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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell him how I feel and that I want more or just let it be?

20 replies

Lemononachair · 04/10/2019 21:01

Posted elsewhere but I really need some help with this as I'm really conflicted.

Been seeing someone about 6 months.

He has his own place, I'm in a house share so the vast majority of the time I go to his place so we can hang out and spend time together without anyone else around.

Trouble is, I feel like I'm doing all the running around and making all the effort. Due to work commitments, up until recently I mostly could only go to see him late in the evenings after work because my days off were the same times he had his dc. I was seeing him 3/4 times a week and staying overnight so basically every free evening he had I was there. We couldn't actually go anywhere together as it was always too late by the time I'd finished work.

I have recently changed jobs, (partially in order to spend more time with him) and consequently I've not been able to go to him as much. In that time (about 2 weeks) when I haven't been able to go to him, he has come to see me once, and didn't stay over. I know things will settle down soon but my schedule is quite different now and I'm readjusting.

I'm worried that he only wants to see me when it's convenient for him and he doesn't have to do anything to facilitate it. I don't want to be anyone's fuck buddy but it feels a bit like that's what I am. He said he isnt ready for a relationship yet as his last one blew up spectacularly and caused him a lot of problems which I completely sympathise with and he's currently having to deal with the police because of it. So I can understand his reluctance.

It's been long enough that we've been seeing each other I think I'm in love with him. I want to support him through this police stuff. I want to go out places and spend days off with him, go on holidays, just generally build a life together. In short, I want more.

I'm just scared that if I tell him this I will scare him off but I can't stay as just casual sex and hanging out indefinitely when I have real feelings for him. I also can't just let things be unless I have a realistic chance of it being something in the future or it just feels like a waste of time and like I'll just get my feelings hurt in the end.

What do I do? Do I tell him how I feel? Or should I just calm down and see how things develop now that our schedules have changed?

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 04/10/2019 21:23

Me?? I'd ask him. The things you've said here. Am I Just a fuck buddy to you? I want more do you?

Decide from his responses if you have a future. Try to speak honestly but stay calm.i think these are fair questions.

Sparklesocks · 04/10/2019 21:28

You have two choices

keep quiet and silently agonise over whether or not it will develop into more, feeling as if you’re main purpose in his life is sex
ask him

The risk is that he doesn’t want more than it is now of course, which will hurt initially, but at least you know where you stand and can concentrate on finding someone who will be on the same page.

SilverySurfer · 04/10/2019 21:28

Six months is a relatively short time, he is obviously not wanting to take the relationship further at present and has explained why he feels that way. You can't force him to feel the same as you and I think there's a danger that if you keep pushing, you will push him out of your life. Why don't you try relaxing a bit and let him do the running?

Original poster

Lemononachair · 04/10/2019 21:35

@SilverySurfer I realise this. I'm trying to be understanding about this it's just I've never been in this position before and it's all so alien to me. I just don't want to play games with him. I don't want to not talk to him or go and see him just to make him 'chase' me.

You are right @Sparklesocks. I know I should just be a grown up about it but I'm scared. I don't want to lose him, whatever it is that we have.

OP posts:

Stephminx · 04/10/2019 21:35

If he’s said you’re not in a relationship and he doesn’t want one, but you’re still having sex then aren’t you just a fuck buddy ?
Am I missing something ?

Original poster

Lemononachair · 04/10/2019 21:38

I've asked him that, as that's what I was worried about.

He said I'm not just a fuck buddy. It isn't just sex. But then he would say that!

We've had 'the conversation' and are exclusive just not 'official'.

OP posts:

Pinkflipflop85 · 04/10/2019 21:49

You're his fuck buddy. He's just saying the right things and making the right noises to make you believe you aren't just that so that he can keep you where he wants you.

pollypocket952 · 04/10/2019 22:23

OP take a look at what you've written.

You've changed jobs to accommodate him more in your life ( if he knows this it screams desperation so early on)
He has told you he isn't ready for a relationship - you can't complain about him using you as fuck buddy as he has been clear as day here in what he wants & it isn't a relationship with you. The huge sob story regarding ex & police is most likely bullshit to bide him more FWB time & get you on board with feeling sorry for him & more likely to accept his excuses re it's bad timing for relationship etc etc.
You don't go anywhere or do anything except sleep over - big red flag.
You are worried he is only seeing you when it is convenient for him - this is because he is only seeing you when it suits him & these are the vibes he is giving off.

