago and there is a limit to how long we can blame our parents for our shortcomings I think. I know I remember things that my mum did wrong, but she did more things right, and loved me. I hope my own dc are as forgiving of my own parenting failings.

Perhaps it is time to accept that you are how you are, work on building your self esteem and consider some counselling.

Thanks for the validation - that makes me sound so American!!!😁 I agree you can't blame your parents all your life but my mum was an abusive alcoholic, narc, and I was often left floundering . Don't think I was particularly spoilt or selfish for these reasons but at the same time I agree many people have it much worse

Well the addition of the terms alcoholic, abusive and narcissist do somewhat change my opinion tbh, and I think what you outlined in your op must surely have been a very minor part of what you experienced. I assume you are low or no contact, and hope you are able to overcome your childhood experiences.

Thank you . My mum died many years ago. Yes it's a tough journey overcoming dysfunctional childhood though not impossible by any means. I think calling me selfish therefore turning me into s people pleaser as you can imagine attracted some horrendous school bullies - this was the problem