AIBU anxious & upset my mum drank 2 bottles of wine last night?

[Lizzie523]

So my mum was a high functioning alcoholic when I was growing up. She was a single mum & while I had other relatives around i never thought I could 'out' her by telling them about it so as a child I felt alone.

I found my mum in a lot of awful states over the years, but the worst was when she fell down the stairs when I was about 8. Anyway I am back living at home, soon to move out once I have enough saved from new job. It has been fine because she has stopped drinking completely during the week with 1 or 2 at the weekend. Last night though, she congratulated herself on not drinking all week then got completely hammered on 2 bottles.

I couldn't sleep as the child in me was scared something was going to happen was on high alert. I heard her crashing about, unable to walk properly. It made me very upset & like I was going to have a panic attack. Should I try bringing it up with her today or basically go to another relative's house for a while? I am not able to deal with this because I myself am suffering from depression and trying to dig myself out of a deep hole atm. I also feel quite angry with her.

Anybody awake? I know it's early for a Sat, hoping there is someone around to talk to

Your mums an alcoholic so I very much doubt that anything you say to her will make her stop drinking. She needs medical treatment and a stay in a drying out clinic. Has she ever seen a doctor about her drinking?

Hi lizzie,

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Have you checked on your mum this morning?

I'm sorry you have gone through this as a child. I think everyone will tell you that you cannot control or cure an alcoholic, all you can do is manage your responses to their drinking.

So speaking to your mum will probably be upsetting but not productive. Do say something if you feel you want to but don't hold out any hope things will change.

Have you ever had any counselling? Or been to Al-Anon? I'd recommend the latter, especially if you are going to stay with your mum for a while.

I would try to find somewhere else to stay OP. It's very unlikely that talking to her will make any difference. So sorry this is happening to you

I think you need to prioritise your own well being. Your mums an adult, if she wants to drink herself into a drunken stupor then that’s her call, but that doesn’t mean you have to be around her when she does it.

I'm sorry you're having to cope with this. It's an awful thing to see when it's someone close to us. You could talk to her about it, but do you honestly think that it would do any good? I was with an alcoholic many years ago and it was just denial after denial, and lie after lie. I hope for both your sakes that your mum can get some help.

No I heard her getting up to use the toilet about half an hour ago then back to bed.

I'm struggling because I don't have a lot of immediate family & I feel very alone. I recently asked my mum for support after coming close to a mental breakdown. She asked what she could do to help me but I can safely say this makes everything worse.

Sadly most of my support network is in another country but that's another story

Hi LizziE, I couldn't read and run. If you have the option of other relatives to stay with, just do it. Protect your own mental health. Your mother is making her own choices unfortunately. The family probably know. I'm sorry this is happening again to you.

She saw a doctor about the issue last year. She was advised to cut down, but this was feeling proud of herself for not drinking all week then having a massive binge in one night. Totally misses the point!

Basically I can stay at my grandparents house as it is empty now my grandad has died and my gran with dementia has been in hospital long term. I will give my mum money for electricity used.

But I feel overhelmingly lonely. I recently had to move country as the job prospects were so bad but almost my entire support network was there. I have a couple of friends here but they are having a hard time themselves. I feel I have no one.

I was due to go on a trip this weekend but it was called off when the trains were cancelled.

lizzie, it sounds like you could really do with a mother right now but unfortunately she isn’t available. One thing you should know, that even if you feel alone. You are not alone in your situation. Many of us don’t have the support we wish we had. If you need someone to talk to, please consider calling the Samaritans. They care about you and would be able to provide you with emotional support while you work through your feelings.

I second Unexpected’s question of whether you have had counselling and recommendation of going to or contacting (I think they have some online services)AlAnon, the network for family of alcoholics.
I also think it is probably not a good idea for you to be living at home, as it is understandably bringing up a lot of issues that are very raw and haven’t been processed. It sounds like your mum has done well to stop drinking as much as she did, but still has a problematic relationship with alcohol. That doesn’t necessarily mean she is back to square one, but I can see why it’s so upsetting for you to see her drink excessively.i echo PP that it could be counter productive to talk to her. I think you need to focus on yourself.you can go to your GP if you’re struggling, which it sounds like you are- and do look up AlAnon. Good luck.

Can you tell her that you’d rather she didn’t drink near you? And tell her why. That it panics you and you worry for her health.

I’m so sorry to read this. It sounds like you are having a very hard time at the moment. As others have asked, have you sort help for your mental health?
As others have said, you can not change your mothers drinking just the way you respond. But that doesn’t mean you can’t seek help to talk through with a professional how you feel.