OP There is a great book called 'maybe he's just not that into you'

I suggest you read it.

Crazyoldmaurice · 04/10/2019 22:32

The not going out anywhere together is indeed a big red flag. As is the minimal amount of effort he is having to put in.

Relationships that are going to work just naturally flow, there shouldn't be any of this second guessing and naturally putting a block to the relationship progressing.

Pull back completely. Stop shagging him. Stop staying over. Stop making effort. If he does come running and starts wanting to go places etc then perhaps he is interested. If he doesnt make an effort then you have your answer. Life is too short.

Crazyoldmaurice · 04/10/2019 22:33

-unnaturally

Stephminx · 04/10/2019 22:35

Maybe I’m old fashioned but I don’t get this official, exclusive, in or not in a relationship thing.

Surely it’s simple - if you’re shagging but not in a relationship, then you’re a FWB. It’s irrelevant if he has one or a hundred fuck buddies. It doesn’t change your status.

ShadowSardines · 04/10/2019 22:36

I agree with @pollypocket952, OP. You’re making significant alterations to your life to maximise your time with him, and as well as the fact that he’s been explicit about not wanting a relationship, he’s just not doing anything to reciprocate.

Preggosaurus9 · 04/10/2019 22:39

So his last relationship resulted in police involvement and none of it was his fault? Do you really believe that? You only have his word for it.

Yes you are his fuck buddy. You go to his house and he gets free sex with very little effort on his part.

Is there really no way for you to meet some other men you can date?!

GettingABitDesperateNow · 04/10/2019 22:45

Don't talk to him or tell him how you feel. He has already had this discussion. He's told you he is not ready for a relationship. If you push it the options are he will reiterate this and it will be awkward, or he will feel pressured into having a relationship with you that he is not ready for. Hes not going to change his feelings just because you asked him to. Sorry OP.

The evidence is, hes told you he doesnt want a relationship, he is acting like he doesnt want a relationship, and the other things going on in his life make it seem like its not the best time for a relationship.

I would fill your life with other things - interests, learning, travel, friends, hobbies. If he changes his mind then great and if he doesnt you will be having such a full and interesting life that the impact will be less. I know it's easier said than done but I really think it's for the best

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/10/2019 22:57

He is not ready for a relationship, as you know.
I wouldn't ask him because, as PP have said above, he will say what you want to hear.
Honestly and truly, actions speak louder. Go by what he does, not by what he says.

NearlyGranny · 04/10/2019 23:14

What is the 'police involvement' after the breakup? Is this man under investigation for something he did to his ex?

If so, run like the wind!

Original poster

Lemononachair · 05/10/2019 09:17

I can't say too much about it as the case is still ongoing but he is the victim - I have seen the evidence and know that he isn't lying about that.

We never really could go out anywhere before as our schedules never really allowed the time for it tbh, I was hoping that now they go we will be able to do more 'stuff' together. But I also don't want to waste my time and affection on someone who only sees me as a convenient shag. I do wonder if I'm getting upset a bit prematurely as I've only had my new job a few weeks and maybe I just haven't given it enough time to change and settle. Idk, maybe he doesn't want things to change, maybe he's quite happy as things are!

OP posts:

Actionhasmagic · 05/10/2019 09:29

Hmm if it were me I would ask and be honest about your feelings. No one can get annoyed at you for saying you really like them! But he has to be honest about what he wants. 6 months is long enough to have that convo but I’m quite intense me and my husband moved in together after a few weeks!

Totalwasteofpaper · 05/10/2019 09:30

This stands out for me
We never really could go out anywhere before as our schedules never really allowed the time for it

Are you going out out now?

It sounds like you are very much in fuck buddy camp. after seeing someone 2-4 times a week for 6 months you know whether you want to “lock in that deal” or it’s just convenient.

Have the conversation - at 6 months you are not demanding to want to be “official” I would have a proper discussion and if he can’t give you what you want walk away because the longer you leave it the worse it gets.

Pinkflipflop85 · 05/10/2019 10:56

The schedules stuff is nonsense. If he actually wanted to take you out he would find a way.

Flip

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