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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be worried or am I catastrophising?

21 replies

LentilHearted · 05/10/2019 10:24

DD age 34, fled domestic violence 10 years ago with her 3 DC my GC, met a new DP, had one more DC, that relationship broke down and now she's gone on plenty of fish dating site, met a man and three weeks after that he has moved in!

With her and the four children!
I visited [she kept it secret until I was about to arrive so that in itself means to me that she knows it's not right or she'd have been telling me how great everything is} and all I saw were RED FLAGS and I saw that she has lost a LOT of weight, is buying a smaller car than she needs, has a king sized bed in the living room and piles and piles of this man's toolboxes and other stuff which belongs in a garage or shed but no, it's in what used to be the living room.
My youngest GD and I made a delicious meal, she loves to cook and doesn't get any opportunity, only when I visit and her mum and this man went out and ate a LARGE PORTION OF CHIPS EACH showing huge rudeness and inconsideration for all the effort my GC had put in and how proud she was.
The kids come down from their rooms, collect their meals, go back upstairs! There is no space. I'm frantically worried about my DD and GCs, the GCs don't know him, don't want him there, weren't consulted, are incredibly uncomfortable with him being there. They age from 17 to 9 and this is not fair on them at all. My DD and I live 200 miles apart since she fled DV and she isn't answering my calls.
I've googled the man, he has history of violence and infidelity, he has no job, he is living in her house [rented] but not above board.
Why the hell would anyone move into a family home after knowing one member of that family for 3 weeks? Why did my DD let this happen? We spent not one second together when I visited, this man always wanted her for something.
I've done the FReedom Programme, DD says she doesn't need it, HA!
I've been searching 'how to find out someone's criminal record' and stuff but there's nothing helpful.
I'm extremely worried about all five of them, my DD and my 4 GC.
I asked them how they felt about the changes and they hate them, he even got rid of their family dog as soon as he moved in despite the kids barricading the doors, running away with the harness and lead and suchlike.
IANBU I don't know what to do but I know something needs to be done, even raising concerns about the childrens' safety with this unknown man in the house...?

OP posts:
theendoftheendoftheend · 05/10/2019 10:31

You could make an application under Clare's Law for info re if he is known for domestic violence, if this raised any concerns they would inform your DD.
I don't know what else you can except be there for your GC and try to maintain a relationship with your daugther so she can feel she has an 'out' of this relationship.
If you're really concerned you could maybe contact the GC's schools to make them aware of your concerns?
I'm not sure what else you can do sorry.
You're not wrong to e concerned though.

Original poster
LentilHearted · 05/10/2019 12:00

I've tried that but without 5 years of previous addresses it's a no go.

OP posts:
theendoftheendoftheend · 05/10/2019 12:33

For Clare's Law? Whoever told you that was incorrect, you will need his full name and DOB and any other info you can provide. You don't need to provide 5 years worth of previous addresses that would make the whole system unusable.
I used to take these applications and research them as part of my role within the police, contact them again.

Original poster
LentilHearted · 05/10/2019 13:03

I've tried to apply online and without the 5 years of addresses I can't proceed through the form. I'll go to the police station and ask there, is it correct that any police station can do it, not just the one local to where the my daughter lives?

OP posts:
Original poster
LentilHearted · 08/10/2019 11:04

I've made the application and emailed one of my granddaughter's schools because she has counselling there and they should know about how her home situation has changed. For anyone wanting to make a clare's law application, don't even try to do it online unless you have the man's previous addresses for the last five years, in person, the paper form is much more workable. Hasn't stopped me worrying and being massively stressed and my DD is trying very hard to stop all contact between me and her, me and my GC, her and her sisters. Massive red flags all over the place and she has her eyes closed :(((

OP posts:
Passthecherrycoke · 08/10/2019 11:06

I thought google already told you he had a violent past?

