AIBU to ask how to help my husband

[Chocolatecakes]

Hi

Posting here mainly for traffic. I am so worried about my husband I don’t know what to do.

He is really really stressed at work and it’s affecting him so badly.

For context, He has a management position in a very busy industry. He does not have enough staff in his department and is finding it hard to recruit reliable staff. All the extra work falls to him, he is only getting a day off about once every 8/9 days and working way over his salaries hours to keep things afloat, he has to do this or will be put on a performance plan type thing as his dept will be underperforming.

It’s all becoming too much. He is exhausted, mentally and physically. He is not sleeping well, eating well and I think he’s depressed as well as extreamly stressed but he won’t listen.

I called him earlier to see how he was and he just cried on the phone, whilst at work. His manger is based at another site and is aware of the workload and lack of staffing but can’t really do anything to help

I have suggested seeing the dr and getting signed off for a few weeks to rest and de stress a little bit but he says nobody will do his work whilst he’s off so it’s not an option. He had a week off booked for November but his supervisor quit yesterday with no notice so it’s likely higher management will cancel his week off as well now.

What can I do to help him? I’m so worried. I am struggling to put into words how worried I am actually. I have tried to book him a drs appointment but can’t get one until 23rd and by then things will be even worse. Even getting an emergency one will have to wait until Monday, when he will be in work and unable to leave for an appointment.

He needs signing off urgently so he can get his head together. He can’t just call in sick they won’t accept that without a drs note.

Sorry for rambling and if you have read this far I’m just sick with worry about him. Quitting isn’t an option either we can’t go without the money but he will get good sick pay

I m so sorry to hear what your husband is going through no job is worth that much. He can self certificate for a week which will then allow him time to see his GP for a sick note.

This happened to me OP. I was completely burnt out and went on long term sick. I realised when it came down to it my employers didn't give a s**t about my wellbeing and so I decided that the next day I was not going to go into work. I phoned my manager to say I was not well and I phoned the GP for an appointment and got signed off for a couple of months. The workload was not my problem any more and i didnt care. At the end of the two months I got signed off for a couple more months. I met with my manager and was offered a gradual supported return to work or a compromise agreement if I wanted to leave. I decided to leave. I couldn't cope with the pressure and stress any more. I have not worked since. It caused me alot of anxiety issues.

I'm sorry your husband is going through the same thing OP. I can remember sitting at my desk at work crying and feeling overwhelmed by the workload. It was awful. I would be shaking and got alot of migraines. It became too much.

I think your husband should phone in sick on Monday and then see his doctor asap. No job is worth this amount of risk to your mental health

I was in a very similar position back in January. I had a breakdown trying to hold it all together. I self-certified for a week, saw an GP with an emergency appointment and she signed me off for a month to start. I ended up being off for 3 months and then gradual return.

The only way your DH can recover is to extract himself from this situation. I remember that feeling of 24/7 panic, thinking everything would fall apart without me.

9 months down the line I can tell you it didn't. The world kept turning, other people did work or some of it ended up not getting done (as turned out it wasn't that urgent!).

I've been lucky to get a lot of support, move to a new team etc. But I couldn't have done any of that without talking the first step to get some space

I'd really encourage you to get your DH to call in sick next week and get an emergency appointment.

Best of luck x

I'm sorry to hear this OP.
He's obviously conscientious which is admirable but the consequences are having an enormous impact on his MH.
Does your GP do telephone appointments instead of physically going to the Doctors?.
It sounds like it will all come to a head soon if he doesn't get some help/time off.
If he's not sleeping or eating properly he is running on empty and that's not good and not sustainable.
My DP had a very stressful job as a manager. On call 24/7, no downtime and he was very stressed but the money was good. However, it wasn't worth the extra £££'s, so he had a career change, set shifts, overtime if he wants it and he/we are much happier even though it isn't as well paid, no job is worth that amount of stress. Obviously I don't know your financial situation but would a lesser paid/less stressed job be an option?

@livebythecoast thank you and yes I agree it’s not worth it. He has been looking for a new job for a while but can’t get one, even a minimum wage job would be ok as I work as well, but he can’t even get that.

@Chocolatecakes - oh that's difficult but at least he's looking for alternative work and recognising his situation isn't healthy. I think you still need to be steering him to the GP route but I also understand if he's conscientious and a proud man he will be worrying about the work not being done when he's off and that can be stressful too. At the very least he needs to absolutely have his November holiday. If he's working so much he probably doesn't have much time to apply for jobs but if he registers his CV with jobsites then they send job alerts rather than trawling through pages of jobs (sorry if he's already done this). This must also be having an affect on you too but you sound supportive and I really hope you find a solution. I know with my DP he felt a failure that he wasn't coping and I had to really spell it out that I would rather him earn less and be happy than the alternative of a potential nervous breakdown. I increased my hours slightly just to pick up the shortfall and now it's a better balance.