Late-20s, female with commitment phobia tendencies and naturally quite a loner. I crave fun, excitement, dates etc. but also require a lot of alone time. Few months ago, I started to date someone who is 10 years older than me and separated (not keen on either trait but looked past it as not huge red flags and in some ways, they were positives - he wouldn't pressurise me to marry him, etc. if he's technically married to someone else even if seperated).
He is literally all I could want in a person (very funny, very ambitious, highly qualified, high common sense, super caring, teaches me stuff, and thoughtful, cooks for me, remembers all my likes/dislikes, etc., consistently contacts me and always prioritises me above everything else, plans and takes me out on so many fun dates, good at the physical stuff, completely honest, not a player, etc.) so in some moments, I felt blissfully happy to have met him...
yet like the change of wind, my mood will just go completely the other way (not triggered by him as he's always almost too nice to me) where I start fantasising about leaving him (esp if he seems too eager to see me, too complimentary/clingy (never in a suffocating way though) as I have a low threshold for clinginess.. I suppose I like a challenge even if it is frustrating.
I also get moments of anger where we disagree about the best way of doing things and I feel like he's being patronising because I'm younger and/or a female (I could just be paranoid) where I forget the 100 nice things he's done for me and dwell strongly on the 1 negative aspect.
Also, I feel grass is always greener - almost envious of other girls who have younger/better looking partners (even though mine isn't bad looking - fairly average but he's losing his hair)...yet if he was younger, I'm sure I'd find another thing to compare and be envious of in other girls' partners.
I've repeated this pattern of push-pull (wanting them when they're only semi-interested and completely losing all interest (almost too easy) and feeling suffocated once they seem interested so I don't have to work for it anymore since I was a teenager :(
Then, I'll see a happy couple and be so glad I'm not alone anymore.. yet be fantasising about leaving him and being "free" a few days later. I just feel so empty and unsatisfied in every relationship I've been in after a certain amount of time despite them being my type. The one I'm with now is incredibly fun, sporty, artistic, academic, good at DIY etc. so I feel like I'm chasing a unicorn.
Does everyone have this battle in their mind or is that just me?