This is awful. I think I’d phone her local Social services in case he’s known to them and tell them he’s living in the House tbh. I don’t think you’re going to get anywhere talking to your daughter

OpiesOldLady · 08/10/2019 11:16

I think i would be going to social services too. This man is a complete stranger and he sounds dangerous. Have you thought about the possibility of DGC coming to live with you? But that would then mean your DD would be alone with him. Rock and hard place spring to mind. Also be aware that the police won't tell you if theres any issues with him, they would however contact your daughter. Then it'd be up to her. Do you think at the moment she's able to put the children first and make good decisions? It really doesn't sound like it unfortunately.

littlepaddypaws · 08/10/2019 11:22

your poor dd and dgc no wonder you are worried sick, this waste of space has really has run ramshod over her life and she is being sucked in. keep lines of communication open between you and dd also your dgc contact their schools and social services.
most importantly be ready to catch them when this all goes wrong.

littlepaddypaws · 08/10/2019 11:26

he's controlling her but she can't /won't see it, it's so hard to stand by and watch this. does she rent or own her home ? he's a freeloader who was probably on the look out for a single mum who might be 'desperate' for a man being around and he's reeled her in good and proper.

NearlyGranny · 08/10/2019 11:28

So sorry. Can your DGC keep in touch with you easily?

Beyond what youv'e already done, I think all you can do is keep the communication channels open and be there for her when it all goes pear-shaped. The many addresses suggest it will, and quite soon.

There are men who prey on single mothers and there are women made vulnerable by past abuse. Sadly there are children trapped in the middle.

The fact that the eldest GC is now 17 is hopeful. As an adult they will be able to make decisions about their future and perhaps be an envoy as well as a reliable source of updates. If need be, could you fund a basic phone contract for the eldest so all of them could have a lifeline to you?

It sounds as though you might be their main stability in life. You are doing a great job in a near-impossible situation.

thecatneuterer · 08/10/2019 11:32

What sort of googling tells you about someone's history of infidelity?

Velveteenfruitbowl · 08/10/2019 11:35

I would consider calling SS if you think that your DD is being abused by him and your DC are at risk of neglect or abuse as a result.

littlepaddypaws · 08/10/2019 11:43

the infidelity research on line bit puzzled me too, how did you find that or is it an assumption ?

littlepaddypaws · 08/10/2019 11:45

sorry, yes she is renting, Blush

Tvstar · 08/10/2019 11:53

Phone social services.
I have little sympathy for your daughter, she is a grown-ass woman who makes her own choices. She has wrought this terrible situation on hers dcs who have no control

GrannyKewl · 08/10/2019 11:57

Infidelity is in the newspaper report about the man's petrol bomb tgreat/attempt.

GrannyKewl · 08/10/2019 12:00

I have emailed the local children's services and explained the situation without giving my DDs name or address, to ask if they feel this situation would be something they would consider deserving of investigation and if so I will forward names and address immediately.

Stuckinanutshell · 08/10/2019 12:00

Is an intervention possible? Can you find friends or other close family to share this burden with and in a neutral location discuss your concerns calmly and gently - especially the concerns about the children. I would try this before SS as you don’t want to alienate your DD.

GrannyKewl · 08/10/2019 12:06

I've asked the two older GC ages 17,14 to keep in touch and let me know what's going on, I'm in regular contact with oldest as I'm paying for her driving lessons at the moment. My DD is so angry with me, trying now to block all contact between me and her, me and the GC, her and her sisters, without us it's just her, kids, new man, I know the isolation techniques of abusive and coercive men and so should she but I agree that she's vulnerable and he's love bombed her. She needs an organisation to compel her to attend the freedom programme and hopefully that would make her see this is so dangerous.

Original poster
LentilHearted · 08/10/2019 13:01

GrannyKewl is me replying from my phone so I must have been logged into an old account I've forgotten the details for, now it looks like someone else is replying but it is me.

OP posts:
pumkinspicetime · 08/10/2019 14:29

I honestly think you have done everything you can. You have contacted school, social services and requested a background check. If anything concerning comes back on the check let social services know the situation.
Keep in contact with GC. They are lucky to have you.

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