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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To make a plan to leave him?

14 replies

Whynotdance · 04/10/2019 20:05

Most of the time, we amble along OK, but he frequently lies to me. He has left his job previously and not told me for a week (only found out when his P45 arrived home), and tonight I get a text message saying that he is in Scotland for a client meeting and has now missed his flight and will be home late. Why would he fail to tell me he is flying from London to Glasgow today?? Would I have asked him not to go? Nope (but wouldn't be happy as I am wrecked from commuting for my job while he works locally).

I don't trust him, and haven't for years as I just don't feel close to someone whose first instinct is to lie. I told him from the beginning of our marriage that truth means more to me than anything. Now what? I earn more than double but we have little earnings but I can save an exit nest egg over a couple of years...We have two children, but I think they would be ok. Is it unreasonable to split up over this? I really can't be bothered with counselling - so he can learn how NOT to lie? I think the damage is done here.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 04/10/2019 20:13

Nope, get out as soon as you can afford to. Lying is huge OP. There’s no marriage if one party isn’t truthful.

Interestedwoman · 04/10/2019 20:15

You're not being unreasonable if that's how you feel. If somethings a dealbreaker for you, then it is. Plus, not trusting your OH is pretty major.

I would think it a bit annoying, but it wouldn't be the end for me unless he was lying about other women or something. I suppose everyone's different, and if it's something that you personally can't stand, it's enough.

Are there other factors- do you fancy him still, is he moody, whatever?

Sparklesocks · 04/10/2019 20:18

Not BU at all, lying about major things like losing his job and not telling you about significant travel plans are not small trivial details. Once that trust has gone then there’s not much left of a relationship unless both parties are willing to rebuild, and it sounds like he wouldn’t be interested even if you were.
Do what you need to do, ensure the kids are supported as much as possible and start afresh.

Original poster

Whynotdance · 04/10/2019 20:23

I think I felt out of love with him when I realised that the lies would never stop. I don't fancy him (currently not sleeping together). He has lied about money loans (he got seriously in debt, more than once - I pay a the bills now). I asked him about his day today, why he was leaving the house so early and he didn't say a word about flying to Scotland. If it slipped his mind, it would be one thing, but he didn't tell me when it came up.

I do think he has issues about me earning more...I went part time for ten years so he could work on his career, but it just didn't happen so I went back fulltime as we needed the money.

OP posts:

Interestedwoman · 04/10/2019 20:27

Oh dear, lying about debt isn't good, and all the random lying does make one wonder what else he's upto. Yep I think you're making the right decision. Especially if you also don't fancy him and stuff.

MissMumofone · 04/10/2019 20:32

Sounds like you already know what to do, start untangling your connection with finances and leave him, that is no way to behave towards anyone especially someone who is supposed to be your best friend and partner.

LittleOwl153 · 04/10/2019 20:35

Maybe you should run a credit check and ensure that he hasn't lied about more debts?

GabriellaMontez · 04/10/2019 20:40

When the trust is gone its very difficult to recover. Plan carefully, he sounds reckless. Yanbu.

KUGA · 04/10/2019 20:47

NoSauce is spot on.

PavlovaFaith · 04/10/2019 20:50

It surely depends on whether you mind about all this. Clearly it really isn't acceptable to you. Someone else might not see the difference between commuting up to Scotland or Watford. He's not the one.

Original poster

Whynotdance · 04/10/2019 20:53

Thanks, I really agree. I'm going to need time to sort things out financially but I feel like emotionally we split up a long time ago, so it will just be a physical split up. I shall start to plan! Thanks for all your comments, they are all really helpful!

I sent him a text asking why a trip to Scotland was so important that he'd lie to me about it and suggested we just have different values in life...no response. I was thinking I could do another ten years and wait until the kids were adults but it's just not great living like this, I feel like we are pretending to be married but the love went long ago. I'm not even angry, just tired and disappointed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whynotdance · 04/10/2019 20:56

It's not that I'm micromanaging him by wanting to know about Glasgow, but I just think we should tell each other. We have primary aged children and no family support - what if one was ill, etc. Or I had an accident. Maybe that's OTT but that's why I would tell him. Or if he missed his plane and got home four hours late, as has happened. It's just courtesy, I think. But maybe I'm wrong?

OP posts:

GabriellaMontez · 04/10/2019 21:38

You're not wrong. Sounds like neither of you give a shit. It's not supposed to be like that.

1Morewineplease · 04/10/2019 21:52

I would leave him and extricate yourself from his financial obligations. He is clearly following his own path and leaving you and your children behind.
I think you already know this... you and your children deserve better from him. You’ve mentioned previous lies... he’s unlikely to change.
Get a new life for you and your children. Good luck! 💐

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