But I feel overhelmingly lonely. I recently had to move country as the job prospects were so bad but almost my entire support network was there. I have a couple of friends here but they are having a hard time themselves. I feel I have no one

Are you absolutley sure you can't move back to your support network. Sounds like you need it. As a child of an alcoholic and sadly now a sibling to one, there is absolutely nothing you can do or say that will stop her drinking. It is not your fault

Ah, @Lizzie523, I could have written your post. It is so, so hard. My mum is the same. She too was an alcoholic while I was growing up, has since cut down, but now celebrates several days not drinking with binges. I never understood it because she is not happy drunk - it always makes her sad. She is aware of her issue, will talk about it, but has not made the choice to quit completely. That's only hers to make. When I was little I used to think I could make her stop, but now I'm in my 30s I know it's nothing to do with me. I'm so much happier now I have a house and sanctuary of my own, I know the feeling of being trapped very well.

My advise is not to bring anything up with her while she's drunk or hungover. Only when sober and only in a neutral place, preferably leaving enough time for her to have had the opportunity to get some hindsight (if that is available to her). Remember, it is a disease. All you can say is, 'I love you, and I'm so proud of the progress you've been making with your drinking, but that night you were completely out of control and it scared me. I'm always here if you want to talk about your drinking and I will always support any decision you make to cut down/quit, but I know you are the only person who can make that choice. I hope you will, for your own health and happiness.'

If you have a place you can go to as a refuge, go there. Do what you need to to feel safe. That will also send a strong message to her - she can choose this life if you want, but it will be a lonely one.

Love and hugs to you

I second going to the bolthole. Buy a couple of lovely scented candles on the way. You need to get fully well and this will do the opposite. You can't get your DMum well, she has to do it herself. Concentrate on yourself for now.

My mum was also a "functioning alcoholic". I've been going to counselling over the last year for different issues, but I'm starting to realise what a negative impact my mum's drinking had on me when I was younger and still does now. Things like never inviting friends home from school, and when I was older and started going out later, just knowing that if there were any kind of problem I had nobody to call. (No dad around, he was an alcoholic too anyway).

The positives from this are that I was very self-reliant and independent. The negatives are that I never felt cared for and that I struggle to ask for help when I do need it. My mum rarely drinks nowadays to my knowledge. But once or twice I've spoken to her on the phone when she's clearly imbibed (I can tell from her voice) and my reaction is anger. I end the call quickly and I feel so, so angry and upset and anxious. I think it does bring back the "inner child" in you. I'm only just begining to see all this clearly now.

I'm sorry you are struggling at the moment and that you feel lonely. I hope knowing that you're not alone in your experience helps a bit. It sounds like you have a better relationship with your mum than I do with mine. We've never talked about her drinking for one thing. If you feel able to talk to her I think you should tell her how it made you feel when she got drunk. And say if it's going to happen again you will stay with your relative. If you don't feel able to speak to her about it, then just make the arrangements to stay with your other relative and skip the talk. I don't really know what else to suggest. You can't make her stop, and you're in her home. Mumsnet is always a great place for support I have found.

@Lizzie523, so sad you are going through this. My ex was an alcoholic, I have some understanding of what you mean by being on high alert and panicking.
I think that you may well have to leave today if you can and talk to her about it another day. Can you leave her a note and say I’m sorry I have had to leave as I can’t handle the fear that comes with you drinking. As you well know you can’t stop her and it is her decision. If she needs more support she needs to go to AA, but she has to make that decision herself. And you have to look after yourself. That is so important. You can’t live on tenterhooks wondering when someone is going to have their next drink or fall over or hurt themselves. It sends you crazy, I know. Have you been to al anon and got some help? Support helps massively to deal with this.

You’re on MN, you’re one of us, you’re not alone 🌷

I’m sorry your Mum isn’t able to be the Mum you need her to be, I don’t think there’s anything you can say or do that’ll make her change at this stage. Perhaps you moving out & telling her why might give her a kick up the bum to go to AA?

Moving into your Grandparents empty home is an option and probably better than staying at your mum’s, but how would you feel about a house sure or lodging somewhere, the company might do you good.

I’m sorry the work situation has forced a move back here, is it worth re-examining the job prospects where your support system is?

Thanks everyone

When she got up she was stumbling rather than walking straight and I made a nasty comment. I felt red hot anger over it. I then said I'd be going to my grandparents house and she started crying, saying she was sorry. She said hadn't 'meant to do it's but couldn't help drinking it. She appealed to me by saying it hasn't happened before and is a stumbling block, which is true, it's been a couple of years since I've seen her do that.

I've kept out of her way all do but haven't actually gone anywhere as I've been weepy on and off for most of the day.

I left my hometown when I went to study and now I'm back while I save money for a couple of months so I can leave again. I've gone from being surrounded by great friends & a great womens community to seeing a friend here or there but they've all moved on since I moved abroad. I always had weekend plans but I only occasionally have something lined up now.

Financially I am going to be in a bad situation until I save money and get a new qualification...then I hope to move back. But that means having to make new friends all over again here and I find that hard. I always found it harder to meet people here compared to where I was abroad. I also lack the energy.