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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to celebrate anniversary with BF

25 replies

Notinthemood04 · 04/10/2019 23:38

BF is desperate to make a big fuss about our 1 year anniversary next weekend. My issue is that I am still sharing a house with my exDH and don't feel like celebrating.
ExDH and I split up 14 months ago and for many reasons the separation has dragged on and on and on. He "should" be moving out within a final 6 weeks now, but there's still no definite date. The decree nisi was supposed to have been done mid-September but I've not heard anything.
I'm just not in the mood to celebrate such an occasion when everything else is still so unsettled.
Tonight I suggested delaying it by a couple of weeks and he's clearly gutted and ended the phone call very quickly.
AIBU to not want to celebrate, and if not how do I explain it to him? And yes I know I wouldn't have this issue if I'd waited for exDH to move out before getting involved with someone else...it wasn't planned.

OP posts:

applebe · 04/10/2019 23:43

I would go out and celebrate. It might take your mind off things but as well as that you won't ever get another 1 year anniversary with DP, don't ruin it because of your ex.

Do you really want to look at your one year anniversary together and think about how you spent it staying in with your ex while your DP is doing whatever - upset about you not wanting to celebrate with him?

I don't think you're unreasonable to not feel in the mood, but maybe unreasonable for not actually celebrating. When you're out you might enjoy it.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 04/10/2019 23:49

You're not married, so what is it an anniversary of?

Wellmet · 04/10/2019 23:52

You got with him 8 weeks after your marriage had ended? Doesn't sound like a great basis for a relationship tbh.

UnderperformingSeal · 05/10/2019 00:08

The anniversary of a relationship starting isn't worth any more than a clink of your glasses anyway.

Whatwouldbigfatfannydo · 05/10/2019 00:16

So couples who never marry should never celebrate an anniversary? Also ironic considering that without a relationship starting there would be no wedding to celebrate in later years. What a miserable attitude!
Go and celebrate OP, it will be nice to have these memories later on rather than thinking that your exH was the reason for spoiling the occasion!

tweedledeedo · 05/10/2019 00:17

You got with someone a few weeks after splitting from your husband who you have lived with throughout this new relationship? But can't be arsed to let him have his moment? YABU he deserves more

Sunshine93 · 05/10/2019 00:21

if you can't be arsed to celebrate then maybe you should review whether you actually want to be with him. You've only been together a year, this is meant to be the exciting, romantic time. If you're not feeling it maybe that tells you what you need to know.

TheNumberOneSourceOfEverything · 05/10/2019 00:51

It's not uncommon for couples who aren't married to acknowledge and celebrate important dates.

I've been with my husband for 20 years but married for less than a quarter of those. We'll be celebrating the 20 year mark because the whole time we've been together is important to us and we are thankful and great to have had that time.

We don't celebrate our wedding anniversary in the same way we do the length of time we've been together.

monkeymonkey2010 · 05/10/2019 01:43

are you sure it was a good idea to get into another relationship 4 months after calling an end to your marriage - especially as you were going to carry on living under the same roof til it was finalised?

It doesn't sound like you were ready.
You're hurting your bf's feelings because you haven't actually dealt with your own feelings about ending the marriage - and he doesn't deserve that.

BellyButton85 · 05/10/2019 05:16

@monkeymonkey2010
It's even worse than 4 months, only 2 months...sorry.

Ponoka7 · 05/10/2019 05:25

You can't explain it to him, unless you're honest and tell him it's out of selfishness and because your feelings matter more than his.

It's your anniversary. You're either in a proper relationship with your new BF or not.

If you can't put him first then it's the time to end it. How long is he expected to wait while you sort out the mess with your ex?

Jellybeansincognito · 05/10/2019 06:12

It doesn’t sound like you have much respect for either of them unfortunately.

Your boyfriend puts up with an awful lot - you living with your ex.

Original poster

Notinthemood04 · 05/10/2019 15:33

I appreciate all the responses. Just to answer a few points:
Yes I know it wasn't a good idea to get involved with someone before everything was settled with my ex...I acknowledged this in my OP.
I didn't expect to still be having to share a house with my ex 14 months on. It's been horrendous at times.
BF was a friend and it developed into more. I hadn't planned to have another relationship anytime soon after my marriage ended. I absolutely wasn't ready but I don't want to break up with him either.
I know I'm being selfish and he has been very patient.

OP posts:

Drabarni · 05/10/2019 15:38

You are still married to someone else though.
How can you have an anniversary, unless you are a bigamist?

A night out might do you good, but sounds like your bf wants to celebrate.

Drabarni · 05/10/2019 15:40

Tbh, if he's ending calls quickly and obviously a rebound as only 4 months after you separated then might be time to go it alone for a while and concentrate on finding yourself. You stand a better chance of finding someone suitable in the right frame of mind, too.

BuildBuildings · 05/10/2019 15:43

Those people saying an anniversary of the start of a relationship isn't worth anything are really fucking irritating. Shit loads of people chose not to get married for so many reasons it's so smug to act like these relationships aren't worth celebrating. It's so offensive. Where as a day of often over priced celebration and a legal certificate is? Op why don't you plan something for once you don't live together?

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 05/10/2019 15:45

Yes you're being selfish it's not his fault you're still living together and that your divorce isnt finalised

If things were so unsettled for you perhaps you should have considered waiting longer than 8 weeks before starting a new relationship

PinkGlitter123 · 05/10/2019 16:18

I know someone similar who is still married. Split from husband in April. With someone new in August and sent new partner an anniversary card for their 'First month' together and have continued doing so. Each to their own but I would want my marriage finished first and a lot of time to have passed before getting into something new.
Sounds like this is too much too soon for you

AtomicSquirrel3 · 06/10/2019 07:46

Get a grip @Drabarni. How would she be a bigamist? Your comment is ridiculous. She isn't married to two men. Oh and she started seeing her new partner two months after she split with her exDH, not four months.

PinkGlitter123 · 06/10/2019 08:14

If the divorce hasn't gone through yet, technically, OP is still married.
I wouldn't say she was a bigamist though, that is silly.
As I said up thread, if this were me I couldn't be with someone else at such an early stage and while still married. However a marriage ends, there is still a grieving process that needs to occur. Rebounding might feel great at first but those hurt feelings from the past marriage breaking up will demand to be dealt with at one time or another

user1493413286 · 06/10/2019 08:18

I think for his sake you should do it; I can get why you don’t want to celebrate but for me relationships are about recognising when something is important to someone and putting them first

OooErMissus · 06/10/2019 08:26

What an odd thing to start a thread about.

Just celebrate the anniversary with the poor sod.

Not sure what you expect people to say, really.

user1493413286 · 06/10/2019 08:26

Also wanted to point out to everyone saying that the new relationship started quickly that a lot of marriages are over for a long time before they “properly” finish so it’s not that uncommon for new relationships to start relatively quickly and we know nothing about the OPs marriage and experience

Minioooons · 06/10/2019 08:32

I understand why you feel this way op. it's like you have one foot in a very difficult situation and cant feel true about celebrating it when you know it's just messy at the moment.
I think your partner should be a bit more patient.

Original poster

Notinthemood04 · 06/10/2019 09:33

I had a big chat with BF last night, apologised for upsetting him and admitted my selfishness. He of course said I wasn't selfish at all, he thought he'd upset me by being moody and he completely understands...
We are going to do something low key next week and it's a compromise we're both happy with.
Thanks for all the comments, they really helped.

OP posts:

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